LOST: Parodies of the Complete 1st Season, Almost
by Zephdae
Summary: See the plane crash. See the survivors survive. Watch as the island becomes freaky. Monsters abound. Rated TV14 for Violence, Language, Sexuality, and some Crude Humor. Completed parodies of episodes 1-14!
1. Episode 1: Pilot, Part 1

AN: I don't really know why I decided to write these parodies. 'Cause _usually_, when I write parody, it's because I've noticed a general dearth of them in a particular area on this website. But this time, I decided to write these parodies before I even read any Lost fanfiction. And then I decided not to read any Lost parodies at all because I don't want to be influenced by them. Although I have to say, if I'm influenced by anything in writing this, it's Soyotome's movie parodies (GREAT, btw––read them).

Plus, Lost is a actually a _hard_ show to parody. Because it's a REALLY GOOD SHOW. Not because of the monsters, or the Others, or the mystery of the hatch, or anything else plot-related––because of the _characters_. I could go on for pages, but I wouldn't want to put you through that. Anyway, these parodies are gonna be a challenge. I don't think this first one is particularly laugh-out-loud funny, but hopefully it's at least entertaining. I tried to get a lot of the obvious things to parody out of the way here––like Jack's hero complex.

Enjoy.

* * *

Episode One:  
Pilot - Part 1, _or_ In which a bloody monster is discovered on the bloody island 

LOST

An EYE opens. It is JACK'S eye. Jack is a DOCTOR. Jack sees a DOG. See the dog RUN AWAY. RUN, dog, RUN.

Jack is LYING IN A JUNGLE. He gets to his feet and PULLS OUT A SMALL BOTTLE OF ALCOHOL.

JACK: Maybe this whole plane crash thing is a hallucination brought on by airline vodka.

JACK stumbles out of the jungle and hears VARIOUS OMINOUS NOISES. He DASHES DOWN THE BEACH; unfortunately he has misplaced his SUPERMAN CAPE and is mistakenly wearing an ARMANI SUIT.

He arrives at the WRECKAGE of a LARGE PLANE. Oh dear. How is it that Jack ended up so far out in the jungle, with no apparent injuries other than four MYSTERIOUSLY REGULAR SCRATCHES on his TANNED, MANLY, HANDSOME face? Clearly, this island is not a normal place.

Lest we forget, however, there were OTHER PEOPLE on the plane who are now STUMBLING AROUND in various states of BLOODINESS. SHANNON is SCREAMING HYSTERICALLY, perhaps because she has BROKEN A NAIL. CHARLIE, meanwhile, WANDERS AIMLESSLY in front of an EXTREMELY DANGEROUS PROPELLER.

CHARLIE: Ha ha. Propeller.

Jack uses his SUPER DOCTORMAN VISION to save various people who are TRAPPED, and/or PREGNANT, and/or BEING INCOMPETENTLY RESUSCITATED BY A PRETTYBOY LOSER WHO IS CLEARLY MARKED FOR DEATH.

JACK: Oh wow, I'm just running all over the place here. Hm, maybe I'll eventually start to resent that everyone expects me to do everything for them…

HURLEY: Dude. This lady's pregnant. I mean she's like…having a baby?

JACK: Yeah. Doctor.

HURLEY: Oh. Okay. So you like…know what pregnant means?

JACK: I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got to run over here now. But my name…is Jack.

HURLEY: What's your last name?

JACK: Smith. Jack Jacob Jingleheimer Smith.

HURLEY: Dude, that sounds so familiar. I think it's, like, a song, or a poem, or something.

Jack rushes over to BOONE and ROSE, who is NOT BREATHING.

BOONE: I'm a loser and I don't know what I'm doing.

JACK: I can save everybody!

BOONE: Do you have a pen?

JACK: Uh-oh, gotta save the pregnant lady again. I told that fat, hairy, sweaty guy to get her out of the way. And where does he take her? Right underneath the plane's wing that's FREAKIN' ABOUT TO FALL AND CRUSH THEM BENEATH ITS MASSIVE WEIGHT!

BOONE: Do you have a pen?

JACK: Hey you! Fat hairy sweaty guy and pregnant lady! Get out of the way!

The wing FALLS and EXPLODES, fortunately not crushing anyone beneath its TREMENDOUS GIRTH.

BOONE: Do _you_ have a pen?

CHARLIE: Ha ha. That piece of flaming debris almost landed on me. Silly debris. Doesn't it know that I'm the bass guitarist from the uber-famous Driveshaft?

Jack, now that the need for his doctor skills has apparently disappeared, proceeds to have a MINOR BREAKDOWN.

JACK: Stupid plane. Stupid crash. Stupid island. Stupid people.

Boone appears at Jack's side, smiling proudly and carrying a HANDFUL OF PENS.

BOONE: I helped!

JACK: Right. Good job. Now we'll all proceed to ignore you as much as possible and try to avoid entrusting you with anything important or difficult because you'll only screw it up. But don't worry, I'm sure you're not marked for death.

BOONE: I'm a useless prettyboy loser. Plus, my eyebrows are even scarier than Angelina Jolie's. Yay me.

Scene cuts to JACK, doing some more STUMBLING ALONG THE BEACH. He then proceeds to TAKE OFF HIS CLOTHES.

FANGIRLS: Ohhh–– Oh, ew, hairy chest.

JACK: See how terribly injured I am? This crash was _so_ realistic.

Jack then EXAMINES HIS ARMPIT.

JACK: Dry as a bone and fresh as a spring morning. Yep, you know your deodorant's good when it works through a plane crash. Of course my deodorant was lost in the crash…so I will soon have highly realistic, manly sweat marks on all my shirts.

FANGIRLS: That's okay. We like sweat. Sweat is sexy. Just keep your shirt on, 'kay

Suddenly, KATE stumbles out of the jungle, RUBBING HER WRIST.

KATE: Hey! I'm not rubbing my wrist. And even if I _was_ rubbing my wrist, it's definitely not because I just got rid of a pair of handcuffs. I am not a crook! Anyway, sorry to have disturbed you in your terribly injured, bloody, hairy-chestedstate. I'll just be going.

JACK: Wait! I, the amazing hero doctor of the island, need your help. You need to sew up this gaping slash in my back, just like you sewed the drapes in your apartment.

KATE: What apartment? What drapes? I don't know what you're talking about.

JACK: Are you going to sew me up or what?

KATE: Sure. Fine. Whatever. But I gotta warn you, this is going to create an instant bond between us. You know, we'll do each other's hair, gossip about the other survivors, run away from monsters together and all that.

JACK: Okay, great. Now gimme some vodka.

KATE: What vodka? I have no vodka! Who told you I had vodka?

Scene cuts to VARIOUS CLIPS OF THE OTHER SURVIVORS.

CLAIRE: Wow, this pregnancy sure looks real. And I have an outie belly button.

HURLEY: Yeah, I know what you're thinking. That's right, of course the fat guy's hoarding the food… You know I'm not just "the fat guy." I have a name, it's Hurley. Well actually that's not even my name, my real name is Hugo…you don't want to _know_ how I got the nickname Hurley.

LOCKE: I'm a nice grandfatherly figure!

SAYID: Hey you. Hobbit. Get some wood.

CHARLIE: Yeah, of course, wood… You know I once, uh, I once… Well, my guitar is made of wood. I'm in a band. Driveshaft. You've heard of us, of course.

Scene cuts back to JACK and KATE. We assume that Kate is SEWING JACK'S CUT, as she is SITTING BEHIND HIM and Jack occasionally makes a SMALL GRIMACE OF PAIN.

KATE: So did you notice how dirty my face is? That's a relic of a terrible plane crash, that is.

JACK: Yeah, and have you noticed how much my facial hair has grown since we were on the plane? I think this island must be magic or something. Anyway, now I have the sudden urge to tell you a terribly personal story that will further deepen our instant bond. Because of me telling you this story, we will have pillowfights and make popcorn and track creepy men through the jungle together.

KATE: Okay, cool.

Scene cuts to more CLIPS OF THE OTHER SURVIVORS. It is now NIGHT-TIME.

CHARLIE: I'm writing with one of the pens that Boone rejected.

SAYID: Charlie is my new best friend, because we collected firewood together. Plus we both have accents, which makes us instant soulmates.

SHANNON: I found my nail polish.

BOONE: I found a candy bar. I'm a solicitous brother, so I'm attempting to give it to my sister.

SHANNON: Found my lip gloss too. I've got everything I need.

HURLEY: See? See, I'm _not_ hoarding this food. I'm sharing it out with everyone. Ha! I showed you. I am not a stereotype!

CLAIRE: I'm eating for two.

MICHAEL: So, son…do you like, um, video games?

WALT: No.

JIN: Am I speaking Chinese or Korean? Who knows!

SUN: I'm a dutiful wife.

JIN: We'll have a cluckety-cluck-cluck time here on the island.

KATE: So this man…he's got some metal sticking out of his side. Can you fix him? Will he survive? Will he be okay? Will he, like, be able to talk, or maybe hold a gun, or what?

JACK: Why so curious?

KATE: Oh, I don't really _care_. I'm just, you know, a concerned humanitarian. Definitely not hiding anything.

Scene cuts to JACK and KATE sitting by a fire. Jack has MADE AN AIRPLANE OUT OF A LEAF.

KATE: See, we're bonding already.

JACK: So I'm gonna go out tomorrow and find the cockpit of the plane, 'cause you know it kinda fell off in midair.

KATE: Cool. I'll tag along. We can bond.

JACK: Great. Only you know what? Somehow throughout this whole day, even though you sewed up my gaping wound and watched me examine that shrapnel guy and sat with me by a fire…we never introduced ourselves.

KATE: Wow. Go figure. Must have been all that bonding taking up our time. My name's Kate. Kate the definitely-not-a-fugitive-from-justice.

JACK: My name's Jack. Jack the amazing-hero-doctor-of-the-island. But actually, my full name is Jackington.

Suddenly, VERY LOUD NOISES EMANATE FROM THE JUNGLE. Instead of RUNNING AWAY SCREAMING, the survivors APPROACH THE JUNGLE.

LOCKE: So there's a monster. That's cool.

WALT: It sounds like my dog! My gigantic, twenty-ton invisible dog!

HURLEY: Dude. That's not Clifford. It's one of those dinosaurs from King Kong's island, only it's _invisible_. Which means…King Kong must be around here somewhere.

Hurley LOOKS AROUND CAREFULLY, as though expecting to spot THE GIANT GORILLA THAT NO ONE NOTICED BEFORE.

CHARLIE: A bloody monster in the bloody jungle. Bloody terrific.

Scene BLACKS OUT, then cuts to a PLANE FLYING PEACEFULLY. And all is well.

JACK: Boy, I wish there was some nice flight attendant here to give me a couple bottles of vodka. One for now and one to save for later.

CINDY THE NICE FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Hm…mid-thirties, handsome, wearing an Armani suit… Have some vodka! On the house!

CHARLIE abruptly rushes by, CLOSELY PURSUED by Cindy and others.

CINDY: Halt, terrorist! I mean, please wait, sir.

The plane abruptly TIPS AND SHAKES as it encounters TURBULENCE. ROSE, who is seated ACROSS THE AISLE from Jack, looks BLOODY TERRIFIED.

JACK: Don't worry. The plane's not going to crash.

AUDIENCE: No, of _course_ not…

ROSE: My husband, who's in the bathroom right now because the workings of his bladder are a semi-important plot point, tells me that planes _want_ to be in the air. Which makes perfect sense, because what isn't natural about a several-ton mass of metal and plastic and fuel flying?

There is A GREAT DEAL MORE TURBULENCE.

JACK: Oh, I'm sure everything's fine.

AUDIENCE: Of _course_ it is…

Unfortunately and most unpredictably, the TURBULENCE INCREASES and OXYGEN MASKS FALL FROM THE CEILING.

JACK: Maybe I was wrong…

Scene cuts to JACK'S FACE, back on the island THE FOLLOWING MORNING.

JACK: You know, Kate, you're a woman, so you're obviously weak and helpless. Maybe you should stay here while I, the amazing hero doctor, go find the cockpit by myself.

KATE: No, I just need some nice shoes to give me superhero powers so I can keep up with you.

Kate goes to look for SHOES on the DEAD BODIES.

KATE: Oh, so fashionable! And just my size!

LOCKE: I'm a nice grandfatherly figure!

Scene cuts to a BEACH POWWOW between VARIOUS SURVIVORS.

SHANNON: I've got sunblock too. I was _so_ ready for this beach vacation.

HURLEY: Hey, dudes. You know, I just realized that a lot of people are, you know, kind of…dead.

SAYID: Yep.

JACK: Hey guys. I'm going off into the jungle with Kate. Just the two of us. Completely alone. Don't expect us back for a while. She's going to find the cockpit. Of the plane. Which means that Boone, now _you're_ in _charge_ of the _patients_.

Jack WINKS at Sayid.

CHARLIE: Kate, huh? She's not the fat one with the hairlip, is she?

JACK: No. She's the one who's definitely not a jugitive from justice. Over there, taking the shoes from that dead body.

CHARLIE: Oh. Ohhh. In that case, I'll come with.

Scene cuts to JACK, KATE, and CHARLIE hiking across a ROLLING FIELD.

KATE: You know, Charlie, you look kind of––

CHARLIE: Familiar? I know. I'm in Driveshaft. Bass player.

KATE: No, actually, I was going to say that you look tired. Maybe we should rest.

JACK: Can't rest. Gotta keep moving. What's a driveshaft?

Scene cuts back to the BEACH and focuses on LOCKE, who is SITTING IN FRONT OF THE WATER AS A STORM GATHERS ABOVE HIS HEAD. It begins, unexpectedly, to RAIN. Everyone RUNS FOR SHELTER.

JIN: Get out of my shelter! If you enter my shelter you will brush against my wife, and then I will have to kill you.

Locke, however, REMAINS ON THE BEACH.

LOCKE: See, I'm just a nice grandfatherly figure who likes the rain.

Cut back to JACK, KATE, and CHARLIE, who are now hiking IN THE RAIN.

CHARLIE: Hey guys. It's raining. Hey. Can you hear me? Is that, you know, normal? Rain? Hey! Listen up! Why does everyone ignore me around here? _I'm_ not a loser like Boone. _I'm_ not marked for death. You're going to have to put up with me for a while, you know, so maybe you should start treating Charlie with a little _respect_. I'm going to resent this, you know. I'm going to resent this until I get to risk my life to save Jack, and _then_ maybe I'll have a little _respect_ instead of everyone going on about Jack the doctor Jack the hero Jack the bloody amazing island man. Hey! Is this the front of the plane?

The three CLIMB UP THE AISLE OF THE PLANE with rather a lot of GRUNTING AND STRAINING. Charlie, especially, seems to encounter A GREAT DEAL OF DIFFICULTY while Kate and Jack SCRAMBLE AHEAD.

CHARLIE: Oh, right, I'm just the comic relief here, I'm not a _hero_ like Jack and Kate. Will I ever break out of being an Indistuingishable Backup Hobbit?

JACK: You know, Kate, you're a woman, so you're obviously weak and helpless. Maybe you should––

KATE: Didn't we already have this conversation?

JACK: Well, okay. In that case I'll just help you up into the cockpit. And then maybe I'll ignore Charlie, because he doesn't look quite as attractive with all _his_ clothes clinging wetly to his body.

They drag themselves into the COCKPIT, where the BODY OF THE PILOT is slumped limply in a CHAIR.

KATE: So let's just grab this tranceiver dealie and get the hell out of here.

PILOT: By the way, I'm alive.

KATE: Oh. Well, I was thinking about turning this cockpit into a secret love nest for me and Jack…but having this bruised and battered pilot guy around kind of spoils the decor.

JACK: We've been on this island for sixteen whole hours! And nobody's come to rescue us!

PILOT: Well, it's just a hunch, but that could possibly be because we were, oh, about a thousand miles off course when we crashed. Give or take a mile or two.

JACK: That can't be good.

PILOT: By the way, here's that transceiver you were looking for.

The pilot DOES SOMETHING to the transceiver, presumably ATTEMPTING TO MAKE IT WORK.

JACK: Great! We can send a message, and the rescue party will come for us, and we'll all be saved! Thanks to my great work in finding the cockpit and the transceiver!

PILOT: Unfortunately, the transceiver isn't working.

JACK: Damn it.

The plane BEGINS TO SHAKE.

JACK: Don't worry. I'm sure everything's fine. Hey, I just remembered that little British guy. Where'd he get to?

CHARLIE: I'm in the bathroom! I'm not looking for any drugs! And my _name_ is _Charlie_!

KATE: Uh, Jack? I think there's a monster out there.

PILOT: Well, I'll just stick my head out the window to have a look.

The pilot, unexpectedly,is GRABBED BY THE MONSTER.

CHARLIE: Hey. Blood on the window. Wow, that would be a _great_ song title…

KATE: I think we should run.

The three, most sensibly, RUN AWAY from the MONSTER. It is unfortunate, however, that the monster is INVISIBLE.

Charlie, fulfilling his role as the SIDEKICK, falls and gets his FOOT STUCK. Jack, fulfilling his role as the HERO, rushes back to HELP. Kate continues running, falls over, and, fulfilling her role as the DAMSEL IN DISTRESS, screams JACK'S NAME.

KATE: I'm hysterical! And I'm wet! I'm _wet_ and I'm hysterical!

CHARLIE: Aw, Kate, do you need your blue blanket?

KATE: Oh, hey, Charlie. Where's Jack?

CHARLIE: Oh, I dunno. Somewhere off getting mauled by a monster?

KATE: Well, I'm gonna go find him. We have a _bond_, remember?

CHARLIE: Right, right, you two and your bloody _bond._ Well, you're a weak helpless woman, so I guess I'll have to come with you even thought I'm bloody terrified out of my bloody mind. Plus it just stopped raining, and that has to be a good sign.

Kate and Charlie head back THROUGH THE JUNGLE. Jack APPEARS, muddy but UNSCATHED.

JACK: Hey, Kate.

KATE: Jack! You're okay!

JACK: Of course! I'm the hero! You don't think I'd get killed in the first episode, do you?

WRITERS: Well, ha ha, no…

CHARLIE: Hi, Jack. It's me, Charlie. You know, you saved my life, and then I kept running and left you behind? Remember me?

JACK: Yeah. Of course. Charlie.

CHARLIE: Well, even if I'm the useless sidekick on this little venture, at least I get to deliver a meaningful, memorable final line! Here I go. Guys––how does something like that happen?

The camera ZOOMS UPWARD, focusing on the MANGLED, BLOOD-SOAKED BODY lying in the BRANCHES OF A TREE.

PILOT: I'm really dead this time!

LOST

* * *

AN: A quick parting note to say something you may or may not have known–– In the original Lost pilot script, Jack got killed by the monster too. I watched the cast auditions on the 7th DVD, and it was funny because everyone was talking about how the monster got Jack. 


	2. Episode 2: Pilot, Part 2

Episode Two:  
Pilot - Part 2, _or_ In which the superhot genius Iraqi hero is introduced

LOST

JACK, KATE, and CHARLIE are TREKKING through the WOODS, after their adventure at the COCKPIT.

CHARLIE: You know, Kate, when I was in the bathroom on the plane, I totally wasn't looking for drugs. I mean, I don't even know what bloody drugs _are_. Someone talks to me about drugs and I'm all What? What the bloody hell are you talking about?

KATE: Why so defensive, Charlie?

CHARLIE: Defensive? Me? I don't even know what the bloody hell defensive means! I just don't want you to think I'm a heroin addict or anything. Or cocaine. Or any drug really, I mean it doesn't have to be heroin. Anyway, I'm not a drug addict.

KATE: Well, good. I'm not a fugitive from justice.

CHARLIE: Wow! I think we're bonding!

KATE: Sorry. I'm only attracted to doctors and grifters.

CHARLIE: Damn. I hate this bloody island.

Scene cuts to CHARLIE, sitting in the PLANE.

CHARLIE: Oh man, I really need some drugs. You see…I'm a heroin addict.

AUDIENCE: We are _so_ surprised.

CINDY: Sir, you seem nervous. Are you, perhaps, planning to hijack the plane? I mean, can I get you some water?

CHARLIE: Is it laced with heroin?

CINDY: Um, no… Although I might have been able to hook you up, if only you were handsome and wearing an Armani suit. Too bad for you. Buh-bye now.

CHARLIE: That not-so-nice flight attendant seemed very suspicious. I think now would be a very good time to race un-suspiciously towards the front of the plane.

Charlie HURRIES from his seat and DOWN THE AISLE.

CINDY: Halt, terrorist! I mean, please wait, sir.

CHARLIE: Uh-oh. Better run faster so she doesn't think I'm up to anything.

The plane SHAKES as it encounters TURBULENCE.

CHARLIE: I don't need to fasten my bloody seatbelt… I'm the bass player from bloody _Driveshaft_, for chrissake!

Charlie finally finds an UNOCCUPIED BATHROOM. He gets out the PLASTIC BAGGIE of HEROIN from his SHOE.

CHARLIE: Lucky I didn't have to take my shoes off at customs, innit?

He shakes the HEROIN into his PALM.

AUDIENCE: That's not heroin! That's _laundry detergent_!

CHARLIE: Mmm…detergent…

The plane encounters MORE TURBULENCE and Charlie is THROWN AGAINST THE CEILING.

CHARLIE: Argh.

Charlie STUMBLES out of the bathroom. A SNACK CART comes HURTLING towards him!

CHARLIE: I hate this bloody plane.

Scene cuts to a SUNBATHING SHANNON on the BEACH.

SHANNON: Look at me, I'm so hot.

CLAIRE: In case you haven't noticed, I'm pregnant.

JIN is standing in the WATER.

JIN: Yum, prickly spiky sea urchin. We'll be eatin' good tonight! By the way, I only speak Korean.

SUN: Yeah…me too…

MICHAEL: I was looking for my son…but then I noticed that this lady had one button open on her conservative, long-sleeved shirt, so I came over to ogle.

SUN: I'm a dutiful wife.

Scene cuts to WALT, wandering alone through the HAUNTED JUNGLE.

WALT: Here, doggy doggy doggy. Ooh, shiny handcuffs.

MICHAEL: Walt! What do you think you're doing, wandering alone through the haunted jungle?

WALT: I found handcuffs!

MICHAEL: Uh-oh. You know what that means. Someone on the plane was into some kinky stuff.

Scene cuts to SAWYER and SAYID on the BEACH, FIGHTING amidst a circle of ONLOOKERS.

SAWYER: Are you now or have you ever been a member of the communist party!

SAYID: Okay, okay, I get it… I'm "the Iraqi." There's "the pregnant girl" and "the fat guy," so now I have my own little pigeonhole too. That's great.

MICHAEL: So I found these handcuffs.

SAYID: Oh! So you're not just a redneck, you're "the criminal"!

SAWYER: Hey! I am not a crook!

SAYID: Man, I really wish I could torture you by sticking bamboo under your fingernails.

KATE: Stop fighting. Fighting makes me upset. I'm very delicate. Anyway, we found the transceiver. Too bad it doesn't work.

SAYID: I can fix it! Hey, I'm just as much a hero as Jack. I can be "the superhot genius Iraqi hero"!

BOONE: So, just to clarify here, am I really as much of a loser as I look?

JACK: Uh, yeah.

Scene cuts to SAYID, sitting alone with the TRANSCEIVER. HURLEY sits NEXT TO HIM.

HURLEY: Hey, Iraqi.

SAYID: Hey, fat guy.

HURLEY: I like you.

SAYID: Well, good. I was really worried about your opinion, fat guy.

HURLEY: So how'd you get to be such a superhot genius hero?

SAYID: I was a military communications officer. We did a lot of technology stuff. You know, in between the torturing. Plus, I was in the Gulf War!

HURLEY: Nifty, dude. Go America! Hey, would you happen to have a flag on you? I was feeling patriotic, felt like saying the pledge, maybe the national anthem…you could join me!

SAYID: Actually, I was one of the bad guys.

HURLEY: This is awkward.

Scene cuts to KATE, bathing in the OCEAN.

KATE: Why am I so sad when I look so hot? Did you notice how smooth and gorgeous my armpit is? Who knew you could get that kind of precision shaving from a jagged piece of shrapnel?

SUN: I only speak Korean.

Kate, now CLOTHED, approaches SAYID on the BEACH.

SAYID: Transceiver works. Yay for me. We just need to take a little stroll up that huge mountain back there in order to send a message.

KATE: Everything has a catch, doesn't it.

Kate walks up to JACK and the MAN with a HUGE CHUNK OF METAL sticking out of his TORSO.

JACK: If I take this metal out, then I'll be able to save him. But only if he doesn't, like, get infected, which is very, very unlikely, and only as long as I can give him antibiotics, which I'm sure I can obtain here on this deserted island. I can save everyone!

KATE: Well…good luck. I really want him to survive. I love this guy.

JACK: Okay, glad to hear it.

KATE: So. Me and Sayid are going off into the jungle together. Completely alone. Probably overnight. We're going to find the cockpit–– I mean, try and send a message with the transceiver.

JACK: I don't approve. You can only have a bond with _me_. Not with some Iraqi. Or any grifters, just in case you were thinking about that.

KATE: Don't worry. I won't let Sayid do my hair. Only you.

Scene cuts to JIN and SUN on the BEACH.

JIN: Mm, yummy poisonous-looking prickly spiky sea urchin meat. Everyone is going to _love_ eating this! Who needs boar!

HURLEY: Are you for real? No thanks, Korean dude.

Behind Jin, Sun OPENS a BUTTON on her SHIRT.

SUN: I'm a _rebellious_ wife!

WALT sits on the BEACH reading a COMIC BOOK.

WALT: Hm, polar bears. I'd like to have a polar bear. It would be neat if there were polar bears on the island.

WRITERS: Hey, good idea.

MICHAEL: Walt! Did I say you could read a comic book? Why don't you ever _listen_ to me? Anywho…I decided that Vincent's definitely dead, so just forget about him. I'll get you a nice new little puppy once we're off the island.

Walt DISSOLVES into TEARS and RUNS AWAY.

AUDIENCE: You really don't know how to be a father, do you?

CHARLIE, in the edge of the JUNGLE, takes out his HEROIN.

CHARLIE: Ha ha. I'm in the bloody jungle! Ooh, a rock.

JACK is on the BEACH with HURLEY.

JACK: Understand? Get…medicine…from…luggage.

HURLEY: Okay, dude. But what's this _medicine_ stuff for, anyway? I mean like…what are you going to do with it?

JACK: Everyone on this island is stupid! _I'll_ get the freakin' medicine!

SHANNON is sitting on the BEACH, having a MINOR BREAKDOWN.

SHANNON: I've got sand in my hair.

BOONE: You know, Shannon, you're almost as much a loser as I am.

SHANNON: Oh, yeah, _right_. Does that mean I'm "marked for death" or something silly like that?

BOONE: Whatever. Let's have a fight. You're worthless!

SHANNON: Screw you! I am so not worthless. Anyone who wants a pedicure, I'm their girl.

BOONE: Um, I think that basically proves my point.

SHANNON: Plus, I know French.

BOONE: Oh, right, like _that's_ ever going to be useful here. Maybe if it was _Korean_…

SHANNON: Ooh, hey, there's that superhot genius Iraqi hero. I think I'll tag along with him.

BOONE: Hey! You can't do that! You're supposed to be worthless!

KATE: Um, would you guys mind not shouting in my face?

CHARLIE: Hey, guys. What's going on? Me, I've been real busy not doing any drugs.

SHANNON: We're going up the mountain.

CHARLIE: Let me get this straight. You _and_ Kate are going up the mountain?

SHANNON: Yep.

CHARLIE: Score. I mean, I'll go too. I'm so obviously desperate, even though _clearly_ none of you are ever going to want me because I'm a freaking _hobbit_.

KATE: Great. We're one big happy family.

SAYID: I think Boone and Shannon are maybe a little bit _too_ happy.

SAWYER sits in the WRECKAGE as the PARTY LEAVES.

SAWYER: I'm pretending to be reading this very emotionally significant letter, but really I'm thinking up clever nicknames for everyone. So far I've got about five different ones for the Iraqi. Hey, I think I'll go with him up the mountain so I can try them out.

Scene cuts to SAWYER, KATE, CHARLIE, SAYID, SHANNON, and BOONE climbing a VERTICAL MOUNTAIN FACE.

SHANNON: I'm really, really glad I came on _this_ trip.

CHARLIE: I'm climbing behind Kate. Heh heh heh.

BOONE: I'm climbing behind Shannon, so I can pretend to help her up the mountain while really I just want to touch her legs. Heh heh heh.

AUDIENCE: Pervert.

SAYID: I wonder if anyone would notice if I just casually pushed Boone off the mountain.

Meanwhile, on the BEACH, JACK rummages through LUGGAGE.

MICHAEL: What are you looking for?

JACK: Something pointy.

MICHAEL: Cool.

JACK: There's a dog in the jungle.

MICHAEL: Well, it's probably not Vincent. On an island this size, I bet there are lots of labradors running around.

LOCKE sits on the sand with a BACKGAMMON BOARD.

LOCKE: Hey there, Walt. Come over here and let me begin to corrupt you with my evil influence.

WALT: That sounds like fun. My mom's dead.

LOCKE: Yeah, well, we all got problems. Let me explain the history of backgammon to you.

WALT: That sounds like fun. I like Mr. Locke.

LOCKE: There are two sides in backgammon…light and dark.

AUDIENCE: Wait, is this some kind of complex metaphor?

LOCKE: Hey Walt…wanna know a _secret_?

AUDIENCE: Uh…you're a child molester?

CLAIRE sits on the beach in a PLANE CHAIR.

JIN: Have some prickly spiky sea urchin meat! No one's taken any so far. Can't imagine why.

CLAIRE: Well…okay. Let me just pick the least poisonous-looking piece… Oh, hey! I'm pregnant!

CLAIRE grabs Jin's HAND and places it on her BELLY.

JIN: Yes, I see you are in the family way. Please let go of me, crazy pregnant lady.

Scene cuts to SAWYER, KATE, CHARLIE, SAYID, SHANNON, and BOONE hiking through the WOODS.

SAWYER: This seems like a good time to needle the Iraqi into another fight.

SAYID: I really hate that redneck guy.

KATE: Oh, I don't know…he's kinda cute…

CHARLIE: Uh, guys. I think there's another monster. Or, possibly, the same one. Of which I am bloody terrified. Running away now.

SHANNON: Oh no oh no oh no I'm gonnna die eeeeek­­–– Wow, I really am useless.

SAWYER: Well, _I'm_ not gonna run away. I can be a hero just like the doctor and the Iraqi. Plus it helps that I have this loaded gun tucked into the back of my pants.

The MONSTER runs CLOSER, and Kate, Charlie, Sayid, Boone, and Shannon RUN AWAY.

KATE: Oh no…Sawyer's not with us!

SAYID: Yeah, maybe the monster will get him!

SAWYER: Let's see how many shots it takes before I actually hit the thing! One…two…three…four…five…six…seven…eight…nine…

AUDIENCE: Way to waste the ammo, Sawyer.

SAWYER: There! Got 'im! Excellent marksmanship!

The other five RETURN at the sound of the GUNSHOTS.

CHARLIE: Oh no! It's a killer sheep! We have to find the hole in the wainscotting!

KATE: No, Charlie. It's a killer polar bear.

SAYID: That's weird.

SAWYER: No shit.

Scene cuts to JACK, HURLEY, and the MAN with a HUGE CHUNK OF METAL sticking out of his TORSO.

HURLEY: Let me just make sure he's really, truly unconscious. He could be, like…faking. You know…pretending.

JACK: Okay, whatever, fat guy. Now, you hold down shrapnel guy.

HURLEY: Okay, but I warn you, I'll probably faint or something.

JACK: _Whatever_. I'm a _hero_, I'm sure I can handle it. Why am I even getting you to help me, anyway? You've already made it clear that you're comic relief and useless for any other purpose.

Jack PULLS OUT the SHRAPNEL.

SHRAPNEL: Schwloop bloody bloody bloody.

HURLEY: Ew.

Hurley FAINTS on top of SHRAPNEL GUY.

JACK: Great. Why didn't he _warn_ me that he might faint? Now how am I going to lift this guy off my patient?

Scene cuts to SAWYER, KATE, CHARLIE, SAYID, SHANNON, and BOONE, staring at the POLAR BEAR.

SHANNON: I'm just thinking out loud here, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think polar bears are called polar bears because they live in _polar_ climates, and I don't really think an island with lots of fruit and vegetation and sudden rainshowers every afternoon really qualifies as polar.

CHARLIE: Well, she's clearly an idiot, but as long as I'm careful to be nice to her, I might get some. I mean, once she knows I'm the bloody bass player from bloody _Driveshaft_, she won't be able to resist me.

KATE: So, Sawyer, you have…a––a gun.

SAWYER: Oh, sure. Nicked it off that U.S. Marshall because––don't forget––I'm "the criminal."

KATE: Ah, the cold metal, fitting so neatly into my soft palm…the feeling of my finger applying just the right amount of pressure to the trigger…that oh-so-seductively curved trigger…

CHARLIE: Should we be concerned that Kate is apparently rhapsodizing about guns?

Kate suddenly RIPS the GUN from Sawyer's HANDS.

CHARLIE: Guys? She's got the gun. Should we be concerned _now_?

SAYID: Charlie, come on, relax. Kate is obviously a sweet and innocent woman, so I'll just condescendingly explain to her how to dismantle that gun in nice, simple instructions that even a woman can understand.

Kate DISMANTLES the GUN and gives the all the IMPORTANT PARTS to Sayid.

SAYID: Good job, Kate!

SAWYER: Well, it doesn't matter. I can render Kate helpless by the awesome power of my dimpled smile anyway.

Kate WANDERS behind a TREE, looking TROUBLED.

Scene cuts to KATE, sitting on the PLANE next to––dun dun dun––SHRAPNEL GUY!

SHRAPNEL GUY: I'm actually a U.S. Marshall.

KATE: I'm actually a fugitive from justice, wearing completely inconspicuous handcuffs that obviously nobody noticed.

The plane SHAKES as it encounters TURBULENCE.

SHRAPNEL GUY: Ooh, turbulence, my favorite! Just like a roller coaster!

KATE: I may seem like a heartless, hardened criminal here, but I'm actually a good, kind person on the inside. If you're willing to overlook just a couple murders, of course––only one or two. I mean, that hardly counts, right?

The plane encounters MORE TURBULENCE and people (who didn't FASTEN their SEATBELTS) are THROWN against the CEILING as LUGGAGE FLIES AROUND.

SUITCASE: Weeee! …whack!

SHRAPNEL GUY: Ow.

KATE: Uh-oh, can't reach my oxygen mask. Lucky I'm so skilled at fishing keys out of the pockets of unconscious men and using them to unlock my own handcuffs while bumping violently around at 50,000 feet in the air.

SHRAPNEL GUY: I can't put on my oxygen mask because I'm unconscious, dammit!

KATE: This is a great opportunity to demonstrate my true kind-heartedness!

TAIL SECTION OF PLANE: This is a great opportunity to suddenly break off from the rest of the plane and plummit into the ocean!

Scene cuts to JACK, leaning over the BLOODY WOUND of SHRAPNEL GUY, who is UNCONSCIOUS. HURLEY is also UNCONSCIOUS, although Jack has apparently LIFTED him off shrapnel guy, perhaps using some sort of GIGANTIC LEVER fashioned from the WRECKAGE of the PLANE. But we shall never know how he accomplished this AMAZING FEAT.

SHRAPNEL GUY: Okay, okay, I'm awake… Are we in L.A. yet?

JACK: Well…we're having a bit of a layover, actually.

SHRAPNEL GUY: Oh, by the way… THERE'S A DANGEROUS CRIMINAL ON THE LOOSE! SHE'S A FREAKIN' MURDERER! But I'm sure you'll all be fine. Good night.

Scene cut to KATE'S FACE, still looking TROUBLED.

KATE: I'm really troubled.

SHANNON: I hate walking. Maybe Boone will give me a piggyback ride.

SAYID: I think I'll check the transceiver now. I couldn't have done it before, obviously, because that would have meant actually going along with that redneck criminal.

Sayid takes out the TRANSCEIVER as the others CROWD AROUND.

SAYID: Hey! Reception! We have a bar!

CHARLIE: If we had Cingular, we'd have _five_ bars!

SAYID: Okay, okay, let's just see here…maybe if I push _this_ button…

Charlie SPEAKS into the TRANSCEIVER.

CHARLIE: Can you hear me now? No? Damn. I mean, bollocks.

SAYID: Charlie! That's _not_ going to work. No, I see what the problem is here. There is something _already transmitting_.

SAWYER: In case anyone's forgotten, I hate this guy. You terrorist!

Suddenly, the TRANSCEIVER begins to spout FRENCH.

TRANSCEIVER: Voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir?

CHARLIE: We're saved! Let's run around in happy circles!

BOONE: Quick, Shannon! This is your chance to prove you're not completely useless! Translate the French!

SHANNON: Nope, can't help you. I've realized that you were right, Boone. I'm completely useless after all, so there's no way I can translate anything. It's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

TRANSCEIVER: Iteration 172 blah blah blah.

SAYID: Let's see…the message is thirty seconds long, it's been repeated 17.2 million times…divide by 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day, and 365 days a year…let me just do some quick calculations in my head here…

SAWYER: No way, Insert Generic Middle Eastern Name Here.

SAYID: Hey, that's why I'm "the superhot _genius_ Iraqi hero."

BOONE: Please, Shannon, translate. We _need_ you.

SHANNON: Well…okay. Boone's bedroom eyes have convinced me. I just try to ignore his eyebrows most of the time.

Shannon takes the TRANSCEIVER and LISTENS.

SHANNONS: Well, it's this French lady…she's just bitching and moaning on about some monster or something that ate everyone.

BOONE: Good translating, Shannon! I'm so proud of you! You remembered the French words for "kill" and "die" and "island" and everything! Three cheers for Shannon!

Sayid takes this moment to INTERRUPT DRAMATICALLY.

SAYID: Sixteen years! According to the calculations performed in my superhot Iraqi genius head, that message has been repeating for sixteen years!

CHARLIE: Well, that's a right kick in the bollocks.

BOONE: We are _so_ freakin' screwed.

KATE: We need to be optimistic about this, guys.

SAWYER: Life sucks.

CHARLIE: Once again, I get the dramatic final line in order to make up for my complete uselessness all the way here! Guys––where the bloody bollocks are we?

LOST

* * *

AN: Okay, I forgot I'm the most horrible person at updating ever. This stupid episode took, like, four weeks when it was only supposed to take one. I just finished it in a little spurt of inspiration after watching "The Long Con." Which kind of confused me, but I was muchly happy for a Sawyer episode. Better, the next episode looks like it's about Sayid! Sayid is my favorite character, so the title of this chapter was only meant half-ironically. Or, really, not ironically at all. 

Various references in this chapter… Charlie's killer sheep comment is from a Monty Python sketch about killer sheep in the wainscotting…Charlie also quotes from Cingular commercials, at least I think they're Cingular, but maybe one of them's Verizon or something…the transceiver, of course, quotes from "Lady Marmalade"… Oh, and bollocks. I'm really excited about bollocks. I've been having Charlie say bloody a lot, but then I remembered that he says bollocks too, so I looked it up and found a Wikipedia article all about its etymology and various uses. Turns out "bollocks" means "testicles," and there are a variety of different phrases. "Kick in the bollocks," for example, "is used to describe a significant setback or disappointment." So expect a lot of bollocks phrases from Charlie in future.

That's all for now. Be sure to give corrections, additions, subtractions, and/or suggestions. Not sure about next update. Am toying with writing a serious episode about Sayid that I guess would have to be an AU version of the next episode. Anyway, look out for that.


	3. Episode 3: Tabula Rasa

Episode 3:  
Tabula Rasa, _or_ In which the title of the episode is either completely ironic or just completely stupid

* * *

Scene opens with a general VIEW of the BEACH. Various people are SHIRTLESS, and CLAIRE is still PREGNANT. JACK is SEWING UP the SHRAPNEL GUY.

SHARPNEL GUY: Have I told you there's a dangerous criminal on the loose?

JACK: Yeah. Real useful information. I'll just _arrest_ them, shall I? We can make a cage out of freakin' _bamboo_.

SHRAPNEL GUY: You've spilled grape juice on your shirt again. Messy, messy boy.

JACK: Actually, that's blood. _Your_ blood, you ungrateful SOB.

SHRAPNEL GUY: Hey, I've just remembered that I'm carrying around a mug shot of that dangerous criminal I keep telling you about. Check it out.

Jack slowly UNFOLDS the sheet of PAPER, which holds several PICTURES of KATE.

MUG SHOT KATE: Hey, Jack. Surprise!

JACK: Uh-oh. This might put a bit of a hitch in our bonding.

Scene cuts to KATE'S FACE, looking TROUBLED.

KATE: Don't I have any other facial expressions?

BOONE: Hey, guys…it's getting dark. That's kind of…well, it's just that this island is pretty creepy, and there's a monster and all…

SAWYER: No problem. I'm sure we can find our way through the jungle at night.

SAYID: Actually, I think this steeply sloping hillside would be a really comfortable place for us to camp.

SAWYER: No, thanks. I have a gun, that'll help us find our way.

KATE: Sawyer, put your gun back in your pants.

Shannon, Boone, Charlie, and Sawyer SNICKER.

KATE: What? What did I–– Oh, grow _up_.

SAYID: I don't get it.

Some time LATER, the six ADVENTURERS are seated around a merrily roaring FIRE. HOW did they get the fire LIT? We shall never know.

SAYID: I've got this nifty torch that's burning perfectly. Perhaps the tip is soaked in petrol.

CHARLIE: Let's hope that monster isn't attracted to light. Like a giant moth.

SAYID: So…update: our plane crashed.

CHARLIE: Yeah, but the French are coming to save us…right?

KATE: No, Charlie.

CHARLIE: Well, they've rather dropped the bollock then, haven't they?

BOONE: I'm a straight-laced, good, honest, mama's boy. Too bad none of that makes up for me being a scary-eyebrowed loser.

SHANNON: I've still found time to strategically re-apply my lip gloss.

KATE: And I'm still troubled.

AUDIENCE: Okay! We know what's going on with everyone by now!

SAYID: Well, _I'm_ the unofficial self-named leader of our adventuring troupe, so _I_ get to say what we do about this whole message, French woman, sixteen years, doom doom despair death thing. I got to say where we camped, and now I get to say what we tell the others. We must keep this whole thing a secret, because I know what's best for everyone. It's called _discretion_, you know.

SAWYER: Oh, shut up, Insert Generic Middle Eastern Name Here.

Kate looks TROUBLED––AGAIN.

KATE: We're going to _lie_? I've nothing against murdering, of course, but _lying_…ooh.

Scene cuts to JACK and HURLEY at the INFIRMARY TENT.

HURLEY: Dude, I'm telling you, the monster is one of those dinosaurs from King Kong's island. I think that's where we are, man.

JACK: Hurley, that doesn't make any sense. For one thing, on King Kong's island there's a tribe of mysterious, murderous natives. Are there any mysterious, murderous natives here? I don't think so.

HURLEY: Whatever, dude. So this shrapnel guy…do you think he's in pain at all?

JACK: Well, he's lying there with a gaping bloody infected hole in his side and moaning all the time. What do _you_ think?

Hurley picks up a piece of PAPER that Jack has left INCONSPICUOUSLY sitting on a pile of CLOTHES.

HURLEY: Hey, what's this?

MUG SHOT KATE: Surprise! I'm a crook!

HURLEY: Huh. Dude.

JACK: Oh yeah…listen, don't mention that to anyone, okay? I mean, it's not really our business if she's a deranged criminal madman who might murder us all in our sleep, right?

HURLEY: Right on! I know a secret! Does that mean I'm one of the cool kids now?

LOST

Scene opens upon the DARKENED CAMPSITE of our six intrepid ADVENTURERS. But what's this? A mysterious pair of FEET is walking around, STEALING the gun AMMO from SAYID!

SAYID: Guess what, I'm a light sleeper.

Sayid LUNGES to his FEET.

SAYID: I've got you now, you criminal–– Oh. It's not the criminal, it's the loser prettyboy. My faith in stereotypes has been shaken.

BOONE: Don't worry, this is only my _first_ pathetic attempt at being useful but actually just ending up looking like more of an idiot.

CHARLIE: I have an idea! Let's give the gun to the person who, unbeknownst to us, is a federal criminal on the run from the law! That would just be such a deliciously ironic twist, don't you think?

KATE: You want to give me the…the gun?

Kate's EYES are GLAZED and she LICKS her LIPS.

CHARLIE: On second thought, maybe that wasn't a very smart suggestion.

Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. KATE is sleeping in a pile of HAY while an OLD MAN threatens her with a RIFLE.

OLD MAN: Hey, girlie, wakey wakey. I'm not really going to shoot you, I just wanted to look intimidating. But screw that, how about breakfast?

KATE: Good idea. I'm not at all dangerous, my name's not Kate, and I'm not a fugitive from justice.

OLD MAN: 'Kay. Come have some bacon.

Scene cuts to the INSIDE of the FARMHOUSE. KATE eats BACON.

KATE: My story about how I came to be in you barn isn't very believable. Sorry.

OLD MAN: Oh, that's all right, I don't mind. But it would really help me out if you had a spare 23 grand to give me… Do you?

KATE: Sorry, can't help you there.

OLD MAN: Oh well. I'm sure I'll get the money somehow. Perhaps by catching a criminal and getting a reward. Meanwhile, maybe you should stay here. I'll give you money and a place to sleep.

KATE: Uh…what exactly are you proposing?

OLD MAN: My arm is fake. Or maybe just really, really hard.

Scene cuts back to the ISLAND. The intrepid ADVENTURERS have RETURNED, and SAYID, the UNOFFICIAL SELF-NAMED LEADER and SUPERHOT GENIUS IRAQI HERO, is giving a SPEECH surrounded by ONLOOKERS.

SAYID: The transceiver didn't work, yes, terrible, doom doom despair death.

JIN: Why are we listening to this? We don't understant a word he's saying!

SUN: Nope. I don't know anything about a transceiver.

JACK approaches the GATHERING, and KATE immediately RUNS to him along the BEACH.

KATE: Jack!

JACK: Kate!

KATE: Thank goodness you're here, my hair really needs to be brushed.

JACK: Don't worry, Kate. I'm here for you. Even if you _are_ a dangerous criminal. Speaking of that, is there anything you want to tell me? Anything at all? Anything possibly related to your possibly dark and mysterious past?

KATE: Well, yeah. The transceiver really _did_ work. Message, French woman, sixteen years, doom doom despair death. It's a secret, but I had to tell you because of our bond and all.

JACK: Okay, but are you _sure_ there isn't anything _else_ you want to tell me about your possibly dark and mysterious past?

KATE: Nah. I'll just show an inordinate amount of interest in shrapnel guy.

Scene cuts to JACK and HURLEY, who apparently, as the COMIC RELIEF FAT GUY and ISLAND DOCTOR HERO, have a BOND of their own.

HURLEY: Dude. Kate's, like…a criminal. I mean, she…broke the law, and, like…got arrested.

JACK: Hurley, I already told you. If she wants to murder us all in our sleep, it's her business. I'm not getting involved with that.

HURLEY: Dude. You seriously have wacked-out priorities.

JACK: Hey, Hurley, how would you like to rummage in the plane around the dead mangled bloody bodies for––

HURLEY: Later, dude!

Hurley RUNS off, COMICALLY of course because he is FAT.

Scene cuts to the INSIDE of the PLANE, where JACK is rummaging around the dead mangled bloody BODIES for MEDICINE.

JACK: Heyy…toothpicks!

And OTHER NECESSITIES.

Suddenly, there are mysterious and ominous NOISES from another part of the PLANE.

SAWYER: Did you think I was a _monster_? Pansy.

JACK: Me hero. You scum.

SAWYER: No… You civilized. Me wild. Ooh-ooh-ooh, various other monkey noises, et cetera.

Scene cuts to the BEACH. CLAIRE is attempting to DRAG a SUITCASE across the SAND.

CHARLIE: Hey, this is my opportunity to not be completely useless for once! Charlie to the rescue! I might not be much help against monsters, but I can sure handle a suitcase!

CLAIRE: My hero!

JIN: Sun! Your face is dirty, your hair is tangled, and your clothes are a mess! How dare you not take better care of yourself on a deserted island with no hygienic facilities? Plus, you still haven't found my suitcase! And bring me some iced tea!

SUN: Okay.

CHARLIE: Heyy…are you pregnant?

CLAIRE: Yes, actually.

CHARLIE: I thought so. I really have an eye for these details. So, you, uh… Are you _married_? 'Cause if not, I'm going to follow you around and pretend to be a really great, caring friend when really I just want to get in your pants. Since Kate and Shannon _clearly_ aren't working out for me. How's a lowly hobbit supposed to compete with an island doctor hero, a superhot genius Iraqi hero, and a dimpled grifter? But I know I'll succeed in the end, since at least _I_ still have a sense of humor.

CLAIRE: Weren't you one of the people who hiked up the mountain?

CHARLIE: Gasp! She remembers me! I might _actually_ have a chance here!

Scene cuts to the TENT of SHRAPNEL GUY, aka MARSHALL AFTER KATE.

HURLEY: Whoops, it's the criminal. I mean, hi, uh, Kate, I mean…person I haven't met yet. What's your name?

KATE: Kate.

HURLEY: Oh, uh, really? Dude. Well. Dude. Oh yeah. I'm, uh, Hurley.

KATE: Hi, Hurley. Where's Jack?

HURLEY: Jack, Jack, uh…he went to get medicine from the, from the…the big thing, with the bodies…in the sand…?

KATE: …The fusillage?

HURLEY: That's the one!

HURLEY sees the GUN in the back of KATE'S PANTS!

HURLEY: Woah, hey, this chicky's armed. That is so not cool. Criminal! Criminal! Anyway I gotta go. I'll just leave shrapnel guy completely unprotected and alone with the criminal who has a gun and grudge against him. Well, bye, see ya!

And Hurley RUNS off. For a FAT MAN, he sure does a LOT of RUNNING.

Scene cuts to the INSIDE of the TENT. It is presumably LATER, as it is now RAINING. KATE KNEELS over SHRAPNEL GUY.

KATE: Hey, you…are you alive? 'Cause you know it would be really, really convenient for me if you were to just drop dead of some natural cause. Like that chunk of metal.

Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. KATE is RUMMAGING through some CUPBOARDS.

OLD MAN: Hey, Kate––I mean, Annie, hah hah, don't know why I called you Kate, that's funny, though I did know a Kate once and come to think of it she looked kind of like you, so that must be why I called you Kate, huh? Funny thing, huh?

KATE: Uh, yeah. So…I'm kind of leaving you now.

OLD MAN: Damn! This always happens to me! They always leave in the middle of the night, too.

KATE: So I'll just take my wages and walk out. Thanks for your help. Sorry I couldn't get you that 23 thousand.

OLD MAN: Oh, I don't know about that. Listen, Annie, you're probably running because you got jilted by some guy––

KATE: Uh…yes. Yes, that's exactly right, how did you know?

OLD MAN: I have an idea! I'll take you to the train station tomorrow! Completely out of the kindness of my old Australian heart.

KATE: You're so nice.

OLD MAN: Remember, Annie…everyone deserves a fresh start. Except, you know, you, since I'm turning you in and sending you to jail. Oh well. G'night.

Scene cuts back to the TENT.

SHRAPNEL GUY: I'm ALIVE! Let's kill KATE! Wooh!

JACK: No! I'll save you! And then I'll save shrapnel guy too! Because I can save everyone!

AUDIENCE: Yeah. We get it. Hero complex.

JACK: What did you _do_?

KATE: Nothing! What? Nothing! I sound like I'm lying, but I'm really not!

Kate PAUSES dramatically.

KATE: Jack…do you trust me?

JACK: No. Not really.

KATE: So much for our bond. I'll just ask another completely innocent, probing question about shrapnel guy's wellbeing.

JACK: I am now highly suspicious about your motives, Kate––if that _is_ your real name. Aagh, shrapnel guy has a hard abdomen!

KATE: Is that…bad? Yes? Good! I mean…bad.

JACK: Let's go out into the rain now.

BOONE in a brief CAMEO: The rain that we are _not_, for some reason, collecting, which will later become a semi-important plot point!

FANGIRLS: Yes! Jack in rain equals good.

KATE: We need to shout at each other since the rain is so very loud.

Kate then proceeds to act VERY CONCERNED about shrapnel guy's WELFARE.

KATE: Just to drive home the point that I actually have a heart of gold. I don't want him to suffer!

JACK: Yeah, well…he's pretty much gonna.

KATE: Huh. Hey, I suddenly have an idea! We could…kill him so he has absolutely no chance of making a miraculous recovery! ––I mean, to put him out of his misery. This has _just_ ocurred to me, mark you.

JACK: Actually, I suddenly hate you, so I'm not listening. By the way, I know you're a CROOK!

KATE: Damn.

Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. KATE and the NICE OLD AUSTRALIAN MAN are DRIVING, presumably to the TRAIN STATION. They engage in FRIVOLOUS BANTER about PATSY CLINE.

OLD MAN: Are you hungry, Annie? 'Cause we could stop up here and get some food. Do you have to go potty? 'Cause we could stop for that too. Basically, if you want to stop for any reason at all, that would be fine. In fact, it would be great!

KATE: Hm. Not trying to stall me at all here, are you, Ray?

The nice old Australian man's name is, apparently, RAY.

RAY: Who, me? Oh, no. No no no. Of course not. And I'm not constantly checking my mirror for that U.S. Marshall I called last night, either.

KATE: Oh, well, that's a relie–– Hang on, that's the U.S. Marshall following us! Even though the windshield is tinted, I know who it is because of my super-duper spidey-sense!

MARSHALL: Bwahahaha, I am _clearly_ evil!

KATE: Ray…I lived with you! I worked with you! How could you just _betray_ me like this?

RAY: Ah, well, you know what they say, Annie… Mortgages trump friendship and loyalty. Plus there's the whole "wanted for murder" bit.

KATE: I am shocked that you would turn in a dangerous murderer living under your own roof! And the name's not Annie, jerkface!

AUDIENCE: …Why are they still driving?

Scene cuts back to the ISLAND, where MICHAEL and WALT are setting up a TARP to keep out the RAIN.

MICHAEL: So, Walt, who's that creepy old bald man––I mean, nice grandfatherly figure you keep hanging out with?

WALT: It's Mr. Locke. I like Mr. Locke. He tells me _secrets_.

MICHAEL: What _kind_ of secrets? Nice fluffy bunny secrets or dark, scary, child molesting secrets?

WALT: Uh…the first kind?

MICHAEL: Well, I don't want you hanging around him.

WALT: What! Why?

MICHAEL: Because he's a child molester!

WALT: Is not!

MICHAEL: Is too!

WALT: Is not! You're just jealous!

MICHAEL: Walt, I am _not_ jealous of a child molester.

WALT: Well then, you'll prove it by finding Vincent.

MICHAEL: Walt, finding Vincent has no connection with being jealous of child molesters.

WALT: I knew you didn't care about my dog!

WALT begins to CRY.

MICHAEL: Fine! Fine, I'll find the damn dog. As soon as it stops raining.

The RAIN STOPS.

RAIN: Tee hee hee.

MICHAEL: Damn! What is this, the Matrix?

Scene cuts to MICHAEL, wandering through the HAUNTED DAMN JUNGLE and MUTTERING AMUSINGLY to himself. Suddenly, OMINOUS MONSTER NOISES emanate from the TALL GRASS.

MICHAEL: That must be Vincent! Here, boy! VINCENT! VINCENT! LET'S SEE HOW LOUDLY I CAN YELL IN ORDER TO GIVE AWAY MY POSITION!

AUDIENCE: You are some kind of idiot. RUN! AWAY!

Rather BELATEDLY, Michael begins to RUN! AWAY!

MUSIC: Building to a crescendo!

Shortly, he BURSTS into a CLEARING where SUN is––HALF-NAKED!

MUSIC: Suddenly screeching to an anti-climactic halt!

MICHAEL: Woah, score. I mean, oops.

Michael proceeds to BABBLE about the MONSTER.

SUN: Remember how my husband was telling me to wash up earlier in the episode? Yeah, that was a plot point.

MICHAEL: So, anyway, here's your shirt, and I'd better get going now… I didn't see anything!

Michael LEAVES. Sun channels KATE and looks TROUBLED. Michael suddenly RETURNS.

MICHAEL: I saw everything.

Scene cuts to the BEACH, where various SURVIVORS are forced to listen to the PAINFUL CRIES of SHRAPNEL GUY, wafting down the beach on the EVENING BREEZE.

CHARLIE: Whatcha makin'?

LOCKE takes about FIVE MINUTES to RESPOND.

CHARLIE: Driveshaft! Driveshaft!

LOCKE: Drive-what?

Meanwhile, SHANNON exhibits her extreme SPOILED BRAT-ITUDE and BOONE acts like LOSER. This family is clearly DOOMED.

SAYID: Hey Jack, remember I'm a hero too, so if you need any help––

JACK: I'm good with bodies, you're good with electronics, let's just stick to what we're good at, m-kay?

SAYID: Touchy, touchy. Actually, I wanted to tell you that everyone here on the beach pretty much thinks you're torturing that shrapnel guy, and it makes them unhappy because, you know, torturing is so uncool.

JACK: Why don't you keep your superhot genius Iraqi hero nose out of it? Go wash your hair!

SAYID: I can't! There's no olive oil!

Scene cuts to KATE, making a pile of STICKS. She is out of MATCHES. Fortunately, SAWYER appears with his LIGHTER.

SAWYER: I am such a HERO! I can light this pile of sticks with NO TROUBLE!

KATE: Yep, funny how that works. 'Cause you know, when I used to go camping, it was really difficult to get fires going, but on this island, things just light on fire, WHOOSH, like magic.

SAWYER: Which is odd, because with the heavy rains every afternoon, where do we keep getting our dry firewood?

KATE: Wow. This is definitely blowing my mind.

SAWYER: Uh-huh, yeah, well, I actually came to visit you so I could very subtly provoke you into maybe…cough MURDERING SHRAPNEL GUY! cough.

KATE: You're so subtle it makes me look troubled again.

Scene cuts to the INFIRMARY TENT, where JACK is tending to SHRAPNEL GUY.

SHRAPNEL GUY: I not feeling so good.

JACK: Poor, poor shrapnel guy.

SHRAPNEL GUY: Listen up. I know that CRIMINAL probably turns you on, but you gotta remember, she's an EVIL! TEMPTRESS! Do you hear me? EVIL! TEMPTRESS! She will turn you into a PIG!

JACK: There, there. Hush and be a good boy.

SHRAPNEL GUY: Hey, don't you patronize me just because I'm _dying_! I'm a U.S. Marshall, dammit! Bring the girl to me, so I can cough menacingly at her!

JACK: No…not the menacing cough!

Scene cuts to KATE, looking––gasp gasp shock surprise––TROUBLED!

KATE: Hey, I'm a troubled girl, okay?

Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. KATE and RAY are DRIVING, the MARSHALL following.

RAY: Why are we driving on the wrong sides of the road?

AUDIENCE: Why are you still driving at all!

KATE: Okay. Okay. I'm going to get out of this. Ray! Look over there, it's a…a kangaroo!

RAY: Oh, like I haven't seen plenty of _those_ before.

KATE: Damn. Okay, Plan B. I'll grab the wheel, run off the road, and flip the car multiple times!

AUDIENCE: Because that's such a good idea.

KATE: I'm a freakin' deranged criminal madman! RAR!

Kate proceeds to CARRY OUT PLAN B.

CAR: Rollin'…rollin'…rollin' down the embankment…

KATE: I'm not hurt at all! I'm INVINCIBLE!

RAY: I'm BLOODY, so clearly badly injured.

KATE: Oops. Well, I'll just drag this body out of the car and up to the road, hitch a ride, and I'm saved! I'm sure no one will mind picking me up with a bloody old man corpse in tow!

CAR: If this were an Indiana Jones movie, I would have exploded by now.

Kate proceeds to DRAG the BLOODY OLD MAN CORPSE up to the ROAD.

FAKE ARM: I'm free! I'm free!

KATE: Oops.

MARSHALL: Too late, I've got a GUN! Bwahaha!

KATE: Despite everything, I'm still kind at heart.

Scene cuts back to the ISLAND, where KATE is inside the TENT, still TROUBLED, if her facial EXPRESSION is anything to go by.

SHRAPNEL GUY: Kate…I've gotta know…what was the favor you wanted? I'm dying of curiousity here.

KATE: Actually, I think you're dying of a big old chunk of metal.

JACK in a brief CAMEO: And a hard abdomen!

Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. The MARSHALL and most inconspicuously-handcuffed KATE are sitting in the turbulential PLANE.

KATE: I have favor.

MARSHALL: Congratulations.

And you KNOW the REST.

Scene cuts back to the ISLAND, inside the TENT.

KATE: Once again, I will drive home the point that I am actually a good person.

SHRAPNEL GUY: And even though I'm the only law-abiding person in this tent, I'm actually a complete bastard.

KATE: Maybe that's why _you're_ gonna die, while _I_ am home free! But I am so kind-hearted, I am upset that you will die even though you're such a bastard.

SHRAPNEL GUY: That prompts me to…cough menacingly in your general direction!

AUDIENCE: Rar. We like Kate, not you, because Kate is troubled but good in spirit.

Scene cuts to JACK, on the BEACH and looking TROUBLED.

AUDIENCE: We're beginning to think that everyone on this island is troubled.

WRITERS: Caught on, have you?

HURLEY appears and ASKS about CRIMINAL KATE.

JACK: She's in the tent, completely alone, with shrapnel guy.

HURLEY: I will now be completely horrified about this, even though _I_ left her alone with shrapnel guy earlier this same day!

Hurley INFORMS Jack of Kate's GUN-TOTING status.

JACK: Argh, I must now race towards the tent and save the day!

KATE EXITS the TENT.

JACK: Oh. Whew.

A sudden GUNSHOT.

AUDIENCE: So…he…killed _him_self?

SAWYER EXITS the TENT.

AUDIENCE: That's…random.

KATE: Yeah, I summoned him over here with my ESP.

SAWYER: And I can turn invisible, so Jack didn't see me go into the tent.

JACK: Gasp! What did you _do_!

SAWYER: Oh, I fired the gun into the _sand_. What do you _think_ I did? Pansy. _I'm_ a real man, I'm in the _wild_, remember?

From the TENT comes the sound of GARBLED BREATHING.

AUDIENCE: So…he's…not dead?

Jack and Sawyer RUN into the TENT.

JACK: _Why_ did Kate give you that gun? You couldn't even hit a freakin' _polar bear_ when it was right in front of you!

SAWYER: I'm. Uh. Well. Oopsie.

JACK: I now hate you.

SHRAPNEL GUY: I…gargle…menacingly…in your…general…

Sawyer EXITS the TENT.

SAWYER: Now I will show how upset I am by failing to light a cigarette.

The BREATHING STOPS. Jack EXITS the TENT.

HURLEY: Dude. What'd you do, jump on his face?

JACK: Who's the real man now, Sawyer, huh? Who's the real man now?

Scene cuts to LOCKE, sitting on the BEACH the following MORNING, blowing a WHISTLE.

LOCKE: I made this whistle myself using a stick of wood and one of my four hundred knives!

VINCENT: Do I hear the dulcet strains of a dog whistle?

LOCKE: Yeah! I am _such _an expert dog-whistle maker!

VINCENT: If I was this close to the beach, why did I never go out there _before_, where there were people who would feed me?

WRITERS: Because Vincent's absence was a _characterization device_, of course.

Locke WALKS to MICHAEL and AROUSES HIM from SLUMBER.

MICHAEL: Agh, child molester!

LOCKE: What?

MICHAEL: I mean… What?

LOCKE: I found the dog. But since I'm a nice grandfatherly figure, I want _you_ to give him to Walt, so that he'll maybe, you know, not hate you.

MICHAEL: Aw, that's so nice. I like Mr. Locke! Except not for long, 'cause I still really think he's a child molester.

Scene cuts to JACK, sitting on the BEACH. KATE sits BESIDE him.

KATE: I will tell truth to Jack so that we may bond.

JACK: No, Kate, don't you get it? On this island, our past lives don't matter at all! They will never affect us in any way! And we certainly won't constantly flash back to them! So basically, we've all died.

AUDIENCE: This line will prompt us to create the very philosophical theory that they are all actually dead!

JOHN LOCKE in a brief CAMEO: Tabula rasa! Tabula rasa!

But WHICH Locke IS it?

JACK: A blank slate, Kate. A blank slate.

KATE: I've changed my mind about sharing with Jack. He's clearly an _idiot_.

JACK: Now let us both look very intently at our hands in order to emphasize the fact that we have just had a Very Significant Moment.

Scene cuts to a general VIEW of the BEACH (to remind us that there are actually OTHER survivors besides JACK and KATE). HURLEY listens to MUSIC and various RANDOM PEOPLE do various RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS. This is very RANDOM.

MUSIC: Happy! Happy!

JIN: I will pet my sleeping wife. Pet pet pet.

SHANNON: I am completely ecstatic that Boone has given me a pair of sunglasses. This will seem random, as the storyline that goes along with it was cut out of the final episode.

SAYID: I'll give my archnemesis Sawyer an orange! I don't want him to get scurvy!

SAWYER: This is somehow very meaningful to me.

CHARLIE: I'm taping my fingers and writing on them! This will later become a semi-important plot point!

CLAIRE: And yes, I am _still_ pregnant.

MICHAEL leads VINCENT down the BEACH. WALT runs JOYOUSLY towards them.

WALT: I am HAPPY!

MICHAEL: I am HAPPY!

MUSIC: Happy! Happy!

LOCKE sits with his BACK towards the CAMERA, WATCHING the JOYOUS REUNION.

AUDIENCE: Aw, he really is a nice grandfatherly figure!

The CAMERA pans around to SHOW Locke's FACE.

MUSIC: Creepy! Threatening! Ominous! Menacing growl!

AUDIENCE: Never mind. He's clearly a child molester.

LOST­­­­­­­­­­­­

* * *

AN: Yep, that's what I call a snappy update. Oh well. This one was slow, but I think it got better towards the middle. Except the whole shrapnel guy death scene was kind of morbid… Also lots of audience participation in this episode. Not so sure about that. And…the Matrix jokes begin! Muahaha. Also Sayid-with-uber-long-hair jokes! On that note, if anyone can point me toward other movies these actors have been in, that would be great, since the only ones I have anything for are Sayid and Michael, and Charlie of course. And Ana Lucia, but she's not even relevant now.

In case you don't know, the whole tabula rasa, blank slate thing is a tenet of the Enlightenment philosopher John Locke. I don't really know what the significance is of Island Locke's name, but I'd like to figure it out. And why Rousseau (a contemporary of Philosopher Locke) is also on the island. I do know that Rousseau's main thing was that he was all into the "natural man," he thought society and civilization were pretty much the sources of all evil. I'm just not sure if that has anything to do with Island Rousseau. Oh well.

Uh, I have other things to do, writing-wise, so I probably won't start work on Walkabout for a few weeks. I also have IB tests all May, and then GRADUATION! So yeah, don't be holding your breaths for an update. But I'll try.

If you review, I will reply (unless you'd rather I didn't). Altho I think I missed a couple reviews last chapter…sorry!


	4. Episode 4: Walkabout

Episode Four:  
Walkabout, _or_ In which Locke is revealed to actually be a pathetic boob

* * *

Scene opens at the SITE of the CRASH. JOHN LOCKE is LYING in the SAND. He WIGGLES his TOES. 

LOCKE: Hmm… Moses supposes his toses are roses, but Moses supposes…feloniously? No, no, that's not right, how does it go…

Scene cuts to the PRESENT-DAY ISLAND. VINCENT is BARKING. Suddenly, MONSTER NOISES emanate from the FUSELAGE.

CHARLIE: Another bloody monster!

HURLEY: Yeah, dude, this place is like…Monster Island.

JACK: No worries mates, it's obviously just Sawyer. He's just really uncoordinated, that's why he's making so much noise. He probably fell down and is now flailing about among all the cargo, like the pathetic jerk he is––

SAWYER: Hello.

JACK: Okay. Well. So. I was wrong. To make up for this, however, I will now venture bravely forth!

OTHER SURVIVORS, bearing FLASHLIGHTS, also advance towards the FUSELAGE.

JACK: I see…a pair of eyes…they are glowing ominously…it's a monster! Aieeee! Run away!

At this point, CHARLIE begins to SING.

CHARLIE: Brave Sir Jack he ran away, bravely ran away, away! When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled! Yes, brave Sir Jack he turned about, and gallantly he chickened out! Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat, bravest of the brave, Sir Jack!

SURVIVORS: Flee! Flee! Panic! Flee! We didn't actually see any monster, but if _Jack_ is afraid, then we must be bloody terrified!

LOCKE: _I'm_ not afraid, it's only boars, _I_ eat boar tusks for breakfast!

LOST

Scene opens upon the DARKENED BEACH where JACK, KATE, and SAYID are having a CONFERENCE. CHARLIE is there too, but NOBODY PAYS ATTENTION to him.

SAYID: Well, I'm here because I fix things, and Jack's here because he fixes people…but Kate, why are you here?

KATE: Because I'm friends with Jack, duh.

JACK: So I was thinking…and I decided that tomorrow night we're going to turn the fuselage into a fiery barbecue! Bwahahaha!

KATE: This is mildly disturbing.

SAYID: I think––

JACK: Nope, sorry, decision's made, no input from you!

KATE: And I think––

JACK: What did I just say? I'm right, you're wrong. And we're gonna do things _my_ way!

Jack LEAVES.

SAYID: I'm beginning to think Jack may have the secret soul of a controlling bastard.

KATE: What are you talking about? It's not a secret!

Scene cuts to the BEACH, the following MORNING. SAYID is doing something INCOMPREHENSIBLE with something that looks vaguely ELECTRONIC.

SAYID: I'm SMART!

KATE approaches and SITS DOWN next to Sayid.

SAYID: Hello Kate. I am angry with Jack but too well-mannered to bitch about it. And I will remain somewhat pissed off at him for most of the season.

KATE: Okay. What's that incomprehensible but vaguely electronic device you're fiddling with?

SAYID: It's a secret.

KATE: Gasp! I've figured out what it is with my brilliant mind! It's something to pick up the French woman's signal!

SAYID: Good job, Kate!

Sayid proceeds to DISCUSS things like ANTENNAE, POWER SOURCES, and TRIANGULATION. The IMPRESSION this gives is that Sayid is SMART.

KATE: I'll help you!

SAYID: Allow me to stare deeply into your eyes and deliver a meaningful statement.

KATE: I'll reciprocate with some meaningful gazing of my own.

Scene cuts to MICHAEL and WALT, who are GATHERING FIREWOOD with VINCENT.

WALT: I like Mr. Locke!

MICHAEL: Well, I don't. He's a child molest–– I mean, Walt, Mr. Locke is a busy man. He has to, um, build a shelter and, um, go to the toilet and…play backgammon. He just doesn't have time for you.

WALT: I hate you.

Scene cuts to HURLEY and SAWYER, who are FIGHTING amidst a cicle of ONLOOKERS.

SAWYER: I _always_ get a circle of onlookers. Must be 'cause I'm so hot.

JACK: Oh no, can't have anyone fighting on my watch. Break it up, kids, break it up.

SAWYER: I hate you.

Hurley and Sawyer begin to WHINE.

HURLEY: Sawyer's got peanuts and he won't share!

SAWYER: But they're _my_ peanuts, _mine_.

HURLEY: Ja-aack! Make him share with me!

SAYID: Now this is just pathetic.

HURLEY: Oh yeah, and all the food's gone. What? Stop looking at me!

SAYID: I can use big words! This further indicates my smartness!

A KNIFE suddenly hits the CHAIR by Sawyer's HEAD.

LOCKE: I can throw knives! Also I'm a boar expert, and I can use words like "scimitar" and "eviscerate"!

SAYID: Grr. Only _I_ am allowed to be so blatantly smart. I will now be slightly pissed off at Locke for most of the season.

MICHAEL: I still think Mr. Locke is a child molester. Or at least really, really creepy.

SAWYER: Ha! One little knife? So what if it almost impaled me! I scoff at its impotence.

LOCKE: Oh, no no no. I have not just one knife, not just two or three, not even one hundred or two hundred. Behold!

Locke opens his SUPER-DUPER KNIFE CASE!

LOCKE: Four _hundred_ knives!

HURLEY: I'm officially creeped out now.

Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. LOCKE, who is WORKING in a cubicle, picks up his PHONE. He engages in VAGUELY MILITARY-SOUNDING discussion.

AUDIENCE: Ooh…Locke is mysterious!

LOCKE'S BOSS RANDY: Could I be any more transparently evil?

AUDIENCE: Maybe Locke is a secret military spy! He's only _pretending_ to be an office drone!

Scene cuts to the ISLAND BEACH, where JACK and KATE have a CONVERSATION. The only PURPOSE of this conversation is to establish that KATE is going BOAR-HUNTING in order to SET UP an ANTENNA for the TRANSCEIVER. This, however, is NOT GOOD ENOUGH for Jack.

JACK: I must turn this into another Very Significant Moment!

KATE: Give it a rest already.

Scene cuts to ANOTHER PART of the BEACH, where MICHAEL does a lot of MIMING. The PURPOSE of this is to establish that Michael, for REASONS UNKNOWN, is also going BOAR-HUNTING.

MICHAEL: I'll just leave my kid with a non-English speaker, that's where he'll be safest.

SUN: Does this guy really think I can understand his gestures? Or is he just an idiot?

MICHAEL: After all, I _did_ see Sun half-naked. That obviously means she's the best baby-sitter.

SUN: I reply in Korean!

MICHAEL: Why are you trying to talk to me in Korean? I don't understand Korean.

SUN: And I don't understand English, you imbecile!

Scene cuts to JACK gathering FIREWOOD.

JACK: Don't I look manly. Especially with this nifty scarf wrapped around my neck.

SAWYER in a brief CAMEO: Ha. Metro.

CLAIRE: Jack! Jack! We need you to do everything for us because we are helpless!

JACK: Well… I mean, I'm perfectly willing to make all the decisions without listening to anyone else's opinion, but…being the _leader_? No thanks, that's just not me.

CLAIRE: Fine. We don't need you anyway. I'll do the memorial service at the barbecue all by my_self_.

BOONE is also GATHERING FIREWOOD.

GIRL IN A STRIPED BLUE SHIRT: Have you noticed how I'm always in the background showing off my stomach?

Boone NOTICES ROSE, who is SITTING BY HERSELF. He JOINS SHANNON, who is being USELESS.

BOONE: I'm a Jack wannabe!

AUDIENCE: That's just sad.

Boone tells SHANNON that she is USELESS and CANNOT CATCH a FISH.

SHANNON: Can _so_ catch a fish!

AUDIENCE: This is gonna be a _great_ B storyline.

Scene cuts to the JUNGLE, where LOCKE, KATE, and MICHAEL are TRACKING BOAR.

LOCKE: The ground is muddy and this tree is missing bark. That tells me a boar is nearby.

MICHAEL: It is obvious that I know absolutely nothing about boars or about hunting.

LOCKE: Why exactly did I pick these two to come with me?

Scene cuts to CHARLIE, in the TREES with his plastic baggie of LAUNDRY DETERGENT.

SHANNON: Hi, Charlie. Flirt flirt flirt!

CHARLIE: All right! I knew she couldn't ignore my short, hairy, hobbit-like charm for long! Color me irresistible!

SHANNON: So, Charlie (flirt flirt flirt), do you maybe know anything about fishing?

AUDIENCE: Oh god.

CHARLIE: I am amazingly, pathetically desperate. And not even in a cute way, either.

Scene cuts to the FUSELAGE, where JACK is presumably doing something HEROIC. BOONE APPROACHES on his HANDS and KNEES.

BOONE: Jack, I worship you. I fall down and lick your shoes in my abject––

JACK: Did you want something?

BOONE: Uh…that Rose lady seems kind of depressed. Maybe you could do something about it.

JACK: Aagh! Just because I make all the decisions, why does everyone expect me to be some sort of leader?

JACK attempts to TALK to ROSE. He is LAUGHABLY UNSUCCESSFUL.

JACK: I always thought bedside manner was overrated anyway. Just give me a scalpel and I'll cut 'em open.

Scene cuts to OUR INTREPID HUNTERS in the JUNGLE. KATE and MICHAEL have a LOVELY CHAT in which it is REITERATED ONCE AGAIN that MICHAEL has NO RELATIONSHIP with his SON.

MICHAEL: So, Kate, why were you in Australia?

KATE: Um… It was a very _innocent_ trip. Just your normal, _law-abiding_ sight-seeing.

LOCKE: Shhh. We must mime everything so the boar doesn't overhear our plans.

Suddenly, out of the underbrush, the BOAR ATTACKS!

BOAR: Yay! Evisceration time!

MICHAEL: Ow! Damn boar!

KATE RUSHES to MICHAEL. Meanwhile, LOCKE has FALLEN OVER. He LOOKS at his FEET. This of course TRIGGERS a FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.

LOCKE is playing RISK while eating LUNCH.

AUDIENCE: Oh.

RANDY: I will come in and flaunt my evilness!

Randy proceeds to TAUNT Locke.

RANDY: Ha ha, you're useless, you can't do anything. Oh yeah, and you're old and BALD!

LOCKE: I hate you.

LOCKE'S RISK-PLAYING FRIEND: Locke has a girlfriend! She has cooties!

AUDIENCE: Oh. Okay. So he isn't a _complete_ loser.

LOCKE: I will now deliver the line which will come to define my character.

RANDY: Whatever, I will still taunt you.

Back on the ISLAND, LOCKE is still LOOKING at his FEET.

LOCKE: Let's see… But Moses supposes matrimoniously?

KATE: Locke! Snap out of it! Help me out here! Michael's bleeding, you know.

LOCKE: Well, that doesn't surprise me, he's a wuss. Helen! HELEN HELEN HELEN!

KATE: Enh? Helen?

LOCKE: What? How do you know the name Helen?

KATE: Never mind. We've gotta go back.

LOCKE: No way. I know I said earlier about how I needed at least three people to catch a boar…but I've changed my mind, I can do it my_self_.

Locke MARCHES resolutely into the JUNGLE.

LOCKE: I may be old and bald, but I'm TOUGH, man.

Scene cuts to CHARLIE and HURLEY, who are FISHING in the OCEAN with a pointy STICK.

AUDIENCE: Oh boy.

CHARLIE: I'm a funny little guy!

HURLEY: I'm a funny fat guy!

CHARLIE: Slapstick! Slapstick!

HURLEY: We're so funny we're like a double act!

CHARLIE: Har har har!

HURLEY: "Charlie and Hurley: Lost on an Island"!

CHARLIE: Har har har!

HURLEY: Dude…would you stop saying that?

Scene cuts to various PEOPLE, going through the WRECKAGE. CLAIRE gives SAYID a special ENVELOPE with PICTURES of a WOMAN inside.

SAYID: Now that Locke's stolen my thunder as a genius…it's time to show my superhot sensitive side!

Sayid FONDLES the PICTURES.

SAYID: Stroke stroke. Pet pet. Covet covet.

Scene cuts to JACK and ROSE, sitting in the SAND.

JACK: You know, Rose, I have important hero things to do. I can't just sit here with you all day.

ROSE: I wuv my husband!

JACK: Well…good.

ROSE: And I wuv you too, Jack!

JACK: Well, everyone does.

ROSE: I think I'll erect an altar in your honor!

JACK: Aw, shucks.

Scene cuts to LOCKE, who is STRIDING through the JUNGLE. Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.

LOCKE is LYING on his BED in a dark, empty, lonely APARTMENT. He is on the PHONE with HELEN.

LOCKE: Wow, I sure told that Randy off. I told him about Norman Croucher and everything, and then, get this, I said, "Just don't tell me what I can't do." Yeah! I know, I sure told him! It felt so good to finally let myself go! I can just tell my life is going to be better after this!

HELEN: Blah blah great blah blah.

LOCKE: And I've got this really great date planned for the two of us. It's called a walkabout, we get to go to Australia and sleep on the ground and eat bugs and things!

HELEN: Well, John, that sounds really pleasant and romantic and everything…but I'm not allowed to meet clients.

AUDIENCE: Oh.

Locke proceeds to WHINE and WHIMPER and CRY.

LOCKE: I'm so depressed. Could my life _be_ any worse?

Scene cuts back to the ISLAND, where KATE is HELPING MICHAEL through the JUNGLE.

MICHAEL: My leg hurts.

KATE: If I strip, will it make you feel better?

MICHAEL: Uhh…yeah, probably.

KATE: Just kidding. I'm actually just getting ready to climb this tree and attach an antenna.

MICHAEL: Damn. I mean, I knew that. Ha ha.

Scene cuts to LOCKE, who is still STRIDING through the JUNGLE.

LOCKE: Here, boar. Here, boarie boarie boarie.

Back to KATE, who is CLIMBING, and MICHAEL, who is SITTING. Suddenly, the MONSTER NOISES begin, and some TREES begin to SHAKE. Kate is so TERRIFIED that she DROPS the ANTENNA, which BREAKS.

KATE: Well, even though Jack, Charlie, and I all escaped from the monster the other day…I'm going to assume that it ate Locke. Oh well. He was kind of weird anyway.

Back to LOCKE, who is now CREEPING toward the BOAR HIDEOUT. But then––the TREES in front of him begin to SHAKE and emit MONSTER NOISES!

LOCKE: I'm tough, I'm not gonna run away. I eat monster soup for lunch!

The CAMERA takes on the MONSTER POINT-OF-VIEW as it PEERS from behind the TREES.

LOCKE: Ooh…monster so preetty…

Scene cuts to the BEACH. SAWYER gives CLAIRE something that is presumably IMPORTANT.

SAWYER: This is just to show that I actually have a good heart. Just like Kate.

SUN and WALT are SITTING with VINCENT.

WALT: I'm learning Korean!

KATE and MICHAEL stumble from the JUNGLE.

WALT: Dad! Dad! You got hurt, so you're cool now!

SAWYER tries to be FUNNY. KATE is NOT in the MOOD.

WALT: Where's Mr. Locke? Where is he, Dad, huh? Is he coming behind you? Is he––

MICHAEL: Hey, ho, the child molester's dead! I mean–– Well, son, this might be a little difficult to explain… You see, when an old bald man goes out into the jungle alone, and there's a monster in the jungle…well, sometimes these things happen.

BOONE TALKS to SHANNON, who is as SELFISH as usual. CHARLIE approaches to GIVE her a FISH.

CHARLIE: Me and Hurley put on a comedy act, and the fish started laughing so hard they were just incapacitated. Yeah, there's a whole bunch of them on the beach down there, still laughing away.

Ignoring Charlie just like everyone else does, BOONE and SHANNON dissolve into their own little ARGUMENT.

CHARLIE: I'm beginning to think I've been a pawn. And it's rather depressing.

JACK and ROSE are still SITTING in the SAND.

JACK: Aaagh! How long do I have to stay here?

ROSE: It's okay, Jack, you don't have to keep your promise.

JACK: But Rose, I promised I'd never let you go.

ROSE: No…that was what _I_ promised.

In the distance, a CRUISE LINER is SINKING.

ROSE: By the way, my husband's still alive.

JACK: No, Rose. He's _dead_. That's what happens when you're in a plane crash. Everyone _dies_.

ROSE: I changed my mind about the altar…this guy is clearly an _idiot_.

JACK: Everyone who was in the tail is dead.

ANA LUCIA in a brief CAMEO: Everyone who was in the front is dead.

JACK: Allow me to have a quick hallucination.

Jack SEES a mysterious FIGURE.

MUSIC: Twilight Zone!

SAYID is, once again, seen with something ELECTRONIC. Or at least, with a lot of WIRES in. KATE APPROACHES with the BROKEN ANTENNA.

KATE: Heh heh, sorry about that.

SAYID: No, no, it's fine, I'll just throw it to the ground in an unconvincing bout of rage.

KATE: Sayid! Calm down! Let's just stare at each other meaningfully, it'll be all right.

SAYID: Well…okay.

JACK: Hey, hey, what's going on here? Kate, I told you no bonding with Iraqis allowed!

SAYID: Oh no, it's _Jack._ I refuse to be seen in his company.

Sayid DASHES AWAY.

KATE: It's okay Jack, maybe Sayid hates you, but––

JACK: What are you talking about? Everyone loves me!

KATE: Oh…right.

JACK: Hey! The scratches on _your_ face match the scratches on _my_ face! We are clearly island soulmates.

KATE: Uh, yeah. Well, anyway, that bald guy…I think he's kinda dead.

JACK: This upsets me greatly even though I met him only this morning and thought he was weird even then.

Once again Jack SEES the mysterious FIGURE. He RACES toward it!

LOCKE: Hey guys. I'm alive after all! And I brought supper!

JACK: Cool. You're just in time for the barbecue.

Scene cuts to the BARBECUE of the FUSELAGE.

CLAIRE: Connecting flight…corrective lenses…gee this is really meaningful.

KATE: I'm sad because Jack's not here. Sigh.

CHARLIE: I'm here!

KATE: What? Oh, it's just Charlie.

CHARLIE: I'm getting more depressed by the minute.

LOCKE and MICHAEL are also WATCHING the BARBECUE.

MICHAEL: I now like Locke again. But not for long, 'cause secretly I still think he's a child molester.

LOCKE: I didn't see any monster! Nope nope nope, no monster at all.

Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. LOCKE is TALKING to an AUSTRALIAN GUY behind a DESK.

AUSTRALIAN GUY: I'm sorry, Mr. Locke, but you're basically a failure.

LOCKE: What? No, I'm not. I work in a box company, so that's really cool, and, uh, my phone-sex operator left me, and…

Locke BURSTS into TEARS.

LOCKE: Okay, I have a terrible life. So just please, _please_ let me go on this walkabout!

AUSTRALIAN GUY: Sorry, no. You're just not suitable.

LOCKE: Pretty please with a cherry on top?

AUSTRALIAN GUY: Sorry, Mr. Locke…you just can't do it. CAN'T CAN'T CAN'T.

The Australian guy LEAVES. LOCKE has a SEMI-BREAKDOWN.

LOCKE: If I just YELL REALLY LOUD, they'll _have _to let me on the bus!

As the CAMERA MOVES around the DESK, it is REVEALED that Locke is in a WHEELCHAIR!

LOCKE: How many times can I use the word destiny in one forty-minute episode? A lot, it turns out.

On the ISLAND, after the CRASH, Locke PUTS ON his SHOES and GETS UP.

LOCKE: I guess it's a little weird that I'm smiling in the middle of a plane crash…but what the hell, I can _walk_! I'm a real boy!

Scene cuts to the PRESENT-DAY ISLAND. LOCKE SMILES at his old WHEELCHAIR.

LOCKE: And again with the smiling at an inopportune moment. Oh well.

AUDIENCE: If we didn't know you were so pathetic, we might still think you were creepy.

LOST

* * *

AN: Well, I thought this chapter was kind of meh...just not that good. Kind of like when Kate kissed Jack, actually... 

But that is neither here nor there. The good news is that once I actually started working on this, it only took me about two days to finish. So we can maybe expect faster updates for the rest of the summer.

You can probably guess that Jack and Boone are among my least-favorite characters. And I'm not too fond of Locke, either. Although at least HE'S interesting. Oh yeah, and here's a disclaimer.

Disclaimer: Neither the premise, setting, nor characters of Lost belong to me. Although I would really like to own Sayid. Or at least his hair.

ETA: The OBVIOUS, OBVIOUS Titanic reference! Can't believe I missed that one. I was just re-reading this in preparation for starting on White Rabbit, and it was like, Jack and Rose, duh!


	5. Episode 5: White Rabbit

Episode Five:  
White Rabbit, _or_ In which Jack sees dead people and thinks he is Superman

* * *

Scene opens on an EYE. It is YOUNG JACK'S eye. Young Jack is on the GROUND, WATCHING as some MEAN KIDS beat up a SMALL RUNTY KID. 

MEAN KID #1: Grrr.

MEAN KID #2: Grrr.

SMALL RUNTY KID: Whimper.

YOUNG JACK: I can't resist a wordless plea for help.

Young Jack GETS UP, and is promptly PUNCHED.

YOUNG JACK: I became addicted to heroism at a very young age.

CHARLIE in a brief CAMEO: Me too! …Wait. What did you say?

Back on the ISLAND, GROWN-UP JACK is SITTING on the BEACH. CHARLIE comes RUNNING up.

CHARLIE: Jack! We need you! Someone is drowning, and we are all helpless!

JACK: Well, I never could resist a panicked cry for help. Let me just rip off my shirt first.

FANGIRLS: Jack, please. That's really not necessary.

Jack PLUNGES into the WATER and STRIKES OUT with his MANLY MAN ARMS. He reaches the DROWNING PERSON, but must DIVE UNDERWATER to FIND them.

BOONE: Do you have a pen?

It is Boone, the LICENSED LIFEGUARD. Oh, the IRONY.

BOONE: It only took you about ten seconds to swim out here, but that same distance completely exhausted me.

JACK: That's because you're not a hero. You don't have my manly man arms.

BOONE: By the way…there's someone still out there. Drowning.

JACK: Damn.

After a moment of clearly agonizing INDECISION, Jack RETURNS to shore with BOONE, then SWIMS OUT AGAIN.

On the BEACH, the other survivors are WATCHING.

HURLEY: So…none of you guys can swim? Sayid?

SAYID: Nope.

HURLEY: Locke?

LOCKE: 'Fraid not.

HURLEY: Michael?

MICHAEL: Nuh-uh.

HURLEY: Chinese guy?

JIN: …

HURLEY: Sawyer?

SAWYER: Only skinny-dippin'.

HURLEY: Walt?

WALT: I need water wings.

HURLEY: …Charlie?

ALL survivors burst out LAUGHING.

HURLEY: Yeah…that was a stupid question.

LOST

Scene opens on BOONE, sitting on the BEACH looking TROUBLED.

BOONE: Should I put a shirt on? Nah.

JACK is nearby. Boone gives him a BALEFUL STARE OF DOOOOM. KATE approaches.

JACK: I'm so upset, Kate, I'm a failure. Boo-hoo-hoo.

KATE: No, Jack, you're a _hero_. Never forget that.

JACK: …Are we having another Moment?

KATE: God I hope not.

JACK: In that case I'll just engage in some more self-flagellation.

Jack SEES a mysterious FIGURE in the WATER.

JACK: This is getting annoying.

KATE: Um, Jack? I think you're hallucinating.

JACK: Wha––?

KATE: Hallucinating. You know, seeing things that aren't really there?

JACK: Oh, okay, yeah, you're right. I guess those little pink bunnies running around were kind of a clue. Well, see ya.

KATE: I am now very worried about Jack, and I will show it by looking troubled.

Scene cuts to MICHAEL and WALT standing by the OCEAN. Walt is BRUSHING his TEETH with a PLANT.

MICHAEL: Who gave you that plant, Walt? Was it Mr. Locke? Is it some sort of secret child molester toothpaste plant?

WALT: Um, no.

MICHAEL: Well, okay then. Oh, and don't drink the ocean.

WALT: Why not?

MICHAEL: Hm…it'll take too much time and effort to explain that the ocean has salt in it, so I'll just yell at him instead. Hey, I think I'm getting pretty good at this father-son thing!

SUN is WATCHING Michael and Walt. JIN approaches.

JIN: Tsk, tsk, Sun, I warned you about taking better care of yourself. Couldn't you find any ChapStick?

SUN: When will someone tell us what to do?

JIN: Oh, I dunno, maybe when they learn Korean?

SHANNON walks by and TALKS to SAWYER.

SAWYER: Allow me to be blatantly lascivious.

SHANNON: I don't know what that means, so I'll just get pissed and stalk off.

SAWYER: And the purpose of _this_ scene was to show that I am not just a secretly good-hearted redneck jerk with dimples, but a secretly good-hearted _horny_ redneck jerk with dimples.

KATE is RUMMAGING through various pieces of LUGGAGE. CLAIRE approaches.

CLAIRE: So apparently there aren't any hairbrushes here. That means this whole plane crash thing must be some sort of dire conspiracy. Oh yeah, and by the way… I'M PREGNANT!

Claire TALKS about ASTROLOGY.

CLAIRE: So _next_ Monday, you are likely to develop a cough, owing to the unlikely conjunction of Mars and Jupiter. And on Tuesday, you'll be stabbed in the back by someone you thought was a friend, because Venus is in the twelfth house.

KATE: That's really, um…nice, Claire.

JACK is presumably doing something HEROIC. HURLEY approaches.

HURLEY: Dude…we need you.

JACK: Not _again_! I just don't understand why everyone is expecting me to be the leader!

HURLEY: This is all the water we have left.

CHARLIE: And we can't drink from the ocean, because Michael said so.

HURLEY: And it's not like we get any sudden, intense rainshowers here on this tropical island.

CHARLIE: So what do we do, Jack, huh, what do we do?

HURLEY: Yeah, Jack, what do we do?

CHARLIE: What do we do?

HURLEY: What do we _do_?

JACK: I'm surrounded by incompetence!

HURLEY: Actually, dude, you're surrounded by the comic relief.

CHARLIE: Yeah, man. We're a double act!

HURLEY: "Charlie and Hurley: Lost on an Island"!

JACK: I'm much too angst-ridden to laugh. Ever.

Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. Jack's dad CHRISTIAN is SITTING, holding an ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE.

ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE: I'm an example of foreshadowing!

CHRISTIAN: Let me make this very clear, Jack… You're a failure.

YOUNG JACK bursts into TEARS.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, don't be such a wuss. Me, now, I'm _not_ a failure. I'm a success. Do you want to know _why_ I'm a success, Jack?

YOUNG JACK: Why?

CHRISTIAN: Because I don't care when people die! That's right, I'm a cold, heartless monster. And that's what you should aspire to be, too.

YOUNG JACK: But…but I want to be a hero! Like Superman!

CHRISTIAN: Well, can you _fly_?

YOUNG JACK: No…

CHRISTIAN: Do you have the Superman outfit?

YOUNG JACK: No…

CHRISTIAN: Is your name Clark Kent?

YOUNG JACK: I could get my name changed…

And that's how YOUNG JACK SHEPHARD became SUPERMAN.

Back on the ISLAND, JACK looks TROUBLED.

JACK: I have Daddy issues. I know, it's not quite as interesting as being a fugitive, but it's all I've got.

BOONE approaches.

BOONE: I'm pissed at you for saving my life.

JACK: Boone, you are even more useless than Charlie, and man, is that saying something.

BOONE: You know I wasn't really drowning. I was underwater because I saw a pretty fishy, okay?

JACK: Right.

BOONE: You know I'm a hero too!

JACK: Yeah. The useless prettyboy hero.

BOONE: I run a company, you know! Okay, so it's actually part of a company owned by my mom, and it's a wedding company, but I'm still very authoritative and manly!

JACK: Uh-huh.

BOONE: Grr. I am very angry at Jack, and this will prompt me to do something stupid in order to prove that I really _am_ a hero.

JACK: Whatever, kid. I really don't care what you have to say, so I'll just hallucinate some more.

BOONE: Grr. This makes me even _more_ angry.

JACK proceeds to RUN down the BEACH toward the mysterious FIGURE.

REDSHIRTS: There goes Jack. He must be doing something heroic.

JACK: I'm SUPERMAN! Dunh-duh-duh!

Jack enters the JUNGLE, where the FIGURE is STANDING. Jack reaches out to TOUCH him, but the figure TURNS AROUND and Jack FALLS OVER.

JACK: Why am _I_ falling over? That's Charlie's job!

FIGURE: Surprise! It's me! Christian! Your father!

JACK: I really didn't see this coming.

CHRISTIAN: I'm obviously much older than the flashback dad, because my hair is gray. And now I'll just saunter mysteriously off into the jungle. See ya, kiddo.

Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. JACK and JACK'S MOM are TALKING.

JACK'S MOM: Do you wanna know what Jack did? He drove away all of Christian's friends!

JACK: Hey, it's not _my_ fault they liked me more than him. Everyone likes me!

JACK'S MOM: You must go find your father and bring him back home, Jack!

JACK: But I don't wanna!

JACK'S MOM: Too bad. I've packed you a nice lunch, now off you go.

JACK: Well, I could never resist Mommy's orders. But I am still upset. Emote, emote, emote!

JACK'S MOM: Oh, stop that. Don't be such a wuss. And go shave!

JACK: No!

Back on the ISLAND, CLAIRE has FAINTED.

CLAIRE: It's because I'm PREGNANT!

KATE: Well, Jack's not here, but I've observed him in action enough that I know exactly what to do. WATER!

CHARLIE: Um, yeah, that's kind of a problem, 'cause the water's gone.

KATE: Oh, Charlie, can't you even find the water bottles?

CHARLIE: No, really, they're gone! I'm not just being useless!

The BIG THREE have a MEETING.

SAYID: Well, I'm here because I fix things…

LOCKE: And I'm here because I kill things… But why are _you_ here, Kate?

KATE: Didn't we go through this already? It's because I'm _friends_ with_ Jack_, the _hero_.

LOCKE: Where _is_ Jack?

KATE: I don't know, he's off having hallucinations.

SAYID: Yeah, I saw him running along the beach a little while ago, yelling "I'm SUPERMAN!"

KATE: Oh no. It's worse than I thought.

LOCKE: Well, I'm off to find water. Don't worry, the island will tell me where to look.

Scene cuts to JACK, who is RUNNING WILDLY through the JUNGLE and YELLING.

JACK: Well, there are a few monsters in the jungle, not to mention murderous bears and boars, but I don't care! I'll yell just as loudly as I want!

Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. JACK is in a HOTEL ROOM in AUSTRALIA with a HOTEL GUY.

HOTEL GUY: Yeah, we don't know where your father is, but he's pretty sloshed.

JACK: What?

HOTEL GUY: Sloshed. Pissed. Smashed. Inebriated.

JACK: What?

HOTEL GUY: _Drunk_.

JACK: That's a grave insult! My father is a doctor!

HOTEL GUY: I feel sorry for his patients. I imagine it's pretty easy to confuse a spleen with a kidney when one is intoxicated.

JACK: I wouldn't know.

Back on the ISLAND, JACK is still RUNNING like a CRAZY person.

JACK: I look pale and sickly like Elijah Wood.

CHRISTIAN: Psst, Jack! I'm over here!

Jack takes off RUNNING after Christian.

CHRISTIAN: Muahaha, little does he know I'm leading him to a little place I like to call…the Suicide Cliff!

JACK: Wait! I need you to help me solve a criiiiiime…!

In MID-SCREAM, Jack ROLLS down a HILL and FALLS off a CLIFF.

JACK: Why am I suddenly channeling Charlie?

Luckily, he manages to GRAB onto something and STOP his DESCENT. He KICKS his LEGS futilely.

JACK: My life is flashing before my eyes! And I'm realizing that I cried a lot.

A HAND reaches over the EDGE of the cliff.

JACK: A disembodied hand! I must be hallucinating again.

The hand belongs to LOCKE. Locke PULLS JACK over the EDGE of the cliff.

LOCKE: _Now_ who's the hero?

JACK: Only _I_ am allowed to have superhuman strength. I really don't like this John Locke character.

Jack and Locke have a MOMENT. Then JACK begins to LAUGH in a CREEPY way.

JACK: Tee hee turncoat!

Scene cuts to the INFIRMARY TENT, where CLAIRE is. CHARLIE approaches with WATER.

CHARLIE: I think I've found my niche! Being a nurse!

CLAIRE: Jack? Jack? Jack? Jack?

CHARLIE: Oh, that's right, it's all about Jack… I wish he would bloody well get trapped in a cave-in already.

CLAIRE: Sigh. Angst pregnant pregnant angst.

CHARLIE: But I'm not just any nurse, I'm a comedy nurse!

CLAIRE: Oh, Charlie, you're _so_ funny.

CHARLIE: Hang on, let me get Hurley in here, we can do our act for you!

CLAIRE: No thanks, let's have a Moment instead.

CHARLIE: All _right_! Finally!

KATE and SAYID are having another CONFERENCE.

KATE: Sayid, I already told you, you can't brush my hair because Jack––

HURLEY approaches.

HURLEY: Dudes…that Chinese woman has an empty water bottle.

KATE: Gasp!

SAYID: Well, she must be the culprit then!

He INTERROGATES SUN.

SAYID: Where'd you get the water? Where'd you get the water? Where'd you get the water?

KATE: What, you think if you repeat yourself enough times she'll suddenly understand? Don't be stupid, Sayid.

SAYID: I'm not _stupid_, I'm a _genius_. In fact, I'm _such_ a genius that I have a feeling she actually understands English. I can see it in the whites of her eyes.

SUN: Well, you're wrong. Completely wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. I've never spoken a word of English in my life. I don't even––

JIN: Hey! Are you looking at my wife?

KATE: Where'd you get the water? Where'd you get the water? Where'd you get the water?

SAYID: Good idea Kate, maybe if you repeat yourself enough times––

KATE: Oh, shut up.

JIN: Um, I don't know what's going on, so maybe if I just point at Sawyer everyone will go away.

KATE: Oh, that Sawyer. I'll just go over there and––

SAYID: No. You must listen to me, I'm the genius here, and Sawyer's a rat.

KATE: Um, do you have to lean that close to me?

SAYID: Yes, I don't want the non-English speakers to overhear–– Oh, fine, I just wanted to smell your hair.

KATE: You have a problem, Sayid.

Kate and Sayid WALK AWAY.

JIN: It worked! And what a crazy foreign man, thinking you could understand English.

SUN: Yep. Crazy crazy crazy.

Scene cuts to SAWYER, the RAT, sneaking through the JUNGLE to his HOLE. KATE and SAYID are FOLLOWING sneakily.

KATE: I get to tackle Sawyer!

SAYID: What?

KATE: Um, I mean, oh darn, do I really have to _touch_ him?

SAYID: Actually, I was thinking that _I_ could grab him––

KATE: I understand completely, I'm the one who has to do it.

SAYID: Actually, that's not what I––

Kate TACKLES Sawyer.

KATE: You disgust me, Sawyer. I hate being in contact with you.

Sawyer engages in SEXUAL BANTER.

SAWYER: Just to emphasize how dirty-minded and horny I really am.

Sawyer suddenly TURNS the TABLES on Kate.

SAWYER: That's a neat trick, huh? I've used it many a time.

SAYID: I think I'll wait a little longer before I help her out. I want to see where this is going.

KATE: Sawyer, you disgust me. I am outraged at your behavior. Get off me this instant.

Kate PRETENDS to STRUGGLE.

KATE: Oh, I'm a poor helpless female.

Sayid HAULS Sawyer up.

SAYID: You had water! The water has been stolen! Thus, you must have stolen the water!

SAWYER: For a genius you ain't that smart, you know that? It rains kind of frequently around here…or hadn't you noticed?

SAYID: Remember that orange I gave you a few episodes ago? I wish I could take that orange back!

SAWYER: Yeah, whatever, Insert Generic Middle Eastern Name Here.

SAYID: I will glare at Kate, because somehow I'm sure this is all her fault.

Sayid STORMS OFF angrily.

SAWYER: Hey Kate, I got a little present for ya. Remember that Marshal guy who was taking you back to the States, and then he got a chunk of metal in his side, and then I tried to kill him and missed, and then Jack had to do it instead?

KATE: It rings a vague bell, yes.

SAWYER: Well, here's his badge. And now I will call you the worst insult of all possible insults… _Sheriff_!

Kate STAGGERS back.

KATE: You cut me deep, Sawyer. You cut me real deep just now.

Scene cuts to JACK and LOCKE in the JUNGLE.

LOCKE: Everyone needs you, Jack.

JACK: Oh no, no, making all the decisions and telling everyone what to do just isn't my thing.

LOCKE: Uh…right. Well, I think you should be the leader. Although later I'm going to resent your controlling attitude and immense ego.

JACK: But I just can't be the leader!

LOCKE: Why not?

JACK: Boo-hoo!

LOCKE: Oh yeah, it's so your character can whine and go through a lame personal crisis…

JACK: You just don't understand, John! Nobody understands me!

LOCKE: Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you have some tragic backstory that explains your fear of failure.

JACK: You don't underst–– Well, okay, yeah, that's pretty much right, but… I'm also _crazy_!

LOCKE: Crazy.

Jack seems PROUD.

JACK: Yep.

LOCKE: Well then, you can't be crazy, because crazy people think they're sane. I, of course, am perfectly sane.

JACK: Uh-huh.

LOCKE: So, Jack, why do you think you're crazy?

JACK: Well, uh…don't laugh…it's like… _I see dead people_.

LOCKE: Like the freaky little kid from _The Sixth Sense_?

JACK: No, _not_ like him, like Frank Taylor.

LOCKE: Like who?

JACK: Never mind. I also think I'm Superman, but that doesn't mean I'm crazy, 'cause I really _am_ Superman.

LOCKE: Of _course_ you are, Jack.

JACK: Anyway, I'm probably just hallucinating because I haven't slept in so long, and I'm _tired_, and I want my teddy bear.

LOCKE: Well, it could be that. _Or_…

JACK: What?

LOCKE: Well, Jack, I don't believe in magic at all. Not one bit. Or in things like fate and destiny. But let me tell you, this island is magic, and it's our destiny to be here.

JACK: But I thought you just said you didn't belie––

LOCKE: Now pay attention, because I'm going to tell you something very, very significant.

JACK: Okay.

LOCKE: What if everything that happened here ……………………………………………………………

…………………………………

JACK: Enough with the dramatic pause already, get on with it!

LOCKE: ………………………………happened for a reason?

JACK: Right…

LOCKE: So, I think your hallucination is real, and when you finally reach whatever it is you're chasing, there'll be a flash of blinding light and the sky will open up and a chorus of angels will sing and you'll grow wings and fly away.

JACK: And you live in the real world, you say?

LOCKE: Yep.

JACK: You don't believe in supernatural things?

LOCKE: Nope, not at all.

JACK: And you're completely sane?

LOCKE: Completely.

JACK: Right…

LOCKE: Oh yeah, and I saw the monster too. You think Kate's hot? Let me tell you, she don't got _nothin'_ on that monster.

JACK: Well, I'm a little creeped out now, so, I think I'm gonna, uh, leave…

LOCKE: I'll just deliver one last wise-sounding, vague, and possibly significant statement in farewell.

JACK: …You're weird.

Scene cuts to LATER, as JACK sits by a FIRE in the DARK. FLASHBACK SEQUENCE is initiated. Jack appears to be in a MORGUE, with a MORGUE GUY.

MORGUE GUY: Yeah, so we found this old, ugly drunk in an alley and we thought he might be your father. The family resemblance is really quite striking, by the way.

JACK: Thanks…

MORGUE GUY: Of course your father is a _bit_ more attractive than you, but don't worry, death does that to people. I'm sure your own looks will improve when you are dead.

JACK: Um…could I just see the body?

MORGUE GUY: Oh, right, sure, here we are.

He UNZIPS the BODY BAG, and sure enough, CHRISTIAN is within.

JACK: I may have had Daddy issues, but…but… I love you, Dad! Sob, sob, sob.

CHRISTIAN: You're dripping snot on me.

Back on the ISLAND, JACK CRIES. AGAIN. Then he hears a NOISE.

CHRISTIAN: Son, I've resurrected myself to tell you to stop sniveling and be a man for once in your pathetic, wussified life.

JACK: I…can't…

Jack takes a STICK from the FIRE. Somehow, the stick BURNS PERFECTLY.

STICK: I'm MAGIC!

Jack then FOLLOWS the noise to a STREAM.

JACK: Heyy…water! I found it! Yay me!

Then, Jack notices a DOLL BABY.

JACK: Well, it's not quite my teddy bear, but it's close enough.

Then, Jack notices LUGGAGE from the PLANE all around him.

JACK: Yep, that's why they call me Mr. Observant.

Then, Jack notices a COFFIN. Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. Jack is in the AIRPORT, talking to an AIRPORT LADY.

JACK: If I just cry and look pathetic and desperate enough, she'll _have_ to break airline regulations and put the body on the plane! She won't be able to resist my sensitive yet manly attractiveness!

AIRPORT LADY: Sir…you're dripping snot on the counter.

Back on the ISLAND, JACK stares at the COFFIN. And CRIES. AGAIN. Then he OPENS the coffin.

COFFIN: And I'm…empty!

AUDIENCE: Okay, well, Jack's dad is clearly Jesus.

JACK: How dare my father upstage me by being Jesus! This makes me so angry that I will grab the ax that is just conveniently sitting on the ground and reduce this coffin to matchwood. Using my manly man arms.

Scene cuts to the BEACH. A disembodied HAND gives WATER to CLAIRE.

CLAIRE: Yum!

The HAND belongs to BOONE.

CHARLIE: Hey! I've been lurking in the shadows watching Claire sleep–– I mean, standing guard _while_ she sleeps, and––you water thief!

BOONE: This is my _second_ attempt at being useful but actually just ending up looking like more of an idiot! Don't worry, there's more to come!

SAYID: I can't decide who to beat up, Charlie or Boone. Oh, the possibilities.

Suddenly, JACK appears just in the NICK of TIME.

JACK: Yeah, I've got good timing like that. Must come from being Superman and all.

EVERYONE LISTENS as Jack begins a REHEARSED-SOUNDING SPEECH on an unrelated TANGENT.

JACK: Important news, everyone… I have overcome my personal crisis and decided to be your leader after all! I know, I know, try to contain yourselves, I don't need any applause.

SAYID: Shouldn't we be a democracy?

JACK: Right, exactly. And "democracy" means "everyone is bossed around by Jack."

SAYID: Actually, it means––

JACK: Yeah, whatever. Anyway, guys, we're stuck on an island, and, well, we're basically just stuck here for a while, so we shouldn't fight because fighting is bad.

SAYID: I am seriously starting to resent this guy.

SAWYER: Looks like we got somethin' in common, Insert Generic Middle Eastern Name Here.

SAYID: Yeah, well…I still want that orange back.

ALL survivors get WATER.

JIN: I take care of my wife, because I am good husband. Can't have her lips getting chapped.

BOONE: Everyone hates me. Boo-hoo.

SAWYER: Oh dear, I can't have that. Better start plotting how to make everyone hate me again instead.

KATE: I bring Jack water, the giver of life. This is very symbolic.

JACK: Can we have a Moment?

KATE: No.

JACK: Pleeease?

KATE: No.

JACK: Did Sayid touch your hair?

KATE: No, he didn't.

JACK: Then why won't you have a Moment with me-ee?

KATE: _Fine_. Just stop whining.

LOST

* * *

AN: I don't think I've ever updated anything in less than a week before. Like, _ever_. And I thought this one was pretty good, best so far. Probably because of all the ridiculously easy Jack-bashing.

I guess I should be able to get House of the Rising Sun up in about a week, too. Unless something untoward happens, like I suddenly get a social life.

Oh, I heart summer. I get to spend all day reading Lost fanfiction, writing Lost fanfiction, and hanging out on Lost message boards. Not that I'm obsessed with Lost or anything. Far from it. My other interest is, um...rock collecting. Yeah. That takes up a lot of my time too.

Disclaimer: Still not mine. Still wish it were. Especially Sayid. Mmm...Sayid.


	6. Episode 6: House of the Rising Sun

Episode Six:  
House of the Rising Sun, _or_ In which there is a schism on the island, and did we mention Sun speaks English?

* * *

Scene opens on a KOREAN EYE. It is SUN'S eye. 

SUN: Yep, this means most of the episode is gonna be subtitled. Enjoy your reading!

Sun is SMELLING FLOWERS. JIN is CATCHING FISH. Elsewhere on the beach, KATE and JACK are FLIRTING.

KATE: Banter banter, flirt flirt flirt, lean really close to Jack.

JACK: The fact that I have tattoos is an indication of a mysterious and possibly dark past, that will probably be brought out in later seasons to make me seem more tough and not so much of a wuss.

CHARLIE: I'm depressed. The only girl interested in me is pregnant.

LOCKE: I shave with a knife. This makes me extremely tough and cool.

KATE: Let's stop narrating our own actions and get out of here, 'kay?

CHARLIE: But if we don't narrate our own actions, how will anyone know what's happening?

Jack, Kate, Charlie, and Locke HEAD OFF to the CAVES.

GIRL IN A STRIPED BLUE SHIRT: Here I am again! All my shirts got shrunk in the plane crash!

JIN has STOPPED FISHING and begins to KILL the FISH.

JIN: Whack-a-Fish! Whack-a-Fish! It's kind of like Whack-a-Mole, only more fun!

SUN is DISTURBED by her husband's WHACK-A-FISH actions. So she has a FLASHBACK. She is at a PARTY.

SUN: I'm at a party!

JIN: I'm a waiter!

SUN: I'm having a clandestine affair with a waiter!

SUN'S FRIENDS: You're having an affair with a waiter?

SUN: Shh, it's clandestine.

SUN'S FRIEND #1: Clandestine? What's that mean?

SUN'S FRIEND #2: It means lots of sex.

SUN'S FRIEND #1: Ohhh.

SUN: My friends are stupid.

SUN'S FRIENDS: What?

SUN: Nothing.

Sun MEETS Jin in a SECRET ROOM.

JIN: Your dad's busy. Let's go have clandestine sex.

SUN: Okay! In fact, let's go to America so our sex can be _really_ clandestine.

JIN: Never mind. Here's a flower. Let's get married.

SUN: Okay.

JIN: Good. Now we can make out.

SUN: Clandestinely?

JIN: Always.

Back on the ISLAND, JIN runs down the beach and begins PUMMELLING MICHAEL.

JIN: Whack-a-Michael! Whack-a-Michael! This is even more fun than Whack-a-Fish!

WALT: Hysterical English yelling!

SUN: Hysterical Korean yelling!

LOST

Scene opens on JIN PUMMELLING MICHAEL.

SURVIVORS: Well, Jack's not here to tell us what to do. Let's just watch.

SAYID: Bah! I don't need Jack to boss me around!

SAWYER: Me neither!

Sayid and Sawyer RACE to Michael's RESCUE.

SAYID: Sawyer! Give me the handcuffs you have been carrying around in your pocket!

SAWYER: Oka–– Wait, hold on a tic. How do you know I'm carrying around handcuffs?

SAYID: I felt them earlier when–– Never mind, just give them to me!

SAWYER: Fine.

SAYID: We'll lock the Korean guy up with handcuffs we don't have the key to! I'm a genius!

He LOCKS Jin to a piece of the WRECKAGE.

SAYID: Michael. What happened?

MICHAEL: No, I want to hear more about how you knew Sawyer was carrying handcuffs.

WALT: Mr. Sawyer, did you know your shirt's on inside-out?

SAWYER: Shut it, kid.

Scene cuts to the JUNGLE, where JACK, KATE, LOCKE, and CHARLIE are TREKKING.

JACK: Good thing I'm so good at finding my way through the jungle at night, or I might not have been able to lead you back here.

KATE: Oh Jack, I _adore_ you.

JACK: I know.

They ARRIVE at the CAVES.

LOCKE: Nifty.

CHARLIE: Um…we should, uh…maybe, like…go…through…the wreckage?

LOCKE: Good idea.

CHARLIE: I actually said something…smart?

He DIES in SHOCK. NO ONE takes any NOTICE. Jack, Kate, and Locke begin FILLING BOTTLES with WATER.

KATE: Hey, Charlie's lying on the ground over there…do you think everything's all right?

JACK: Probably just napping.

LOCKE: I'm sure he'd let us know if anything were wrong.

They go on FILLING BOTTLES. Feeling DISGRUNTLED, Charlie RESURRECTS himself.

CHARLIE: Even when I bloody _die_ I don't get any attention around here. I'm so depressed. I need some drugs.

Charlie SNEAKS into the JUNGLE and gets out his LAUNDRY DETERGENT.

LOCKE: You're standing on a beehive.

CHARLIE: Great! Now I can't even get to my drugs without my Useless Sidekick complex interfering! I hate this bloody island!

LOCKE: Oh, stop whining.

Locke LEAVES.

CHARLIE: Uh…John? Jack? Kate? Where are you guys? I could use some help here…

Back at the CAVES…

KATE: I have a funny feeling there was someone else with us…who was it?

JACK: Now that you mention it, I do have some vague memories of a short, furry, hobbit-like creature…

LOCKE: Oh, you mean what's-his-name. Yeah, he's trapped on a beehive.

KATE: Oh. Maybe we should go help him out.

JACK: Enh. Later.

Scene cuts to the BEACH, where SAYID is QUESTIONING MICHAEL.

SAYID: I simply don't understand why the Korean man would attack you. Therefore, it must be your fault.

MICHAEL: He clearly attacked me because he suddenly realized his burning hatred of African-Americans. Now in the spirit of not being prejudiced, I will make fun of the way you talk!

SUN: It's the watch…it's because of the watch…

SAYID: Hmm. It is quite the mystery.

SUN: His watch…

SAYID: If only someone could tell us what the problem is.

SUN: IT'S THE WATCH, DAMMIT!

SAYID: I say the Korean man stays chained up!

SAWYER: Seeing as we don't have keys to the cuffs, that seems like pretty much the only option, don't it?

SAYID: You shut up! Jack's not here! I'm in charge!

Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. A long-haired SUN is standing OUTSIDE. JIN approaches.

JIN: Good news, babe. We're gettin' hitched!

SUN: Yay!

JIN: Only catch is, I work for your daddy and become a thug!

SUN: Yay! ––Wait. What?

JIN: Never mind. Here's a diamond ring. Now let's embrace.

SUN: Clandestinely?

JIN: Not anymore!

Back on the ISLAND, CHARLIE is still stuck on the BEEHIVE. LOCKE, JACK, and KATE have FINALLY decided to come RESCUE him.

CHARLIE: Uh, guys? My legs are starting to cramp. I've been standing here for over an hour, you know.

LOCKE: Don't worry, Chuckie.

CHARLIE: Charlie.

JACK: I'm just gonna use my Superman skills to put a suitcase over this beehive, so the bees can't get out and sting you.

CHARLIE: Yeah? What're you gonna do about the bees all over my _face_, then, huh, Superman?

LOCKE: No need to be rude, Chaz, we're only trying to help.

CHARLIE: Gah! I am so angry and depressed I'm going to throw a temper-tantrum and jump up and down and––

BEES: Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

CHARLIE: Oops.

JACK: Bees! Aieeee! Run away!

The four RUN AWAY.

KATE: My shirt's got bees in, better take it off!

JACK: Me too!

FANGIRLS: NOOOOOO!

JACK: I'm such a manly man! I swat you, bees! Swat, swat!

Then KATE FINDS some BODIES.

KATE: Hey, Jack, I found bodies!

JACK: Hmm…well, using my Super Doctorman Skills, I deduce that this body's name was Earl, he died of an embolism twelve years ago. And this body's name was Jeremy, he died of blood poisoning eleven years and three hundred and two days ago.

KATE: Wow Jack, you sure are a good doctor.

CHARLIE and LOCKE approach.

LOCKE: Actually, Jack, this body's a woman, so I don't think her name could be Jeremy. And they've been here a long time, probably closer to fifty years––

JACK: Hey, are you the doctor around here?

LOCKE: No…

JACK: Well then, I suggest you shut up and listen to me. These bodies are Earl and Jeremy, okay?

LOCKE: Well, I'm gonna call them Adam and Eve. And Jack, please, for the love of God, would you put a shirt on? I don't need to be seeing your tighty-whities.

JACK: Oh, you're just jealous of my hot Superman bod. But hey, look at this, I found a pouch with two shiny black and white stones!

CHARLIE: Can I have them? I like shiny things.

LOCKE: No, I want them. I'll use them as backgammon pieces. Or possibly as glass eyeballs.

STONES: We might seem very mysterious and significant now, but we will never be mentioned or seen again!

CHARLIE: Oh yeah, guys, thanks for saving me from the bees back there. That was really, you know, heroic of you.

JACK: No problem. All in a day's work.

CHARLIE: I was being sarcas––

JACK: That's nice. We should get back to the beach.

CHARLIE: Okay. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the corner, making senseless and inappropriate jokes and generally being completely useless.

JACK: And this is a new development…how?

Scene cuts to the BEACH, where SUN is putting ALOE on JIN'S WRIST.

JIN: Ouchie! Me no like this spiky green plant.

UPSET that her husband has REJECTED her tender ministrations, Sun has a FLASHBACK. She enters an APARTMENT, with SHOPPING BAGS, LONG HAIR, and VERY THIN LEGS.

JIN: Sorry I've been so busy lately, sweetheart. Work, you know how it is.

SUN: Actually, no. I spend all my time shopping, getting my nails done, and putting ever-longer extensions in my hair.

JIN: Never mind. Here's an expensive puppy. Now let's go have clandestine sex––for old time's sake.

SUN: Okay!

JIN: Never mind. I have to take a clandestine phone call from your father instead.

Back on the ISLAND, JACK, KATE, LOCKE, and CHARLIE are at the CAVES.

KATE: Someone should stay here with Charlie while the other two go back to the beach.

Kate looks at JACK, who looks at LOCKE, who looks back at KATE.

KATE: Come on, he's not _that_ bad.

JACK: Why don't _you_ stay, then?

KATE: Fine, let's do rock, paper, scissors for it.

KATE and JACK make ROCKS. LOCKE makes SCISSORS.

LOCKE: Dammit.

JACK: By the way, Kate, I've made another one of those unilateral decisions everyone loves so much–– We're all moving to the caves!

KATE: Hmm. In response to this, I will look troubled.

Scene cuts to the BEACH, where JIN is staring at WALT. MICHAEL approaches.

MICHAEL: Threaten menace threaten threaten.

JIN: Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. You desperately need a bath, and your clothing is a shambles. Additionally, you ought to be ashamed of yourself for wearing the same outfit for weeks at a time without washing.

MICHAEL: I don't understand what you're saying…but I'm going to assume it was something hateful and rude, and I'm not going to let my son be corrupted by your vile Korean influence!

JIN: I regret my harsh words. I'm afraid this may all have been a misunderstanding. Perhaps if we sit down together like rational people, we can discuss our differences and discover a way to live togeth––

MICHAEL: Yeah, well…the same to you, you bastard!

Michael HURRIES Walt AWAY.

WALT: Daddy, why does the Korean man hate us?

MICHAEL: Uhh…well, I don't know, son––

WALT: Daddy, how are babies made?

MICHAEL: Uhh…

The REMAINDER of this scene REITERATES YET ANOTHER TIME that Michael and Walt do NOT have a FATHER-SON RELATIONSHIP.

SUN: I'm sure I could explain to them what the problem is––

JIN: How? By speaking English? Don't be ridiculous.

SUN: Well, not by speaking English, obviously, because of course I don't know _how_ to speak English, but…

JIN: No, Sun, you will be most useful by staying here and bathing my feverish brow.

SUN: But…

JIN: Bathe it!

Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.

SUN: Alas, I'm all alone. I no longer go shopping. Instead I wear excessively conservative clothes and sit on the couch in the dark until my husband comes home. Alas, alas, woe is me.

JIN arrives home and HURRIES to the BATHROOM. Sun FOLLOWS.

SUN: Is that ketchup on your shirt? Did you go to a restaurant?

JIN: …It's blood.

SUN: Oh. Blood! Did you get a bloody nose?

JIN: No.

SUN: A bloody…lip?

JIN: No.

SUN: A bloody––

JIN: I beat a guy up, okay?

SUN: What! I slap you in indignation!

JIN: Yep, I became a thug so that we could get married, and now my occupation is destroying our marriage. Isn't it deliciously ironic?

SUN: Life sucks. I'm just going to go sit in the dark some more, cry, and possibly contemplate suicide.

JIN: 'Kay. Have fun.

Back on the ISLAND, JACK and KATE are HIKING through the JUNGLE. KATE stops to TIE her SHOE.

KATE: Flirt flirt flirt!

JACK: You know, that reminds me of something completely mundane and unromantic. Allow me to bring it up at this very appropriate moment.

KATE: Are you gay, or maybe just blind?

JACK: No. Why would you think that?

KATE: I keep forgetting how _stupid_ you are.

JACK: Are you made at me, Kate? Why are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?

Scene cuts to the CAVES, where CHARLIE is CREEPED OUT by LOCKE.

CHARLIE: No, John, you can't watch me go to the bathroom. I'm beginning to think Michael's right about you.

LOCKE: But it's dangerous out there! I _have _to watch you, Chase!

CHARLIE: My _name_ is _Charlie_, okay, baldie?

Charlie WALKS towards the JUNGLE.

LOCKE: Hmm…if he goes out into the jungle, he might see the monster, and I can't let him see the monster 'cause she's _my_ monster, so I have to find some way to distract him… Oh yeah, what about that band he talks about all the time, what's it called, Drivethru or Suckshaft or something…

Charlie comes ZOOMING BACK.

CHARLIE: Did I hear you say Driveshaft?

LOCKE: Um…yes. Driveshaft. I love Driveshaft.

CHARLIE: Oh boy! You can join our fanclub! It only has two members at the moment, but it's been really taking off recently and––

FORTY MINUTES LATER…

CHARLIE: …so I thought, What rhymes with penguin? And then it came to me––mannequin! And that's how I came up with the song "Department Store Penguin Blues." And after that––

Locke, by this time, is DESPERATE to INTERRUPT.

LOCKE: So, Chip––

CHARLIE: _Charlie_.

LOCKE: Right, right, Charlie. You must really miss your guitar, huh?

CHARLIE: My what? Oh, guitar, oh yeah, definitely, you know that reminds me of the time I was writing the song "Frogurt Guy," and…

Scene cuts to JACK and KATE, who are approaching the BEACH. SAYID is CHOPPING WOOD.

SAYID: See these arms, Jack? _These_ are real manly man arms.

Sayid, Jack, and Kate have a small CONFERENCE.

JACK: You know, Sayid, I'm the hero here, so if you can't handle the Korean situation––

SAYID: You know, Jack, you don't have to be in charge of everything around here. Some of us are perfectly capable of––

JACK: Uh-huh. By the way, we're all moving to the caves.

SAYID: I've been carefully concealing my anger towards you for the last two episodes, but this is the last straw!

JACK: What? You were angry at me? Why would you be angry at me?

SAYID: You never listen to anyone else's opinion!

JACK: What? Yes I do! You guys both want to move to the caves, right?

SAYID: No.

KATE: N––

JACK: See, we're all in agreement.

Sayid STORMS OFF angrily.

JACK: Huh. What's with him?

Scene cuts to the BEACH, where JACK is acting like a POLITICIAN and SHAKING people's HANDS. SAYID approaches MICHAEL.

SAYID: I am sorry for being so unreasonable as to suggest that the Korean may have had a motive for his sudden and violent attack on you, because clearly he did not and is merely a vile and hateful person.

MICHAEL: I'm glad you've finally seen sense.

SAYID: And now for my ulterior motive. I want to make sure you're going to vote for me and not Jack in the upcoming island election.

MICHEAL: Oh? What are your positions on the isssues?

SAYID: Well, basically…if you vote for Jack, you move to the caves, and if you vote for me, you're staying on the beach.

MICHAEL: Can I be your campaign manager?

SAYID: Sure.

Meanwhile, JACK is SEARCHING for BABIES to KISS.

JACK: There's a terrible shortage of babies on this island…oh well, I'll have to content myself with giving water to the Korean guy.

HURLEY: Jack and Kate, sittin' in a tree––

JACK: Yeah, I know Kate digs me. I'm the hottest damn doctor on the whole damn island!

KATE is SITTING on the BEACH. JACK approaches.

JACK: So, Kate, are you excited about moving to the caves?

KATE: Um, Jack, about that, I'm not sure I want––

JACK: I'm really excited!

KATE: That's great, but I think I'm going to stay––

JACK: And I was thinking maybe we could move into our own little cave, just like Earl and Jeremy! What do you think about that?

KATE: That sounds nice, but I really don't––

JACK: I'm glad you agree! Be sure to have dinner on the table at seven!

He LEAVES. SAWYER approaches.

SAWYER: Word on the beach is that you're gonna be the deciding vote between the doctor and Insert Generic Middle Eastern Name Here. Kinda like Texas or California.

KATE: You comparing me to a state, Sawyer?

SAWYER: Sure am. So, is Texas going to the caves or staying on the beach?

KATE: If I'm Texas, what're you? Rhode Island? Montana?

SAWYER: Don't try changin' the subject.

KATE: Well…well, who are _you_ voting for?

SAWYER: Nope, I have to hear your answer first. That way I can be sure to go to the same place you are. Not that I'm a stalker or anything.

MICHAEL approaches.

MICHAEL: Hey…would you guys like some Vote For Sayid buttons?

A little LATER, Michael wanders off the beach and into the JUNGLE to CHOP WOOD, which is what all the island men do when they are UPSET or otherwise PREOCCUPIED. SUN follows. Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE, featuring a SUN with newly SHORTENED HAIR.

SUN: La de da, I'm a happy wife!

DECORATOR: La de da, I'm a very normal, unsuspicious person here to re-decorate your apartment!

JIN: I'm grouchy. Grr.

Sun and the decorator go to the BEDROOM, where it is revealed that Sun is PLANNING to LEAVE JIN.

DECORATOR: Yes, it is all taken care of. While on vacation, you will secretly leave the airport at eleven-fifteen and run away to America. Your father and husband will think you are dead.

SUN: I can't just get a normal divorce?

DECORATOR: Oh no, this plan is much, much better. Now, I want you to repeat "eleven-fifteen" over and over.

AUDIENCE: Oh good…now we all know how to say "eleven-fifteen" in Korean.

Back on the ISLAND, SUN approaches MICHAEL.

SUN: Guess what, I speak completely perfect English!

MICHAEL: Huh. That's surprising.

SUN: Yep. But my husband doesn't know. He has such a burning hatred of the English language that he would probably kill me if he knew I spoke it.

MICHAEL: Kinda like he almost killed me today?

SUN: Um…yes. Anywho, I just wanted to let you know that Jin attacked you because you're wearing my father's watch.

MICHAEL: Oh, okay, glad to know he actually had a reason that _made sense_!

SUN: Yes, he did.

MICHAEL: I'm sorry, I guess you don't know how to translate sarcasm.

SUN: No hard feelings, right?

MICHAEL: Oh _no_, none at all.

SUN: Good.

MICHAEL: That was sarcasm again.

Scene cuts to LOCKE and CHARLIE in the JUNGLE.

CHARLIE: For the last time, John, _no_, you cannot watch me go to the bathroom!

LOCKE: I changed my mind, I don't want to do that anymore.

CHARLIE: Oh. Well…good.

LOCKE: I've got a hankering for some heroin instead.

CHARLIE: What? Heroin? I can't help you there, _I_ sure don't have any. In fact, I don't even know what bloody heroin is!

LOCKE: Don't play dumb, Chaz––er, Chip––

CHARLIE: _Charlie_.

LOCKE: ––Charlie, you were in a band, of _course_ you have heroin. What do you want for it? Your guitar? 'Cause I've got your guitar right here, found it in the wreckage.

CHARLIE: Umm…no, I'd rather have the heroin, thanks.

Locke WAVES the GUITAR tantalizingly.

LOCKE: Are you suuuure?

CHARLIE: Pretty sure, yeah.

LOCKE: Oh. Well then…

Locke BASHES CHARLIE with the GUITAR, GRABS the HEROIN, and RUNS AWAY, GIGGLING madly.

LOCKE: Hee hee hee!

Scene cuts to KATE, sitting on the BEACH. JACK approaches.

JACK: Up and at 'em, Kate, time to go to the caves!

KATE: I'm staying here.

JACK: What? Why didn't you say anything?

KATE: Well, I tried, but you wouldn't lis––

JACK: But Kate…I wanted us to move into a cave together!

KATE: I'm sorry, Jack…I just can't be Jeremy.

Elsewhere on the BEACH, MICHAEL approaches JIN with the AX.

JIN: Uh-oh…he's got an ax!

MICHAEL: Okay, here's the deal. My life sucks. I have no relationship with my son. I have no relationship with my son. I have no relationship with my son. I have no relationship with my son. Here's your watch. And I hate you. But your wife is kinda hot. Buh-bye now!

Michael uses his SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH to SEVER the handcuff CHAIN with the AX.

JIN: I think he might be crazy.

Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. SUN and JIN are at the AIRPORT. Jin is in LINE behind JACK, who is DRIPPING SNOT on the COUNTER. The time is ELEVEN-FIFTEEN. Sun begins to WALK AWAY.

SUN: Freedom!

JIN: Hey, Sun…here's a clandestine flower.

SUN: R-really? Clandestine?

JIN: You bet.

SUN: Well, I can't leave him now! I'm sure our relationship will be much better after this!

Back on the ISLAND, SUN looks DISTRESSED.

SUN: Alas, alas, woe is me. If only I hadn't gotten on that plane, I could be in America by now and having a passionate affair.

Scene cuts to the CAVES, where JACK, JIN, SUN, HURLEY and OTHERS are ARRIVING. Hurley LISTENS to his CD-PLAYER.

HURLEY: Luckily, I have music that is eerily appropriate for the situation!

On the BEACH, MICHAEL and WALT are BONDING. FINALLY. KATE and SAYID are sitting together with SAWYER.

SAYID: Can I brush your––?

KATE: No.

SAWYER: You can brush _my_ hair, Insert Generic Middle Eastern Name Here.

At the CAVES, JACK is sitting with LOCKE.

JACK: How did _this_ happen?

LOCKE: So, Jack, who do you want to be: Earl or Jeremy?

LOST

* * *

AN: So, in this chapter, I introduced what will become (another) running gag...an affair between Sayid and Sawyer. I want to assure you, however, that this in no way reflects my actual opinion. I like my Sayid _very_ heterosexual, thank you very much. And my Sawyer too, for that matter. They are, in fact, my two favorite Lost men (although if Desmond is indeed alive, Sawyer may find himself bumped down to the #3 position). I just always thought it was weird that 1, Sawyer was carrying around the Marshal's handcuffs in the first place, and 2, Sayid _knew _he was carrying them around. The slash explanation was just crying out to be used. 

In other news, I'm feeling depressed at the moment because my last chapter got 76 hits and only 5 reviews. Alas, alas, woe is me. I can't say I review every story I read...but if I like something enough to put it on my Favorite list or on my Alert list, then I _definitely_ review it. It seems the polite thing to do.

Anyway, thanks to my faithful reviewers **Dinuriel,** **non-damsel**, and **xlostangelx**. Read their stories. They rock. Thanks also to new reviewers **supernaturallylost**, **hersheygal**, **flight815survivor**, and **R .S. Lee**. And a special congratulations to **xlostangelx** for catching the Harry Potter quote.

I'm on a roll here, expect an update on Sunday. It will probably feature Charlie-bashing. Which, while not quite as fun as Jack-bashing, is still entertaining. Although I actually like Charlie. Well, kind of. He treads the very thin line between funny and annoying most of the time.

Until next time...review.


	7. Episode 7: The Moth

Episode Seven:  
The Moth, _or_ In which Charlie thinks he overcomes his Useless Sidekick complex, but really he doesn't

* * *

Scene opens on CHARLIE, playing his GUITAR. 

CHARLIE: Hmm…A5, E7…blood on the window, and the pilot is deeeeeead––

EVERYONE at the caves has been LISTENING to Charlie's GUITAR for the past TWO HOURS.

HURLEY: I can't…take it…anymore…must…kill myself…end the pain…

LOCKE: Hey, hey…um, Chico, why don't you put the guitar down for a few minutes and come take a walk with me? Just a few minutes? Put the guitar down slowly now…

CHARLIE: Charlie! My name is Charlie! Not Chico, not Chaz, not Chip, not Chuckie, okay?

Fortunately, while Charlie is YELLING, Locke manages to TAKE the GUITAR and HIDE it behind a ROCK.

CHARLIE: And furthermore–– Hey, where's my guitar?

LOCKE: Guitar? Haven't seen it. Now let's go.

Scene cuts to the BEACH, where JACK is in his TENT, staring at MUG SHOT KATE.

JACK: Ogle ogle, covet covet.

MUG SHOT KATE: Yeah, I know I'm hot.

REAL KATE approaches

KATE: Banter banter, flirt flirt flirt.

JACK: The caves! I love the caves!

KATE: Sigh.

JACK: Kate, there's something important I've been meaning to ask you…

KATE: Yes?

JACK: …Where did all this blue tarp come from? Do planes usually carry lots of blue tarp? It just seems kind of weird to me that we're building all these tents with this blue tarp, and––

KATE: Sigh.

JACK: We're not going to get rescued, you know, Kate. We're not going to get rescued because I _said_ so, and everything I say is always right!

KATE: I'm sure you're right, Jack, but Sayid thinks––

JACK: Sayid! You're letting him brush your hair, aren't you? You _are_! I knew it!

SAWYER approaches.

SAWYER: What's this about Sayid brushing someone's hair?

JACK: Nothing. I'm leaving. I'll see you around, Kate!

He LEAVES.

SAWYER: Can _I_ brush your––?

KATE: No! Dammit, no!

Scene cuts to CHARLIE, walking ALONE in the JUNGLE.

CHARLIE: Bloody Locke, wants me to go for a walk, then bloody disappears…

Charlie hears BOAR NOISES from the UNDERBRUSH.

CHARLIE: Locke, is that you? Locke, do you suddenly sound like a boar?

Using his vast INTELLIGENCE, Charlie DEDUCES that the BOAR is NOT LOCKE. Then he RUNS AWAY, and, while running, has a FLASHBACK. He is in CONFESSION.

CHARLIE: Um, yeah, sooo…there was this chick, and man, she was ho-_ot_! Let me tell you, she was _smokin'_, and she was wearing this––

PRIEST: Um…

CHARLIE: Oh, right, yeah, so, anyway… Well, I can't say the word "sex" to a priest 'cause he'd probably have a heart attack… I, uh, did the horizontal tango with this girl, and then with this other girl, and then––

The AUDIENCE has a COLLECTIVE HEART ATTACK at the thought of CHARLIE getting this much ACTION. Or, indeed, ANY action.

CHARLIE: So, in conclusion, I think I have to quit Driveshaft.

PRIEST: Driveshaft! Why didn't you say so! I _love_ Driveshaft! Can I have your autograph?

CHARLIE: …You're not helping.

Charlie EXITS the confessional, to find his BROTHER LIAM sitting in a PEW.

FANGIRLS: Well, he's much hotter than Charlie! Why couldn't _he_ be on the island?

LIAM: Guess what? I finally found a deaf guy with a record label!

Back on the ISLAND, CHARLIE is still RUNNING from the BOAR. Then the BOAR gets caught in a NET!

LOCKE: Good job, Chase! You somehow led the boar in exactly the right direction for my trap! Course, I was kinda hoping you'd get gored too, but you know, you can't have everything.

CHARLIE: How do you _still_ not know my name, dammit!

LOCKE: Oh, yeah…is it, um…Chris?

CHARLIE: No! Give me back my bloody laundry deterg––I mean, heroin!

-LOST-

Scene opens on CHARLIE and LOCKE in the JUNGLE.

LOCKE: You gave me your heroin of your own free will––

CHARLIE: No I didn't! You bloody well hit me over the head and took it!

LOCKE: If that's what you choose to remember, Chelsey, then––

CHARLIE: Chelsey's a girl's name!

LOCKE: Tell you what. I'll give you three chances, and the third time you ask for your drugs, I'll turn you into a _goon_!

CHARLIE: …What?

LOCKE: I mean…I'll give them back to you.

Scene cuts to the BEACH, where SAYID is holding ELECTRONIC THINGS and talking to KATE and BOONE.

SAYID: The heat must be messing with my brain. Because otherwise, there's no way I'd ever trust Boone with anything important.

BOONE: I'm being useful!

SAYID: French woman, triangulation, signal, transceiver, rockets. You get the gist?

KATE: Yep, I'm a genius.

BOONE: Me too!

SAYID: Riiight… But the only thing is, I still don't have a battery for the transceiver.

KATE: No problem. I'll just go flirt with Sawyer, and––

SAYID: No, Kate, you don't have t––

KATE: No, I do, it's my duty, I want to contribute.

Kate goes to SAWYER'S TENT.

KATE: You disgust me, Sawyer. I hate being near you. Your presence is odious to me.

SAWYER: I'm reading _Watership Down_. This will soon become a semi-important plot point!

KATE: You're scum, Sawyer. Everyone hates you. Including me. Especially me.

SAWYER: Your flattery touches me. Here, have a battery from this laptop.

Scene cuts to the CAVES, where CHARLIE has FOUND his GUITAR and is SINGING.

CHARLIE: Little Bunny Foo-foo, hopping through the forest––

HURLEY and JACK enter with SUITCASES from the BEACH.

CHARLIE: Let me be useful!

While Charlie is being USEFUL, Hurley HIDES his GUITAR behind a BIGGER ROCK.

JACK: Charlie, let me make this clear to you. In this episode, you are a caricature of yourself. Everything you do is doomed to failure so that your immense uselessness will be clearly visible to even the blindest audience member.

CHARLIE: I'm so depressed. I need some bloody drugs.

Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. CHARLIE and LIAM are walking around what appears to be the combination of a CHURCH and a NUNNERY.

CHARLIE: Shh, Liam, you can't say the word "bloody" in front of nuns! They'll probably all have heart attacks!

LIAM: You're too uptight. You need some drugs.

CHARLIE: I hate drugs. I will never do drugs.

LIAM: Okay, here's the deal, Chuckie––Charlie. We have to take this contract so I can be famous!

CHARLIE: You mean "we."

LIAM: Right, right, of course, we.

CHARLIE: Well…okay. But only on one condition. You have to promise that if I say we quit, we quit.

LIAM: Promise!

CHARLIE: Yay! Let's run around in happy circles!

Back on the ISLAND, JIN and SUN are at the WATERFALL.

SUN: The purpose of this scene is to show that I no longer wear excessively conservative clothes.

Returning to something actually RELEVANT, HURLEY tells CHARLIE to MOVE his GUITAR out of JACK'S WAY.

CHARLIE: What? But I didn't put my guitar there! I couldn't find my guitar.

HURLEY: Huh. How about that.

CHARLIE: By the way… Driveshaft! Driveshaft!

HURLEY: Oh, dude, Jack told me this awesome joke.

CHARLIE: Jack told a _joke_? _I'm_ the one who tells jokes!

HURLEY: Yeah, it went like this. What has scraggly blond hair…

CHARLIE: Yeah?

HURLEY: …really big ears…

CHARLIE: Yeah?

HURLEY: …makes stupid jokes all the time…

CHARLIE: Yeah?

HURLEY: …and is always useless?

CHARLIE: I dunno! What is it?

HURLEY: Charlie!

CHARLIE: That's not funny!

Charlie RUNS away, CRYING. He goes into a CAVE to CONFRONT JACK.

CHARLIE: Hurley told me a real interesting joke just now, Jack!

JACK: Charlie, I'm sorry. But I warned you that you were going to be a caricature of yourself, it's really not my fault––

CHARLIE: Hah! Sure it isn't! Well, you know what? DRIVESHAFT! DRIVESHAFT!

Upon HEARING Charlie's high-pitched, nasal, and generally ANNOYING VOICE, the CAVE decides to COLLAPSE in hopes of KILLING him. This plan is, unfortunately, UNSUCCESSFUL, as Charlie STUMBLES out of the RUBBLE.

CHARLIE: I've been getting really good at running away and leaving Jack behind.

HURLEY: Dude…this is so not cool.

CHARLIE: I'll just stand here, uselessly, and profess my innocence. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't my––

HURLEY: Oh, Charlie, of course it was. This is the kind of thing a useless sidekick _does_.

CHARLIE: I need some bloody drugs.

Scene cuts to the JUNGLE, where SAYID and KATE are WALKING.

KATE: Don't even _think_ about trying to brush my hair. Or smell it. Or touch it in _any way_.

SAYID: I've moved past that now, Kate.

KATE: Oh…

SAYID: In other news…we should all be dead.

KATE: That's cheerful of you.

Scene cuts to the BEACH, where the SURVIVORS are LOUNGING. CHARLIE arrives.

CHARLIE: Um…so Jack's in a cave-in, and he might be dead. But the most important thing to keep in mind is that it was not my fault. Repeat it with me, now. Not…Charlie's…fault.

MICHAEL: Uh, shouldn't we, you know, go help him?

CHARLIE: Oh, yeah, sure.

MICHAEL: Hey, Steve!

STEVE/SCOTT: I'm Scott!

SCOTT/STEVE: No, _I'm_ Scott, _you're_ Steve.

STEVE/SCOTT: Oh. You sure?

MICHAEL: Oh, for––we don't have time for this! Whoever the hell you are, let's get to the caves!

BOONE: I'm gonna go be useful! Oh, but wait…there was that thing Sayid wanted me to do… Oh, I know! I'll just pick the most trustworthy person left on the beach to take care of it for me! That would be…Shannon!

SHANNON: You mean me? Me, Shannon?

BOONE: Yes, you Shannon. I'm sure you can do it if I just explain condescendingly enough.

SHANNON: Oh, you are _so_ marked for death.

CHARLIE: Hmm…there was something else I was supposed to do…

SAWYER: For no apparent reason, I don't have a shirt on in this scene.

FANGIRLS: We don't mind! _You_ can take your shirt off as much as you want!

SAWYER: I'll go tell Kate about the cave-in.

CHARLIE: Oh yeah! Kate!

SAWYER: I got it. You're useless, remember?

CHARLIE: I glare at you! Glare, glare.

Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. CHARLIE and LIAM are PERFORMING.

CHARLIE: Why are girls screaming Liam's name and not mine? I'm so depressed.

LIAM: Who wrote these asinine lyrics? Oh that's right…it was Charlie.

CHARLIE: I glare at you! Glare, glare.

LATER, BACKSTAGE…

CHARLIE: I am pissy. Liam, you suck.

LIAM: What…ever. Hey, a hot chick with drugs!

CHARLIE: And this concludes the lamest, most useless flashback ever.

Back on the ISLAND, people are DIGGING at the CAVE-IN. More PEOPLE arrive from the BEACH.

MICHAEL: Hold on, hold on! I'm a construction worker, I can tell you which rocks are load-bearing!

HURLEY: Dude…it's the architects who know that stuff. Construction workers are the ones with beer bellies who whistle at women on their lunch breaks.

MICHAEL: Yeah, whatever, man. Just dig here, okay?

HURLEY: Dude…that's exactly where we were digging before.

MICHAEL: You shut up! Jack might be dead and Sayid's not here, so as Sayid's former campaign manager, _I'm_ in charge!

Scene cuts to the JUNGLE, where SAYID and KATE are WALKING. SAWYER arrives.

KATE: I am not at all happy to see you. Because I hate you. A lot.

SAWYER: Well, I _was_ gonna do something nice, but now you've hurt my feelings. See if I tell you anything about Jack trapped in a cave-in _now_!

KATE: _What_? What did he say?

SAYID: Uhh…nothing. Let's go.

In a DIFFERENT PART of the JUNGLE, LOCKE is spending some QUALITY TIME with a BOAR CARCASS. CHARLIE arrives.

CHARLIE: So Jack's probably dead…and I want some drugs.

LOCKE: Okay. Time to pull out the big guns.

CHARLIE: Big guns?

LOCKE: A wise-sounding, vague, and possibly significant story, of course! I just need to take you to a moth cocoon first. It's a sort of visual aid.

CHARLIE: You mean you can just…find a moth cocoon? Like, on cue?

LOCKE: Oh, sure. The island will tell me where to look.

THIRTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER…

CHARLIE: Locke, please. Can't you tell me the story without the visual aid?

LOCKE: No! There must be a cocoon around here somewhere! Yeah, here's one now!

CHARLIE: That's a twig with a leaf wrapped around it.

LOCKE: _No_, it's a _cocoon_.

CHARLIE: Okay. Fine. Now what's this bloody story already?

LOCKE: …I don't remember.

Scene cuts to the CAVES, where people are DIGGING. There is much GRUNTING in the background.

HURLEY: Jack! Jack, are you alive?

JACK: Of course. I'm Superman, remember?

HURLEY: Cool! So can you just, like, push all the rocks aside?

JACK: …No.

INSIDE the CAVE, Jack is DIRTY and COUGHING.

JACK: I want my mommy.

Scene cuts to the JUNGLE, where SAYID, KATE, and SAWYER are WALKING.

SAYID: Okey-dokey! Sawyer, climb that tree with this vaguely electronic-looking piece of equipment!

SAWYER: I can do that! I'm a manly man!

SAYID: Well, I'm off with the last vaguely electronic-looking piece of equipment. Be careful, Kate. I'm afraid he might try to touch your hair.

Back at the CAVES…

MICHAEL: Hmm…we need someone to crawl through the tunnel to rescue Jack. Someone short…

CHARLIE: Me!

MICHAEL: …and kind of runty…

CHARLIE: Ooh, me!

MICHAEL: …and we won't care if he dies…

CHARLIE: Me, me! Pick me!

MICHAEL: Are you sure, Charlie? I mean, with your Useless Sidekick thing and all, maybe it wouldn't be the best––

CHARLIE: No, sidekicks rescue heroes all the time! Really!

MICHAEL: Enh, what the hell. And if the tunnel collapses and he dies, well, that'll just be an added bonus.

CHARLIE: Does nobody care about my _feelings_? I can _hear_ you!

Scene cuts to the JUNGLE, where KATE and SAWYER are SITTING.

SAWYER: Banter, banter.

KATE: Banter, banter.

SAWYER: Sooo…why do you like Jack? 'Cause I'm much hotter than he is. Funnier, too.

KATE: Well, that's a very interesting question. I like Jack because…because…um…well, because he's a good person.

SAWYER: Bo-ring.

KATE: It's just how it works! He's the hero and I'm the heroine!

SAWYER: Yeah, well…too bad he's DEAD! Bwahahaha!

Back at the CAVES, CHARLIE is ENTERING the TUNNEL. Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. He is BACKSTAGE with LIAM and multiple scantily-clad GIRLS.

CHARLIE: I am pissy. Liam, you suck.

LIAM: I'm a drunken heroin junkie! Wooh!

CHARLIE: Okay, we're done with Driveshaft. Let's walk away, like you promised.

LIAM: Nope, I had my fingers crossed! Ha ha!

CHARLIE: Yeah, well, you…you suck!

LIAM: But _you're_ useless!

CHARLIE: Liam…you hurt my feelings.

LIAM: Oh, you and your bloody feelings…

He LEAVES.

CHARLIE: I'm…I'm _depressed_. Oooh, film! My favorite!

Back in the TUNNEL, CHARLIE is still CRAWLING.

CHARLIE: And that's how I started getting depressed. Hey…wait a second. How did those guys dig such a long tunnel? They would have had to be crawling along as they dug it out…

Charlie EMERGES into a small CAVE where JACK is lying PINNED by a ROCK.

JACK: Charlie? I saw Michael in that tunnel a minute ago, but he said he couldn't rescue me, he was just digging. So what are you here for?

CHARLIE: To, um…rescue you.

Jack LAUGHS so hard that the TUNNEL COLLAPSES.

JACK: Sorry. Sorry. I take you seriously, really I do.

OUTSIDE the CAVE, KATE arrives.

KATE: Sawyer said Jack's dead! He's not really dead, is he?

MICHAEL: Well, Kate…we dug this tunnel and Charlie went in after him…but then Jack laughed so hard at the idea of Charlie rescuing him that he caused another cave-in. And now we just don't know what to do!

KATE: Uh, well how about the same thing you did after the first cave-in?

MICHAEL: Good idea! Now that _you're_ here to be the leader, Kate, I can be stupid again!

They begin DIGGING.

INSIDE the CAVE, CHARLIE PUSHES the ROCK off of JACK'S ARM.

JACK: Whimper, whimper. I want my mommy.

CHARLIE: Is your mum dead? If she's dead, you'll probably be joining her once we run out of air here.

JACK: Charlie, before we die, I need you to put my shoulder back into its socket.

CHARLIE: Uhh, nope, can't do that.

JACK: Believe me, if there were _anyone_ else available…

CHARLIE: I just have to yank really hard? That's easy! Will it hurt?

JACK: Yes.

CHARLIE: Good!

Charlie YANKS on Jack's ARM. There is a loud CRACK.

JACK: Whimper, whimper.

CHARLIE: That was fun!

JACK: Charlie…you fixed it. You can stop pulling now.

CHARLIE: Aw…

Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. CHARLIE is at a HOUSE with WINDCHIMES. He KNOCKS on the DOOR, and it is OPENED by LIAM.

LIAM: I'm no longer drunken heroin junkie Liam, I'm studious responsible Liam! Thus, the glasses.

CHARLIE: Good news! I've got a gig for Driveshaft!

LIAM: Actually, now _I'm_ the one who's not interested in Driveshaft anymore. It's so bloody ironic, isn't it?

CHARLIE: …And my life continues to suck.

LIAM: As studious responsible Liam, I feel I must help you, Charlie.

CHARLIE: I don't need your help, Liam! In fact, my sucky life is ALL YOUR FAULT!

LIAM: Charlie, you can't blame me for your own mistakes––

CHARLIE: Oh, shut up. I've got a plane crash to be in.

Back on the ISLAND, CHARLIE and JACK are BONDING.

JACK: Being the island doctor hero that I am, Charlie, I know you're a heroin addict, and I'm very concerned for your welfare.

CHARLIE: Yeah, yeah…

JACK: And I don't think you're useless. Really.

CHARLIE: But you said I was a caricature of uselessness!

JACK: Yeah, but this is the very touching moment where you realize that, against all reason, you really aren't useless after all! It's part of your character arc.

CHARLIE: Well, that's nice, isn't it? Now let's smile a lot so our teeth glow in the dark!

JACK: Just because we're gonna die doesn't mean we can't be cheerful about it!

CHARLIE: Hey, there's a moth!

JACK: What?

CHARLIE: Hm…that probably should have some sort of symbolic significance, but Locke never did get around to telling his story, so I have no idea what it is!

MOTH: Follow me!

CHARLIE: Okay! C'mon, Jack, the moth is gonna show us the way out!

OUTSIDE the CAVE, KATE is still DIGGING. And, in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT AREA of the JUNGLE, JACK and CHARLIE BURST out of the GROUND!

JACK: Woah…how did we end up all the way out here?

CHARLIE: Hey, I have an idea! Let's go watch everyone trying to dig us out of the caves!

JACK: Yeah, they probably think we're dead!

Jack and Charlie SNIGGER for a while at the DIGGERS before WALT NOTICES them.

KATE: Jack! You're not dead!

CHARLIE: Can I have a hug too, Kate?

KATE: No.

MICHAEL: Jack!

HURLEY: Jack!

ALL: Jack! Jack! Jack!

CHARLIE: Uh, Charlie's here too, you know.

ALL: Jack! Jack!

JACK: Charlie saved me!

ALL: Charlie saved Jack! Charlie saved Jack! We love Charlie!

CHARLIE: I'm so happy! Everyone cares about me now!

HURLEY: Actually, dude, they care about Jack. They only care about _you_ because you _saved_ Jack.

CHARLIE: Shut up! The point is, I'm no longer a useless sidekick!

HURLEY: Yes you––

CHARLIE: Shut _up_!

Scene cuts to the JUNGLE, where SAYID is CHECKING his WATCH.

SAYID: Remember me? I'm the B storyline.

It is FIVE O'CLOCK.

SAYID: Oh boy, time for the fireworks!

He SETS OFF the first ROCKET. SAWYER and SHANNON SET OFF their own ROCKETS.

SAYID: Good job, Boone and Kate! Now I'll just switch on the transceiver! Which is attached to a vaguely electronic-looking piece of equipment!

The TRANSCEIVER is RECEIVING a SIGNAL. This makes Sayid very HAPPY. Unfortunately, a MYSTERIOUS SOMEONE sneaks up from BEHIND and KNOCKS HIM OUT!

LOCKE: It wasn't me! Hee hee hee!

Locke DESTROYS the EQUIPMENT and RUNS AWAY, GIGGLING madly.

Scene cuts to the CAVES, where JACK and CHARLIE are SITTING.

CHARLIE: Me and Jack are now bestest friends!

JACK: Um…ha ha?

CHARLIE: No, I'm serious! We can stay up late, swapping manly stories––

JACK: You don't have any manly stories.

CHARLIE: Oh yeah. Well, I'm depressed again. So, if you'll excuse me, I have some drugs to reclaim.

JACK: See ya.

Charlie LEAVES. KATE arrives.

KATE: Look, Jack! I brought you a piece of dirty white cloth with some holes in!

JACK: Wow! That's great!

KATE: Banter, banter.

JACK: The caves! I still love the caves!

KATE: Sigh.

JACK: Hey, I have an idea! Let's have a Moment!

KATE: What is _with_ you?

CHARLIE goes to LOCKE.

LOCKE: Hey…

CHARLIE: Charlie.

LOCKE: …Charlie. What's up?

CHARLIE: Give me my laundry deter––heroin!

LOCKE: You disappoint me, Chico.

CHARLIE: I don't care if I bloody disappoint you or not! You stole my heroin, and I want it back!

LOCKE: Oh, fine, fine.

Locke takes out the BAGGIE and begins to GIVE it to Charlie. Then he STOPS and TOSSES it into a nearby FIRE.

CHARLIE: Locke! What'd you do that for!

LOCKE: I'm proud of you, Chico. I knew you had the strength to give up your drugs!

CHARLIE: You bloody well threw them into the fire!

LOCKE: No I didn't…_you_ threw them into the fire, Chico.

CHARLIE: You are one messed up old man. Oh look, another moth.

LOCKE: Yeah…that would probably be significant if I could remember the moth story.

-LOST-

* * *

AN: I said I would post this chapter on Sunday, but then I remembered I'm going out of town on Saturday. So I worked twice as fast in order to get this chapter up today instead, and you'd better review and shower me with praise for this valiant effort. : P 

Keep in mind...I don't hate Charlie. I only hate Jack and Boone; Charlie falls more under the Vaguely Dislike category. Although when I first saw this episode, I was in fact a pretty big Charlie fan. I stopped liking him at some point in season two. Actually, I know _exactly_ when I stopped liking him...about 10 minutes into Fire + Water. Yeah, that was probably the low point of Lost so far. After that, Charlie was just annoying. Although it was funny in the finale when Eko was like, Do you know how they got the hatch door open? and Charlie was like, No, but if you hum it, I could probably play it. Yeah, that was funny.

Next update...well, I'm coming back on Thursday, so...next Monday. July 10. Confidence Man. Look for it. And until then...review.


	8. Episode 8: Confidence Man

Episode Eight:  
Confidence Man, _or_ In which Kate does _not_ like Sawyer, not even one tiny little bit

* * *

Scene opens on KATE, who is WALKING down the BEACH with BANANAS. She FINDS a pile of CLOTHES and a copy of WATERSHIP DOWN. 

KATE: Hmm…I wonder if this is a plot point…

SAWYER emerges from the OCEAN. Kate realizes he is NAKED.

KATE: Nice! ––I mean, dammit Sawyer, put some pants on!

SAWYER: I'm reading Watership Down! I'm reading Watership Down! Watership Down! Watership Down!

KATE: No, it's probably not a plot point… If it were, it would be emphasized more.

SAWYER: Can I have a banana?

KATE: No! These bananas are for Jack! Because I_ like_ Jack, because he is a good person, and I hate _you_, because you are a bad person!

SAWYER: You're just trying to convince yourself, you know.

KATE: Yeah, well…shut up!

Kate STORMS OFF angrily and Sawyer has a FLASHBACK. He is in a HOTEL BED with a RANDOM WOMAN, presumable POST-COITUS.

RANDOM WOMAN: Fawn fawn, adore adore adore.

SAWYER: Yeah, I know I'm hot.

RANDOM WOMAN: Oh no! Sawyer, you only have two minutes to get to your super-important meeting!

SAWYER: Whoops! Well, I'd better just grab this broken briefcase and––

Stacks of MONEY fall out of the BRIEFCASE.

SAWYER: Whoops! That was totally unintentional!

Back on the ISLAND, SAWYER finds BOONE exploring his STASH.

BOONE: It's me again! Attempting to do something right but failing miserably!

SAWYER: Oh boy, I finally have an excuse to beat up Boone! Wait till I tell Sayid!

Scene cuts to SAYID, being DOCTORED by JACK.

JACK: The secret to my whole "doctor" thing is really just Band-Aids and peroxide, but no one must ever find out. The only reason they let me boss them around is because they think they need me if they get hurt. So as long as I control the peroxide…I control the island. Mwahaha.

SAYID: Someone destroyed my vaguely electronic-looking equipment. This makes me enraged.

JACK: Really? You don't sound enraged.

SAYID: _Enraged_.

JACK: Well, don't worry, Sayid. Being Superman, I will track down the culprit and make sure he is brought to justice.

SAYID: Bah! My ability to avoid the use of contractions can beat your Superman abilities any day!

SHANNON appears with BOONE.

SHANNON: Well, my idiot brother has gotten himself beat up again, and he's getting blood on my shirt, so could someone please take him off my hands?

JACK: _I'll_ do it!

SAYID: No, _I_ will do it!

Jack and Sayid HELP Boone to SIT down.

BOONE: Sawyer beat me up for absolutely _no reason_!

JACK: Gasp!

SHANNON: Gasp!

SAYID: I am also gasping!

-LOST-

Scene opens on CLAIRE at the BEACH. CHARLIE approaches.

CHARLIE: Hey, Claire! Wow, you're still pregnant!

CLAIRE: Yep! I'm just pregnant pregnant pregnant!

CHARLIE: In order to establish the secondary plotline of this episode, allow me to profess my worry about Claire living at the beach.

CLAIRE: It's okay, I'm protected from heat stroke by this hat I stole from a random suitcase! My scalp's been itching a lot, though…

Back at the CAVES, JACK is now DOCTORING BOONE.

BOONE: Jack, you're hurting me!

JACK: Oh, don't be such a crybaby.

BOONE: From what I hear, you're a pretty big crybaby yourself.

JACK: Yeah, but I'm a hero, so for me it means I'm being sensitive.

BOONE: Yeah, well…Sawyer beat me up for no reason! I may have been going through his stuff at the time, but that was obviously completely unrelated to why he attacked me––

JACK: I see.

BOONE: I was looking for Shannon's inhalers.

JACK: What makes you think he has Shannon's inhalers?

BOONE: Oh, well, I used some pretty good logic to figure it out.

Boone is very PROUD of himself for his BRILLIANCE.

BOONE: See, the inhalers were in my suitcase with the book Watership Down, and Sawyer _has_ the book Watership Down!

JACK: I don't get it.

BOONE: He must've gotten the book from my suitcase! It's completely impossible for him to have gotten it any other way!

JACK: Oh! I see what you mean! The book couldn't have fallen out of the suitcase, for example, because that kind of stuff just doesn't happen in a plane crash!

BOONE: Exactly!

Jack and Boone are very PROUD of themselves for this COMBINED BRILLIANCE.

JACK: Well, don't worry, Boone. I will get you those inhalers!

Scene cuts to SAWYER'S TENT. JACK enters.

JACK: Sawyer! I know you have the inhalers, because you are a bad person, and thus it is always your fault when something is missing!

SAWYER: Inhalers? What the––?

JACK: Yep, inhalers. Give 'em to me.

SAWYER: I don't have––

JACK: I know you have them!

SAWYER: But I don't––

JACK: Fine! I'll just beat you up then!

SAWYER: Hah! Don't make me laugh!

KATE enters.

KATE: Don't fight! Fighting makes me upset. I'm very delicate.

JACK: I don't think you can really play the sweet pacifist female card anymore, Kate the Criminal.

KATE: Oh. Right.

JACK: I'll just stomp off and have a temper-tantrum now.

KATE: And I'm going with Jack. Because I hate you, Sawyer. A lot. And I like Jack. So there!

Looking TROUBLED, Sawyer has a FLASHBACK. He is still in the HOTEL ROOM with the RANDOM WOMAN.

RANDOM WOMAN: I think it is very odd that you are carrying around a suitcase full of money, Sawyer. I mean, who really does that besides people in movies?

SAWYER: Well, con men, for one.

RANDOM WOMAN: Con men?

SAWYER: Yeah. But I'm not one of them.

RANDOM WOMAN: Okay.

SAWYER: See, I'm doing this scam––er…investment, and I need another 160 thousand bucks, and then I can invest and the money will be tripled!

RANDOM WOMAN: Good thing you seem so honest and trustworthy, Sawyer, or I might not believe you!

SAWYER: Where, oh where, can I find 160 thousand dollars? Where, oh where––

RANDOM WOMAN: Oh my goodness! I have a totally brilliant idea! My husband can give you 160 thousand dollars!

SAWYER: Wow! I never would have thought of that! I had no idea your husband had that much money! You're so smart, Cass––I mean, Rach––I mean, Kelly––

RANDOM WOMAN: Jess.

SAWYER: Jess! Right!

Back on the ISLAND, JACK and KATE are on the BEACH.

JACK: I want to kill Sawyer! I am so macho!

KATE: Don't worry. I'll just go flirt with him, and I'm sure––

JACK: What? Flirt? Kate!

KATE: But, of course, I hate Sawyer. He is abhorrent. Odios. Detestable. Repugnant. And stinky.

JACK: Good. I am reassured.

ELSEWHERE, SAWYER is CHOPPING WOOD, as all island MEN do when they are feeling TROUBLED. As a result of this, the BEACH is often FULL of FIREWOOD. KATE approaches.

KATE: You're all sweaty, Sawyer. Maybe you should take off your shirt. Not that I _want_ you to take off your shirt. It's just a suggestion. You can keep your shirt on for all I care. Because I'm not attracted to you. At all.

SAWYER: The lady doth protest too much.

KATE: Shut up. So, what do you want for the medicine?

SAWYER: I want you to kiss me.

KATE: Ew, gross!

SAWYER: Please?

KATE: No way! You have cooties!

SAWYER: Aw, come on…just one little kiss? I'll be your boyfriend.

KATE: No…but let's have a Moment in which I attempt to uncover your secret good-heartedness.

SAWYER: Hah! Moments are for sissies!

KATE: I've seen you with that letter. I've seen the expression on your face, the hurt in your eyes, the gentleness of your fingers on the paper, the little golden hairs on your knuckles, the way you rest your tanned forearms on your knees––

SAWYER: You're creeping me out now.

KATE: Um…this is all from casual observation, of course. I mean, it's not like I watch you all the time, or anything. Anyway, the point is, I know you're actually a good person because of how you're so nice to that piece of paper.

SAWYER: How _dare_ you call me a good person! I am deeply offended! And I will _prove _that I am truly a moral cesspit!

KATE: Um…okay?

SAWYER: Here's that letter! Read it!

He GIVES her the LETTER and she begins to READ.

SAWYER: You have to read it out loud.

KATE: Why?

SAWYER: Because!

KATE: I don't want to read it out loud.

SAWYER: Well, you have to, because otherwise the audience won't know what's going on!

KATE: _Fine_.

She begins the READ the LETTER.

KATE: Dear Mr. Sawyer…sex with Mommy…stolen money…everyone dies.

SAWYER: Any questions?

KATE: Yeah. Why would someone say "dear" at the beginning of a letter like this? It would sound better if it was "Hated Mr. Sawyer" instead. Or "Despised Mr. Sawyer." Or maybe––

SAWYER: Oh, shut up and let me chop some more wood.

Scene cuts to the CAVES, where SAYID confronts LOCKE.

SAYID: I am the Human Lie Detector!

LOCKE: I thought you were the superhot genius Iraqi hero.

SAYID: Well, that too. But stop changing the subject. Where were you at five o'clock last night?

LOCKE: Um…uh…I was…erm… I was skinning a boar! Yeah, that's it! I definitely wasn't running away giggling after hitting you on the head and destroying all your vaguely electronic-looking equipment!

SAYID: Hmm…I am not sure if I believe you!

LOCKE: Uh-oh, better deflect his suspicion. I think Sawyer did it!

SAYID: Nope, Sawyer was setting off a rocket.

LOCKE: Well, Sawyer smokes. Thus, he has cigarettes. Thus, he must have used a cigarette as a slow fuse!

AUDIENCE: This episode is just full of brilliant logic like that.

SAYID: My goodness! You are clearly right! The logic is impeccable!

LOCKE: Here, have a knife as a gesture of my goodwill!

SAYID: Thanks!

Sayid MARCHES off, PROUD of his LIE-DETECTING ability.

LOCKE: Sucka.

LATER at the CAVES, SHANNON is having DIFFICULTY with BREATHING.

JACK: I am helpless to save Shannon! This makes me very distressed!

SAWYER approaches.

SAWYER: Hiya, Doc!

JACK: Don't you feel _guilty_, Sawyer? Doesn't it tear you up inside that you can help Shannon breathe and you _won't_?

SAWYER: Actually, I don't feel guilty at all because I don't even _have_––

JACK: _No_, you _don't_ feel guilty, because you're _scum_, Sawyer. And that's why I am perfectly happy to beat you up!

Jack PUNCHES Sawyer.

SAWYER: You call that a punch? I felt it, but it was like, So what?

ANGRY, Jack PUNCHES Sawyer again.

SAWYER: Again with the nose. I have a chin, you know.

JACK: I would be entirely capable of beating you up more, Sawyer, but I am too good a person for that! So there!

Jack WALKS AWAY.

SAWYER: Pansy.

He has a FLASHBACK. He is in a RESTAURANT with the RANDOM WOMAN and her HUSBAND.

SAWYER: With my scuzzy beard and slicked-back hair, I know I look completely trustworthy! Just like a used-car salesman!

HUSBAND: I am very suspicious.

SAWYER: Don't worry, David. She's got a great transmission, only 20,000 miles on her, and all at the low, low price of––

HUSBAND: What are you talking about? Are you trying to sell me a _car_?

SAWYER: Uhh…sorry.

RANDOM WOMAN: Anyway, Sawyer, why don't you tell David about the investment? The investment that I have no prior knowledge of. Because I am not a co-conspirator. And I'm not having an affair with this guy, either.

SAWYER: Yep, so, basically, you give me 160 thousand dollars and I skip tow…er, invest it. And then you get it back, times three! Magic!

RANDOM WOMAN: Yay!

HUSBAND: Hmm.

SAWYER: Time for the old reverse-psychology trick! When he sees me walking away, he won't be able to resist calling me back!

Sawyer begins to WALK AWAY.

SAWYER: One…two…three…

NOTHING HAPPENS. Sawyer TRIES AGAIN.

SAWYER: One…two…………………three.

Again, NOTHING.

SAWYER: Oh, hell with it.

He RETURNS to the TABLE.

Back on the ISLAND, CHARLIE and CLAIRE are DRYING CLOTHES.

CHARLIE: I like food! And hey, Claire, you're pregnant! Any cravings?

CLAIRE: Mmm…peanut butter!

CHARLIE: Peanut butter?

CLAIRE: Yeah. I used to have an "I Hate Vegemite" t-shirt, but it got lost in the crash.

CHARLIE: I will get you peanut butter, Claire! No struggle is too difficult or dangerous for the uber-famous Charlie Pace!

AUDIENCE: And it's another great B storyline featuring Charlie.

CHARLIE: You think this is bad? In another few seasons, there's gonna be an episode featuring me getting Hurley and Jin to help me make a Christmas present for Claire. Much hilarity and misunderstanding will ensue!

Scene cuts to the CAVES, where SHANNON is again having DIFFICULTY with BREATHING. She is surrounded by a CIRCLE of ONLOOKERS.

HURLEY: This isn't quite as entertaining as a fight, but hey, we don't have a whole lotta options.

BOONE: Jack! Jack, she's not breathing. Jack, she needs her inhaler. Jack, what are we gonna do? Jack––

JACK: Boone! Go and get me a pen!

BOONE: Okay!

He DASHES off.

JACK: Now don't worry, Shannon, I'm gonna use my Superman powers to save you.

SHANNON: Wheeze.

JACK: I want you to breathe. Do you understand? Wheeze once for yes, twice for no.

SHANNON: Wheeze wheeze snort gasp wheeze!

JACK: What? That's not what I––

SAYID: I think she said, "I can't breathe, I have asthma, you freakin' idiot."

JACK: Oh. Well then, I'll just…get some peroxide.

Jack LEAVES quickly. Sayid FOLLOWS him.

SAYID: Can I torture Sawyer? Can I torture Sawyer? Can I can I can I?

JACK: Well…

SAYID: Pleeeease?

JACK: Fine.

SAYID: Oh boy! Thanks, Jack!

JACK: Man, I'm so cool. No one can do anything on this island without my permission!

Somewhere in the JUNGLE, CHARLIE and HURLEY are WALKING.

CHARLIE: You've got some peanuts, right? I know you've got some peanuts!

HURLEY: Mmm…nope.

CHARLIE: Come on, a couple episodes ago you were fighting with Sawyer about peanuts!

HURLEY: Dude, that was like _four_ episodes ago. They're all gone now. Maybe you should go ask Sawyer.

CHARLIE: No way! I'm not a bloody idiot!

HURLEY: Well, you could ask Kate to ask Sawyer.

CHARLIE: No, Kate ignores me most of the time now.

HURLEY: Well, you could ask Jack to ask Kate to ask Sawyer.

CHARLIE: Jack's been avoiding me. Dunno why. After I saved him from the cave-in we were like best mates, I even played him a medley of Driveshaft songs, but after that he started running away whenever he saw me.

HURLEY: Really.

CHARLIE: Speaking of Driveshaft, have you seen my guitar?

HURLEY: Guitar? Nope.

CHARLIE: Every time I turn my back on it, it seems to disappear. But then it usually turns up behind some rock or other.

HURLEY: No kidding.

CHARLIE: Yeah. It's starting to depress me. But anyway…you're fat!

HURLEY: Really? And did you know Claire's pregnant?

Back at the CAVES, MICHAEL is attempting to GUT a FISH with a HUGE ROCK.

MICHAEL: Hey, this was the smallest rock I could find, okay?

The fish EXPLODES over Michael. SUN approaches.

SUN: This is a good time to talk to Michael about something important! Michael, I need you to go find a plant for me. Obviously I can't do it myself.

MICHAEL: What's it look like?

SUN: It's green.

Scene cuts to SAWYER'S TENT. Sawyer is SLEEPING. He WAKES UP. SAYID is standing in FRONT of him.

SAWYER: Sayid! You been watchin' me sleep, man? You and Kate are both starting to creep me out.

SAYID: I was just waiting for you to wake up so I could knock you out!

SAWYER: Well, that makes sen––

Sayid BASHES Sawyer with a PIPE. With JACK'S HELP, he DRAGS Sawyer into the JUNGLE. KATE approaches.

KATE: Guys, you can't torture Sawyer!

SAYID: And why not?

KATE: Because––because––

JACK: It's not like you _like_ him or anything, Kate.

KATE: Of course not! But it's wrong to torture people!

JACK: Well, it's wrong to kill people too, but that didn't stop _you_ from doing it, did it Kate?

KATE: I really wish you would stop using that whole murdering fugitive thing against me.

Deep in the JUNGLE, JACK and SAYID have TIED SAWYER to a TREE.

SAWYER: Ooooh, I'm scared.

JACK: You should be scared! I can be deadly with my peroxide, you know! Now gimme the inhalers, Sawyer!

SAWYER: I _told_ you, I don't _have_ the freakin'––

JACK: Fine! Be that way! Torture him, Sayid!

SAYID: Torture! My favorite!

Sayid TORTURES Sawyer by sticking BAMBOO under his FINGERNAILS. This UPSETS Jack greatly.

JACK: Stop!

SAWYER: Pansy.

SAYID: Tell us where the medicine is, Sawyer, or I will squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Does that sound nice?

SAWYER: No. Not particularly.

SAYID: Actually, it's quite good on toast.

SAWYER: Really? What kind of toast? Pumpernickel? Rye?

JACK: Sayid! Get on with it!

SAYID: Right! The medicine!

JACK: Tell us where it is, or else!

SAWYER: _Fine_! But I'll only tell…_her_.

JACK: Who? Shannon?

SAWYER: No.

JACK: Claire? Sun?

SAWYER: _No_.

JACK: …Shelob?

SAWYER: Kate, you asshat!

Sawyer has a FLASHBACK. He is in a POOL HALL with a POOL HALL GUY.

POOL HALL GUY: The basic gist here is that I'm a fierce loan shark-type, and Sawyer borrowed money from me to run his scam. Get it?

SAWYER: Keep your shirt on, you'll get your money back.

POOL HALL GUY: Threaten menace menace threaten.

SAWYER: I'm picking it up tomorrow!

POOL HALL GUY: You'd better. Otherwise I will loom threateningly over you some more.

Back on the ISLAND, KATE arrives in the JUNGLE.

KATE: Gimme the medicine, Sawyer.

SAWYER: You gotta kiss me first.

KATE: Dammit, Sawyer! What the hell's wrong with you?

SAWYER: I've just been tortured. And now I'll be damned if I don't get some action out of it!

KATE: Fine. I'll kiss you. But I still hate you. And you smell.

Kate KNEELS down, looking very TROUBLED.

KATE: Alas, alas, woe is me, I must kiss Sawyer. My life is utterly terrible in every way.

She KISSES him. A LOT. For a LONG TIME.

KATE: Well, that was the worst kiss ever!

SAWYER: Right.

KATE: I hate you!

SAWYER: Right.

KATE: Oh yeah…the medicine. Where is is?

SAWYER: Oh, that. Yeah, I don't have it.

KATE: What! Now I hate you even more!

She HITS him, and STORMS off.

SAWYER: Come back! I'm still tied to the damn tree!

Kate tells JACK and SAYID that Sawyer DOESN'T HAVE the MEDICINE.

SAYID: No! He is lying! I am the Human Lie Detector! Sawyer is evil! He is responsible for every bad thing that happens on the island! It _must_ have been him who destroyed my vaguely electronic-looking equipment! Even though he had just shot off a rocket two kilometers away! He must have used a cigarette to make a slow fuse! And he timed the fuse so that the rocket would shoot off at exactly the right time!

JACK: Don't you think you're reaching a litte there, Sayid?

SAYID: No! Because I am a superhot genius! I am always right!

KATE: Hang on…didn't you say the transceiver was receiving a signal? That means it was working, right? That means Sawyer must have been there to switch on his antenna, right?

SAYID: La la la, I'm not listening, I'm not listening!

Sayid RUNS back to SAWYER, brandishing his KNIFE. But Sawyer, who has gotten his HANDS FREE, TACKLES Sayid. They FIGHT. Sayid sticks his KNIFE into Sawyer's ARM.

SAYID: I didn't mean to! I was attacking him with a knife, but I didn't want to hurt him!

JACK: Sayid! Go get my peroxide!

SAYID: It was a mistake, Jack! Please don't put me in time-out!

JACK: Go!

Sayid RUNS off to the CAVES, where he meets BOONE.

BOONE: Hey, I've got that pen!

SAYID: What?

BOONE: Pen! Jack told me to go get a pen! I'll come with you so I can give it to him!

SAYID: Uhhh…

SHANNON: Boone (wheeze), don't (wheeze) leave me (wheeze).

BOONE: Of course, Shannon! I will stay by your side!

SAYID: I will pause to gaze upon this touching brother-sister scene. Even though Sawyer is dying somewhere in the jungle.

Eventually, Sayid RUNS off with Jack's BAND-AIDS and PEROXIDE. He PASSES a very STRANGE-LOOKING BUSH.

STRANGE-LOOKING BUSH: No, it's me, Michael. I brought back all the green plants I could find.

SUN approaches.

SUN: Oh, good! Now let's see…

She RUMMAGES through Michael's PLANTS.

SUN: Here it is!

JIN approaches.

JIN: I don't believe you! First you steal my watch, now you try to steal my wife!

MICHAEL: Yeah, you suck too.

Scene cuts to JACK, SAWYER, KATE, and SAYID in the JUNGLE.

SAWYER: I hate everyone. Especially Jack.

JACK: Well, I hate you too. But I can't let you die. Because I'm Superman!

SAWYER: Yeah, well…I made out with Kate! Ha ha!

SAYID: What? Sawyer…

JACK: What? Kate…

Sawyer has a FLASHBACK. He is in the HOUSE of the RANDOM WOMAN and her HUSBAND.

SAWYER: So, thanks for the money! Now I'll just skip tow…er, invest it.

RANDOM WOMAN: Yay!

HUSBAND: I am still slightly suspicious!

A BOY appears.

SAWYER: Woah…I had no idea this woman had a son! Even though I could have easily found out, and thus not picked her for my mark in the first place!

HUSBAND: Anything wrong?

SAWYER: Well, besides the fact that your son reminds me of my own horrifically tragic past, no. Deal's off.

RANDOM WOMAN: Is this another reverse-psychology trick?

HUSBAND: You can't call off the deal! I demand you take this money! I demand you rip me off!

SAWYER: Sorry, no can do. I must stride away dramatically!

Back on the ISLAND, SAWYER is ASLEEP in his TENT with a BANDAGED ARM. He WAKES UP, to find KATE sitting by his BED.

SAWYER: Dammit! Now _you're_ watching me sleep, too!

KATE: I'm trying to figure you out, Sawyer. I'm trying to figure out why you pretended to have Shannon's inhalers when you really didn't.

SAWYER: I tried to tell Jack about a thousand times that I didn't have them, but he kept interrupting me!

KATE: Oh. Well, he does tend to do that. Um…

SAWYER: Hey, why do you have my letter? Did you take that out of my pocket while I was asleep?

KATE: Um…yes. Anyway…I made the shocking discovery that _you_ wrote this letter!

SAWYER: Oh, yeah. Didn't I tell you that?

KATE: No!

SAWYER: Yep. A con man destroyed my life, and then I became a con man.

Oh, the IRONY.

KATE: And how does that make you _feel_?

SAWYER: Like crap!

KATE: Had any interesting dreams lately?

SAWYER: Yeah, there was this one… I was out in a boat on a lake with Sayid, and there were all these white birds in the water. Then it started raining–– Hang on a sec, why are you asking about my dreams?

KATE: Sorry. Never mind. I'll just be going.

Scene cuts to the CAVES, where SUN is rubbing GUNK on SHANNON'S CHEST. JACK and BOONE approach.

JACK: Nice work, Sun! You're doing a great job applying that mixture I made!

SUN: What? No, I––

JACK: I saved Shannon, everyone!

SUN: Actually, _I_ saved––

JACK: You can't speak English! You can't contradict me!

BOONE: Thanks for saving my sister, Jack! I worship you! I fall down and lick your feet in my abject––

JACK: All in a day's work!

SUN: Bastard.

Scene cuts to the BEACH, where CLAIRE is RESTING. CHARLIE approaches.

CHARLIE: I come bearing peanut butter!

CLAIRE: _Really_?

CHARLIE: Yeah!

CLAIRE: Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! Peanut butter! I love peanut butter!

Charlie brings out an EMPTY JAR.

CHARLIE: Here it is!

CLAIRE: This is a joke, right?

CHARLIE: Huh?

CLAIRE: I mean, you do have a _real_ jar of peanut butter, right?

CHARLIE: This _is_ a real jar of peanut butter! It's so extra-creamy that it's invisible!

CLAIRE: You bastard! I thought you had peanut butter! You got my hopes up for nothing!

CHARLIE: But Claire…this was supposed to be an incredibly sweet and romantic gesture!

CLAIRE: Well, for future reference, Charlie, girls don't like getting invisible presents!

CHARLIE: Oh. Okay. I guess that's why Linda wouldn't marry me when I gave her that invisible engagement ring.

ELSEWHERE on the BEACH, KATE is STANDING by the OCEAN, looking TROUBLED. SAYID approaches.

SAYID: I'm leaving!

KATE: To go where?

SAYID: Oh, you know…see what's out there. There could be a beach resort on the other side of the island, for all we know!

KATE: Yeah…or there could be a freakin' _monster_.

SAYID: I'm the superhot genius Iraqi hero! I can handle a monster! Anyway, the real monster is inside myself.

KATE: Huh?

SAYID: Once, many years ago, I swore I would never torture anyone again. But I broke that promise. Then, I swore it again. But again, I broke the promise. Then I made a final, solemn vow that I would never torture again. I broke that one as well. But _this_ time it is going to stick! I can feel it!

KATE: Okay, well…good luck.

Sayid STRIDES away. ELSEWHERE on the BEACH, CLAIRE is MOVING to the CAVES.

CHARLIE: But Claire, why are you moving? You said you would only move if I brought you peanut butter, and I didn't!

CLAIRE: I'm just moving to the caves to get away from you.

CHARLIE: But Claire…I _live_ at the caves.

CLAIRE: You _do_? Damn.

SAWYER is SITTING with his LETTER and a LIGHTER on the BEACH.

SAWYER: Hm, I would set it on fire…but it's so useful as a sympathy device to attract hot chicks!

KATE: I'm not attracted to you! And I'm not spying on you from the jungle, either!

-LOST-

* * *

AN: So I'm a day late with this update...but it turned out a lot longer than I thought it would be, the longest yet. I hope that means it's good. :D Having to mock Sayid was very traumatizing; I had to compensate by taking out Jack's "Jedi moment" and then making him claim credit for Shannon's cure. And Sawyer's dream is meant to be a scene from the The Notebook. Oh yes, and I am now beginning to mock Sayid for his lack of contraction usage. He hardly ever uses them. He would never say a casual "My name's Sayid Jarrah, and I'm a torturer." No, for him it's gotta be "My _name is_ Sayid Jarrah, and _I am_ a torturer." Basically, Sayid makes contractions look uncool. 

In other news, I saw Pirates this weekend, and it was _good_! I noticed Kelvin/Joe in the preview for that Guardian movie with Ashton Kutcher, and I was like, It's KELVIN! and my friends were like, Enh? Also, a wig-less, scruffy Norrington looks kind of like...Desmond. And Desmond is damn sexy. So anyway, you should see Pirates.

Oh yeah, and Henry Ian Cusick got an Emmy nod! Yay for him, hope he wins. Complete crap that Lost didn't get a Best Drama nomination. The second season might not have been as good as the first, but that doesn't mean it wasn't brilliant anyway. Ah well, at least Matthew Fox didn't get nominated. But Michael Emerson was robbed, the writers should have put him in less episodes so he could have qualified as a guest actor like HIC. 'Cause Fenry is definitely my favorite S2 character. Well, except for Ana, but she's dead. Yes, against all probability, I actually _like_ Ana Lucia. I know she's a sneering, bitchy, trigger-happy jerk of a character, but I like her anyway. I was so upset when she died, I named a new stuffed animal after her. I'll probably name things after Sawyer and Desmond too eventually. But not Sayid. That would be, like, sacreligious.

Oh, and please...review.


	9. Episode 9: Solitary

Episode Nine:  
Solitary, _or_ In which the superhot genius Iraqi hero at long last gets his own well-deserved episode! Not that I'm biased or anything.

* * *

Scene opens on SAYID, who is SITTING on the BEACH and looking SAD. 

SAYID: I'm not _sad_. I'm _wistful_.

Looking WISTFUL, as he stares at his PHOTOGRAPHS.

SAYID: Pet pet, covet covet. I'm such a sensitive bloke! That's why I have these long, pretty fingernails. Plus, I'm wearing a different wife-beater today! It's the one that _doesn't_ have Sawyer's blood on it.

Then Sayid SPOTS SOMETHING in the SAND.

SAYID: Sure is lucky I stopped to rest at this exact spot on the beach!

He discovers that the something is a STRANGE CABLE.

SAYID: It doesn't occur to me to wonder why this cable leads into the ocean, or what it could possibly be connected to out there, but I'll gladly follow it into the mysterious deadly jungle!

Scene cuts to the BEACH CAMP, where JACK is DOCTORING SAWYER.

SAWYER: Will you get away from me? I can change my own damn bandages!

JACK: No you_ can't_, Sawyer, it is much too difficult for anyone but me to do it!

SAWYER: I hate everyone!

JACK: Well, good, 'cause everyone hates you too.

SAWYER: Yeah, well…I made out with Kate! Ha ha!

JACK: How dare you mention Kate! I am so angry I will stalk away from you!

SAWYER: Finally.

Jack finds KATE on the BEACH.

KATE: Alas, alas, woe is me, I am most concerned about Sayid!

JACK: Why? You didn't let him brush your hair, did you?

Kate SIGHS in EXASPERATION.

KATE: No, Jack. Oh yeah, and I'm angry at you for torturing Sawyer!

JACK: It was an accident!

KATE: Right. You just _accidently_ knocked Sawyer out, _accidentally_ tied him to a tree, and _accidentally_ stuck bamboo under his fingernails.

JACK: Hold on a second. You're mad at _me_ for torturing Sawyer, but Sayid was the one who did the actual torturing, and him, you're worried about?

KATE: Uh…yeah.

JACK: Hmph. I hope Sayid gets caught in a trap and TORTURED! That'd show him! Kate's supposed to be worshipping _me_, not pining over Sayid!

Scene cuts to SAYID in the JUNGLE, still following the CABLE. He spots a BOOBY TRAP.

SAYID: I see a booby trap! Luckily I am so smart I will step over the booby trap!

He DOES SO.

SAYID: I have evaded the booby trap! I wonder if there will be any more booby traps!

AUDIENCE: Dude…would you stop saying booby trap?

SAYID: I will have to watch out for more booby tra––

He gets CAUGHT in a BOOBY TRAP.

SAYID: …Crap.

-LOST-

Scene opens on SAYID, HANGING in the BOOBY TRAP in the DARK.

SAYID: 816 bottles of beer on the wall, 816 bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, 815 bottles of beer on the wall! 815 bottles of beer on the wall, 815 bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around––

A MYSTERIOUS SOMEONE approaches and CUTS him DOWN.

MYSTERIOUS SOMEONE: Stop singing, dammit!

Back at the CAVE CAMP, JACK is DOCTORING the REDSHIRT SULLIVAN.

SULLIVAN: I have a rash. I'm all sweaty. I'm hungry. My wife is probably having an affair back in the real world. There's a monster in the jungle. I'm about 200 times more likely to die than one of the real characters. And to top it all off, I get paid way, way less!

JACK: Stop moaning. Let me put this peroxide on your back.

SULLIVAN: OW! Peroxide doesn't cure everything, you know!

JACK: Uh-oh, he's on to me. Yes it does! Of course it does! But only when expertly applied by a trained doctor! See, there you go! All cured!

SULLIVAN: What? But I can still see the––

JACK: I _said_, all cured! Bye-bye now!

Sullivan LEAVES. HURLEY approaches.

JACK: Ha ha, what a funny guy, right? There isn't really anything wrong with him! He's just a hypochondriac!

HURLEY: Dude, that's what you said when Charlie got that cut on his foot. And when that rock fell on Michael's fingers. And when––

JACK: Note to self: Stop using the hypochondriac explanation as an excuse for poor medical skills.

HURLEY: Anyway, dude, I was thinking about how boring it is around here. And I thought it would be a good idea to have some entertainment.

JACK: We already _have_ a backgammon board. How much more entertainment do we need?

HURLEY: So I decided to build an X-box!

JACK: And X-box? Hurley, that's ridiculous. It'll never work. For one thing, what are you going to hook it up to?

HURLEY: Oh yeah. Well, guess I'll have to think of something else.

Scene cuts to SAYID, who is STRAPPED to a BED in an UNDERGROUND BUNKER.

SAYID: Uh-oh. I hope I haven't been captured by some kind of nymphomaniac.

FRENCH CHICK: Who, me? No way! I'm French!

SAYID: Damn French.

FRENCH CHICK: Oh yeah! Hey, where's Alex?

SAYID: Enh?

FRENCH CHICK: Where is Alex? Donde esta Alex? Where is Alex? Voulez-vouz couchec––

SAYID: Hey! That doesn't mean "where is Alex"!

FRENCH CHICK: Damn. I was hoping you wouldn't notice. Well, let me torture you with electric shocks!

And the TORTURER becomes the TORTURED.

SAYID: I would probably appreciate the irony if I weren't so busy being in pain.

Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. SAYID is HITTING a RANDOM GUY in an INTERROGATION ROOM.

SAYID: I can speak Arabic! At least, I think it's Arabic. It might be something else.

AUDIENCE: Oh boy. Subtitles.

SAYID: And now that it has been established that Arabic is the language we speak here, I am going to switch to English instead! Although to remind people that we actually speak another language, I will continue to avoid the use of contractions!

LATER, SAYID and his SUPERIOR OFFICER OMAR are OUTSIDE at the ARMY BASE.

OMAR: I have a Generic Middle Eastern Name!

SAYID: So, did I pass the test? Can I be a real torturer, Omar? Can I can I can I?

OMAR: Well…

SAYID: Pleeease?

OMAR: Okay.

SAYID: Oh boy! I heart torture!

Then, Sayid sees the WOMAN from his PHOTOGRAPHS walk by.

SAYID: Hm, she is pretty hot. I hope she is not a childhood friend whom I will be forced to torture in an intriguing plot twist!

Back on the ISLAND at the CAVES, HURLEY is sitting by a FIRE. LOCKE and ETHAN approach with some LUGGAGE.

ETHAN: I'm a very normal guy. Normal, normal, normal. Not at all creepy or suspicious.

LOCKE: We found this stuff in the jungle. You should look through it.

HURLEY: Yeah, okay. Claire doesn't have much to do, maybe she––

ETHAN: Claire? The pregnant girl? Where is she? How is she? How's the baby?

HURLEY: Uhh…

ETHAN: I'm only wondering in a completely non-suspicious, unthreatening way, of course.

HURLEY: If you're obsessed with Claire, you're not alone. Maybe you and Charlie could start, like…a club. Claire Obsessives Anonymous or something. And your motto could be, We have an unhealthy obsession with pregnant women and we're not afraid to show it! Yeah, dude, I'm sure Charlie would be way into it.

LOCKE: Charlie? Who's that?

HURLEY: Short, hobbit-looking dude with fuzzy hair?

LOCKE: Oh! You mean Chico.

LATER, WALT approaches LOCKE while MICHAEL is SLEEPING.

WALT: Mr. Locke, my daddy says you're a child molester. Is that true?

LOCKE: Hah! No way! The monster is way prettier–– I mean, there's no monster. No monster at all.

MICHAEL: Even though I was fast asleep a minute ago, my spidey-sense has woken me up because Walt is in the company of a child molester! Get back to bed, Walt!

WALT: I don't _have_ a bed. I have a hard piece of rocky ground.

Nevertheless, he RETURNS to his PIECE of GROUND.

LOCKE: _My_ monster.

HURLEY finds some GOLF CLUBS in the LUGGAGE.

HURLEY: Hey, this gives me a great idea! I'm gonna use these golf clubs for a-scratchin' mah back!

Scene cuts to SAYID in the underground BUNKER.

SAYID: I don't heart torture anymore.

FRENCH CHICK: I am hostile!

SAYID: I was just looking for the French woman who sent out the distress call! Do you know where she is?

FRENCH CHICK: I'm her, you idjit!

SAYID: Oh. Right.

FRENCH CHICK: Now let me speak in French for approximately .0000011 seconds, just so my identity as French is cemented!

The French chick MOVES into the LIGHT.

SAYID: Ew.

FRENCH CHICK: Gimme a break, okay? It's been freakin' sixteen years!

The French chick BASHES Sayid for NO apparent REASON. LATER, Sayid WAKES UP.

FRENCH CHICK: I'm going through your backpack! Ha ha!

SAYID: I see the name Rousseau written on a jacket!

FRENCH CHICK: That's my name! It's my "Team Rousseau" jacket. My whole family has them! Or they did. Before they all _died_.

SAYID: That's funny! We've got a Locke on the other side of the island! Maybe you guys should get together?

FRENCH CHICK: No! I am still hostile! And I know you are evil!

SAYID: No! I am _not_––

FRENCH CHICK: Sayid?

SAYID: Well, yes, okay, I _am_ Sayid, but I am _not_––

FRENCH CHICK: Tall?

SAYID: Shut up! I'm very sensitive about my height! Hey, wait a second. How did you know my––

FRENCH CHICK: Political affiliation?

SAYID: Stop finishing my sentences!

FRENCH CHICK: I found these pictures in your backpack.

SAYID: Grr. Get your grubby hands off my beautiful Nadia!

Sayid has a FLASHBACK. He is TALKING with OMAR.

OMAR: Basically, in an intriguing plot twist you are being forced to torture a childhood friend!

SAYID: Damn it.

He WALKS into the INTERROGATION ROOM.

SAYID: You'd better tell me what I want to hear, or I will torture you! Actually, I'll probably torture you anyway! Because I heart torture!

NADIA: How can you torture me, Sayid? I used to push you in the mud!

SAYID: And it was very demeaning! It gave me all these inferiority issues and basically screwed me up for life!

NADIA: Oh. Sorry.

SAYID: But you can't push me in the mud now! Because I'm a super bad-ass soldier! Boo-yah!

NADIA: You've been watching too much American television, Sayid.

SAYID: Right, okay, let's get back on-topic. Torture. Torture is the topic.

NADIA: I want to talk about our childhood!

SAYID: Oh, no, I see what you're doing here! You think that if you remind me of our childhood friendship, I won't be able to torture you! Well, you're wrong! Did you miss the part where I said I was bad-ass now? Now tell me what I want to hear! Or else!

NADIA: Bah! I'm bad-ass too!

SAYID: Wow. That's hot.

NADIA: Now let me instill in you the first seeds of doubt about the evil regime you are supporting!

SAYID: Hot damn you're sexy.

Back on the ISLAND, the FRENCH CHICK is EXAMINING SAYID.

FRENCH CHICK: So…I see you have a bullet wound. In your thigh. Do you have any other bullet wounds I should see? Maybe any further up on your legs?

SAYID: No. Definitely not.

FRENCH CHICK: Bugger. New strategy. Tell me about Nadia. Any hot action between you two?

SAYID: Um, no.

FRENCH CHICK: Come on! Tell me! It's been sixteen years, I need to get some kicks!

SAYID: No. You're weird.

Meanwhile, at the CAVE CAMP, MICHAEL is presumably doing something IMPORTANT with a STICK and a NOTEBOOK.

WALT: These caves are boring! I wanna move to the beach!

MICHAEL: We _used_ to live on the beach. You thought it was boring, remember?

WALT: I just like complaining.

HURLEY is RUMMAGING through some LUGGAGE.

HURLEY: Those golf clubs didn't work that well as back scratchers…but then I had another idea! Use them as walking sticks! All this walking has been murder on my feet and knees.

He FINDS some GOLF BALLS.

HURLEY: Hey, I can use these to massage my feet! I am so resourceful about finding ways to keep entertained on this island!

Back in the BUNKER…

FRENCH CHICK: In case you think I'm starting to trust you, I am still hostile! Grr, grr, suspicion, suspicion.

SAYID: I'm just a poor, innocent victim of a plane crash! I've never done anything wrong in my life!

FRENCH CHICK: Then why did you leave the other survivors?

SAYID: Er…that's not important. I was a victim. Yes, definitely a victim.

FRENCH CHICK: What about Nadia?

SAYID: Oh, her again. Yeah, she's kinda dead.

FRENCH CHICK: I will pretend to be sympathetic but really I just want an excuse to touch you! Stroke stroke, pet pet pet.

SAYID: Umm…could you not do that, please? It's kinda freaking me out.

FRENCH CHICK: What's wrong? Aren't you attracted to me?

SAYID: Uhh…

FRENCH CHICK: Come on, cut me some slack. You're the first man I've seen in sixteen years! And you're all sweaty and strapped to a bed!

SAYID: Yep, I'm a stud muffin, all right.

Back at the CAVE CAMP, MICHAEL is showing JACK his NOTEBOOK.

MICHAEL: I figured out how to make an X-box!

JACK: Michael, I already had this conversation with Hurley. We wouldn't be able to use an X-box. There's no TV to hook it up to!

MICHAEL: Oh, yeah. Gosh, good thing we have you here to be the smart one!

CHARLIE approaches.

CHARLIE: Guys!

MICHAEL: Jack, do you think you could take a look at my finger?

CHARLIE: Hey! Guys!

MICHAEL: I mean, it's kind of turning funny colors and I can't move it.

CHARLIE: Are you listening to me?

MICHAEL: I think it might be broken. Could you put it in a splint or something?

JACK: Uhh…no, it's fine. Just your imagination. Here, have some peroxide.

CHARLIE: HEY! I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU!

MICHAEL: No need to shout, man, we're right here.

CHARLIE: Finally! Listen––

MICHAEL: Anyway, Jack, I really don't think my finger needs peroxide.

JACK: Of course it does! Everything needs some peroxide!

CHARLIE: Everyone ignores me. I'm so bloody depressed!

MICHAEL: Where did you say you went to medical school?

JACK: It was at, ah…University of…thingummy–– Charlie! My good friend Charlie! What do you want?

CHARLIE: Finally! Come with me!

Jack and Michael FOLLOW Charlie to HURLEY'S GOLF COURSE.

HURLEY: I was just walking along the path to the beach, using a golf stick as a cane, and I stopped to massage my foot with this golf ball, you know? Well, I accidentally knocked the ball with the club, and it went rolling along the ground, and then it hit me!

CHARLIE: What did, the golf ball?

HURLEY: No! The idea!

CHARLIE: What idea?

HURLEY: The idea to build a golf course, of course!

CHARLIE: What golf course?

HURLEY: Charlie, stop being an idiot.

JACK: It's a terrible idea, Hurley. Nobody's gonna care about your golf course.

HURLEY: No! I will make an impassioned speech! We need entertainment! And we all know golf is the most entertaining sport ever!

In the BUNKER, the FRENCH CHICK has brought out a MUSIC BOX.

FRENCH CHICK: My music box is broken. Alas, alas, woe is me. If only there were someone who could fix my music box. If only, if only. Oh, how I wish there were some strong, smart soldier type here who could fix it. If only––

SAYID: Hey! _I_ could fix your music box!

FRENCH CHICK: Really? Good idea! I'll just inject you with a mysterious substance first!

At the GOLF COURSE, MICHAEL and JACK are TALKING about something that appears to be very SERIOUS.

JACK: Serious serious serious!

MICHAEL: Serious serious serious!

It turns out they are TALKING about GOLF. This is supposed to be FUNNY.

WRITERS: Ha ha! We made a funny!

HURLEY: Me and Charlie are still funny, too!

CHARLIE: We're a double act! Our new show is called "Lost on an Island: Charlie and Hurley perform exotic dance moves for your pleasure!"

Jack is about to SWING when REDSHIRT SULLIVAN appears.

SULLIVAN: My rash is now the size of a grape! A _big_ grape!

JACK: Uhh…

SULLIVAN: Hey, golf! That's great! Can I play?

JACK: It is great, isn't it? It was my idea.

HURLEY: Actually, it was _my_––

JACK: It's really amazing what you can do with some peroxide and a little creativity.

Back in the BUNKER, SAYID is now SLUMPED in a CHAIR with his LEGS CHAINED. He WAKES UP.

FRENCH CHICK: Hello.

SAYID: Were you watching me sleep?

FRENCH CHICK: No!

SAYID: Were you molesting me in my sleep?

FRENCH CHICK: No! Well, yes. But not very much. Just some stroking and petting.

SAYID: This is fairly disturbing.

FRENCH CHICK: Now fix my music box!

SAYID: What's the magic word?

FRENCH CHICK: Abracadabra!

SAYID: No.

FRENCH CHICK: Bippity bobbity boo?

SAYID: No.

FRENCH CHICK: Kazaam?

SAYID: Yes. That one.

FRENCH CHICK: My name's Danielle!

SAYID: Okay, good for you.

FRENCH CHICK: I was on a science team! We crashed here!

SAYID: Yeah. Great.

FRENCH CHICK: I will now be mysterious and vaguely creepy!

SAYID: Perfect.

FRENCH CHICK: There was this sickness, and my whole team died! Except for me! Because I was somehow immune! And now, I will establish the major plotline for the rest of the series. Others! OTHERS! OOOOOTHEEEERS!

SAYID: What? Others?

FRENCH CHICK: Yep. Others. Hey! Don't look at me like that! I am not crazy!

SAYID: No, of _course_ not…

Sayid has a FLASHBACK. He enters a CELL where NADIA is lying.

SAYID: I brought you some falafel!

NADIA: What?

SAYID: Okay, okay, it's just tough old bread, but you can _pretend_ it's falafel.

NADIA: Banter, banter.

SAYID: You can't banter with me! I'm a bad-ass soldier! Now tell me what I want to hear!

NADIA: …No.

SAYID: Damn, woman! Pretty soon I'm gonna stop being nice!

Back on the ISLAND, SHANNON is lying on the BEACH in a BIKINI.

SHANNON: Look at me, I'm so hot!

AUDIENCE: How many bikinis does she _have_?

SHANNON: Oh, you know…the normal amount. About 15, 16. Maybe 23.

BOONE approaches.

BOONE: There's a golf course! And Jack is having fun!

KATE: Having fun? That doesn't sound like him! Are you sure he's not putting peroxide on anything that moves?

BOONE: He's not!

KATE: How about taking credit for other people's accomplishments?

BOONE: No–– Well, yeah, he probably _is_ still doing that. Let's go watch!

SHANNON: Okay! It'll give me a chance to show off my bikini!

They LEAVE.

SAWYER: Hey, I'm a funny person too! Charlie even tried to convince me to join his little comedy act, but I just told him to go back to stalking Claire.

KATE: I am concerned about you, Sawyer! Concerned!

SAWYER: I thought you hated me?

KATE: Oh, I do. Definitely. But this episode I'm concerned about everyone.

SAWYER: I see.

At the BUNKER, SAYID has FIXED the MUSIC BOX.

SAYID: Just another case of smartness from the superhot genius Iraqi hero. All in a day's work!

FRENCH CHICK: I looooove you! I will reward you with some more stroking!

SAYID: …You're freaky. Can I leave now?

FRENCH CHICK: No! You must stay here and be my love slave! Just call me Calypso!

SAYID: Ew. Gag. Retch.

FRENCH CHICK: You're hurting my feelings.

Suddenly, there are loud NOISES from OUTSIDE.

FRENCH CHICK: Well, that can't be good. I'm just going to go see what it is! You stay there! Don't move! Don't leave! Don't steal my guns or my maps!

SAYID: Don't worry! I won't!

She LEAVES. Sayid has a FLASHBACK. He is TALKING with OMAR.

OMAR: In another intriguing plot twist, you must execute your childhood friend and current romantic interest!

SAYID: That is so not cool.

OMAR: That's not a problem, is it, Sayid? Hmm? You're not falling in love with her or anything, are you? She's not poisoning your mind against the regime you serve?

SAYID: No way! I am one bad-ass soldier!

OMAR: Yeah, you keep saying that. I heard you shouting it in the mess hall the other day. I think you've been watching too much American television.

SAYID: But I like it! I watched "Pimp My Ride" yesterday!

LATER, SAYID opens the door to NADIA'S CELL and gives her some BLACK CLOTH.

NADIA: Oh no! It's…the black cloth!

SAYID: I am tortured within at the thought of killing you! It is metaphorical torture, but torture nonetheless!

Back on the ISLAND, SAYID FREES himself, then STEALS the French chick's GUNS and MAPS.

SAYID: Pilfer, pilfer, pilfer!

He FORGETS his PHOTOGRAPHS.

NADIA: Noooo! Don't leave me here with the crazy French lady!

SAYID: La la la!

He LEAVES. Meanwhile, back at the GOLF COURSE, JACK has just taken a SWING amidst a circle of ONLOOKERS.

JACK: I'm good at golf, too! Just like I'm good at everything else! Go figure!

CHARLIE: I really hate that guy.

KATE approaches, while HURLEY ATTEMPTS to GOLF.

HURLEY: Of course I'm terrible at golf, because I'm the fat comic relief!

CHARLIE: I'm terrible too, because I'm the skinny comic relief!

KATE: So, Jack, who came up with the golf course idea?

JACK: Me! Of course!

KATE: Of course.

JACK: I'm just so good at making everyone feel safe, you know?

KATE: Yep.

Meanwhile, CHARLIE is trying to SHOW HURLEY how to GOLF properly.

CHARLIE: I'll just put my arms around you like this, and––

HURLEY: Dude! I know I kind of look pregnant, but I am _not_ Claire. So don't be getting all freaky-obsessive on me.

CHARLIE: Sorry. Sorry. I just haven't seen Claire all episode. I'm starting to go into withdrawal or something.

WALT approaches MICHAEL.

WALT: I'm just here to complain some more! You left me all alone! Boo-hoo!

MICHAEL: Yeah, yeah. When I was ten, I had to work two full-time jobs to support my little sisters!

The REMAINDER of this SCENE only serves to FURTHER POUND IT INTO OUR SKULLS that Michael and Walt have NO RELATIONSHIP.

WRITER #1: Think they get it yet?

WRITER #2: I'm just worried about the small percentage of deaf or blind viewers. They might be missing out on some of the important subtext.

Deep in the JUNGLE, SAYID is ESCAPING. He is being FOLLOWED by the FRENCH CHICK.

FRENCH CHICK: I told him not to escape or steal my maps and guns! And what does he go out and do? Steal my maps and guns! Bastard!

Sayid SNEAKS up BEHIND her.

SAYID: Boo!

FRENCH CHICK: Let's engage in a tense psychological stand-off!

SAYID: Just a sec. I need to have a flashback first.

He has a FLASHBACK. He is with NADIA, who is HANDCUFFED and being escorted by TWO GUARDS. They reach a DOOR.

SAYID: Okay, guards! You can leave now!

GUARD #1: Why?

SAYID: Because I said so.

GUARD #2: We don't want to leave!

SAYID: I hear there's a rerun of "Three's Company" showing in the rec room!

GUARD #1: "Three's Company"! Oh boy!

GUARD #2: Let's go!

They LEAVE hastily.

SAYID: Now that they're taken care off, I can free you! There's a WonderBread truck outside this door! Go and hide in it!

NADIA: WonderBread?

SAYID: Yes, WonderBread. I like to use it in bread casserole.

NADIA: Oh, Sayid!

SAYID: Oh, Nadia!

AUDIENCE: Cut the romantic bullshit and get the hell out of there!

NADIA: No! First I must write a touching good-bye message on the back of the photograph of me that you are carrying around! Which I'm sure won't be at all suspicious if someone finds you with it!

OMAR appears.

OMAR: I am suspicious! Very, very suspicious!

SAYID: Um…don't you want to go watch "Three's Company" with everyone else?

OMAR: No, I've seen it, it's the one where Jack pretends he's a doct–– Wait a second! You're trying to distract me from my suspicion! GUARDS!

SAYID: Uh-oh! To solve the problem of Omar yelling for the guards, I will shoot him and hope the guards don't hear the gunshot!

OMAR: You've killed me, you bastard!

He DIES.

NADIA: Sayid killed his superior officer for me! How romantic!

SAYID: Okay, okay, this is my story. You were handcuffed and you had a hood on, and yet you somehow managed to steal my gun and use it to shoot me in the leg and him in the chest!

NADIA: I'd believe it!

Sayid SHOOTS his own LEG.

NADIA: Now that's love.

SAYID: Now go!

NADIA: But…

SAYID: GO!

NADIA: But…

SAYID: Dammit, woman, you'd better get out of here before someone else comes along and catches us! Because then I'd have to shoot him too, and that would start to stretch the credibility of my story!

NADIA: Well, okay. Be seeing you.

Back on the ISLAND, SAYID and the FRENCH CHICK are standing with GUNS LEVELED at one another.

FRENCH CHICK: You hurt my feelings, Sayid! Why won't you stay with me?

Then Sayid discovers his GUN is BROKEN. Or SOMETHING.

FRENCH CHICK: I'm so paranoid, all my guns are decoys!

SAYID: It figures.

FRENCH CHICK: I think this is a good time to tell you that I killed my whole team! But it wasn't my fault! Because they were…sick!

WRITER #1: So, do we know what this "sickness" is?

WRITER #2: Nah. We'll just let it hang for a couple seasons.

WRITER #3: Yeah, but we'll give clues about it occasionally so it seems important.

WRITER #2: Is the sickness real? Does it even exist? These questions and more will be answered during episode twenty, season five!

FRENCH CHICK: You have to stay with me in my underground bunker! I must stroke you and pet you!

SAYID: I think this is a good time to give a deep and possibly significant speech about the value of letting go!

FRENCH CHICK: Well, you've convinced me. Just let me stroke you one last time.

SAYID: Why don't you come back with me? There's this bloke named Charlie, he's pretty desperate, and he has nice fuzzy hair that you can pet all you want.

FRENCH CHICK: Hm. Tempting. But I think I'll just remain an enigma that the writers will trot out once in a while on special occasions. Oh yeah, and the SICKNESS! It's important. Mm-hm. Definitely important. Don't forget it.

SAYID: Hang on! Who's Alex!

FRENCH CHICK: He/she was my child of an indeterminate and unspecified gender!

Scene cuts to the GOLF COURSE, where CHARLIE is about to make a PUT.

CHARLIE: Hey, Hurley, why is the grass so short here, anyway? I mean, it's not like there's anybody mowing the lawns.

HURLEY: Well if the grass were really _long_, we wouldn't be able to _golf_, now _would_ we?

CHARLIE: Well, no, but––

HURLEY: Just hit the ball already!

He DOES. He MISSES.

CHARLIE: Bollocks!

HURLEY: Dude, I told you, remember? Once a Useless Sidekick, always a Useless Sidekick.

JACK: My turn!

CHARLIE: Damn Jack and his bloody hero-like golf abilities. I wonder if a golf club would make a good murder weapon?

HURLEY: Let's make a few friendly bets! Hey, maybe next time I'll open a casino!

SAWYER appears, because he is now making an EFFORT to be NICE.

SAWYER: I bet that Jack cries if he misses!

KATE: Well, nobody's gonna bet against _that_.

SHANNON: Hey, now that everyone's here, I have an announcement to make! Remember how I had asthma last episode? Well, you'll be glad to know that the writers have apparently forgotten about it, because it will never be an issue again!

SURVIVORS: Yay!

JACK: Hey! Attention back on me, please!

He SWINGS the CLUB.

WRITER #2: Did Jack make the all-important shot? Find out during episode thirteen, season four!

Elsewhere, in the JUNGLE, LOCKE is practicing his KNIFE-THROWING. WALT is watching.

LOCKE: Here, little boy! Have a long, sharp knife!

WALT: Cool!

He promptly CUTS his HAND open.

WALT: OW!

LOCKE: Heh heh. Oops. Maybe you should give that back…

Meanwhile, deep in the JUNGLE, SAYID is HEADING back to CAMP.

SAYID: I somehow know exactly where to go! Must be because, being a superhot genius, I have an impeccable sense of direction! Even when it's dark and I don't really know where I am!

Then he HEARS some WHISPERS.

WHISPERS: Olleh, Diyas. We are clearly ominous because we speak in reverse!

SAYID: This is one creepy-ass island.

-LOST-

* * *

AN: Hm, this one was even longer than Confidence Man. It was kind of difficult, though, because Solitary is a really great episode. The good old days, when Sayid _wasn't_ basically a redshirt. I will be really pissed off if there isn't, at some point, an episode explaining how Sayid got away with freeing Nadia. I mean, the Losties may have been all "What, Michael? Fenry, even though he was tied up, somehow stole the gun from you and killed Ana Lucia and Libby but only got you in the arm? That's not suspicious!" But I'm pretty sure the Republican Guard would be suspicious. Especially if they saw the picture with Nadia's message. Well, basically, Sayid better have some big important S3 role. Like coming up with a brilliant plan and rescuing Jack, Kate, and Sawyer, while kicking some serious Other ass on the way. :D 

Anywho...the Three's Company bit sort of came out of nowhere; it has no connection to Lost except that it was an ABC show. I just thought the idea of Iraqi soldiers watching Three's Company reruns was funny. But in order to be funny, it kind of requires that you at least know something about what Three's Company _is_: a fairly silly 70s/80s sitcom with a guy and two girls living in the same apartment. It had John Ritter in it.

I'm going out of town again soon, but I will try very, very hard to post Raised By Another before then. And now I'm going to go make cookies. Adios, please review, see you in another life.


	10. Episode 10: Raised By Another

Episode Ten:

Raised By Another, _or_ In which Claire's character is meaningfully developed in the following way: First she wasn't pregnant, then she got pregnant, then she continued being pregnant.

* * *

Scene opens on CLAIRE, who is WAKING UP. 

CLAIRE: I'm PREGNANT! Oh wait, I'm not. That's weird. But I'm sure I'm not dreaming.

She hears a BABY CRYING and GOES into the JUNGLE after it. She finds LOCKE, sitting at a TABLE with TAROT CARDS.

LOCKE: As creepy dream-sequence Locke, I am supposed to tell you that because you gave up your baby, something bad is going to happen!

CLAIRE: But I never gave up my baby, I'm on the isla––

LOCKE: Something _bad_ is going to _happen_, okay?

CLAIRE: Sure. Whatever.

Locke LOOKS UP.

LOCKE: I tried to use these backgammon pieces as glasses, but it didn't work out too well.

CLAIRE: Ew. Okay, well, I'm just going to run deeper into the jungle to finish off my creepy dream sequence.

She DOES. She FINDS a CRIB with a PLANE MOBILE over it.

PLANES: We say Oceanic! Wooooh, creepy!

Claire begins to LIFT the BLANKETS in the CRIB.

CLAIRE: Bebe! Where's the bebe!

She finds BLOOD instead.

CLAIRE: Oh noooo! A dingo ate the baby!

Claire WAKES UP, again. This time FOR REAL. Maybe. She SCREAMS.

CHARLIE: Claire! Calm down!

CLAIRE: Oh no, not you!

CHARLIE: S'okay, she clearly doesn't know what she's saying!

CLAIRE: Sniffle sob sob.

CHARLIE: Aw, poor widdle Cwaire, did you have a bad dweam?

CLAIRE: Yes (sniffle).

CHARLIE: Hey, what's this on your hands? Blood! Egad!

CLAIRE: Gasp! Shock!

HURLEY: Gasp! Shock!

-LOST-

Scene opens on CLAIRE, being DOCTORED by JACK.

JACK: In this scene we reveal that the blood was actually just from Claire's fingernails!

CLAIRE: But we thought it made a good gasp shock moment for a commercial break!

JACK: So you probably weren't dreaming about something innocuous, like riding ponies, huh?

CLAIRE: I have a mortal fear of ponies!

JACK: Oh. Sorry. Anyway. Peroxide! Have some peroxide!

CLAIRE: You really like peroxide, don't you Jack?

JACK: Yeah, I'm thinking of composing a song. Something like… Peroxide, dum dum dum, peroxide, yay!

CLAIRE: That's really great, Jack.

JACK: I know. And hey, Claire, guess what! One time I even had a girlfriend!

CLAIRE: Wow!

Claire has a FLASHBACK. She is in an APARTMENT with her BOYFRIEND THOMAS. She has just TAKEN a PREGNANCY TEST.

CLAIRE: This flashback reveals how I discovered I was pregnant!

THOMAS: Hi!

CLAIRE: What happened was, I was six weeks late, so I thought I should probably try a pregnancy test!

AUDIENCE: Wow…good idea.

CLAIRE: And the pregnancy test was positive!

THOMAS: No it wasn't!

CLAIRE: Yes it was! There were two pink lines!

THOMAS: Weren't! They were red!

CLAIRE: Pink!

THOMAS: Red!

CLAIRE: Pink!

THOMAS: You're not pregnant! La la la, I'm not listening!

CLAIRE: Then how do you explain being six weeks late, huh, Thomas?

THOMAS: Easy! Cancer!

CLAIRE: You would rather I had cancer than be pregnant! Bastard!

THOMAS: I mean, uh…okay, backtracking. Maybe you _are_ pregnant. Hey, I have an idea! Let's have the baby!

CLAIRE: What the hell? A minute ago you wouldn't even believe I was pregnant, now you want to have this baby?

THOMAS: Yeah! It's totally a plot contrivance!

CLAIRE: A what?

THOMAS: But the important thing to remember is that I will never leave you. Never, never, never. Never.

Back on the ISLAND, JACK approaches KATE by the OCEAN.

JACK: Hi, Kate! Flirt, flirt, flirt!

KATE: The last time I flirted with you was like three episodes ago. _Now_ you start flirting with me?

JACK: I'm slow.

There follows an utterly USELESS scene in which Kate SINKS and Jack gains a SENSE of HUMOR for approximately .00017 SECONDS. In fact, it is so USELESS that we will pretend it NEVER HAPPENED. When we tune back in, they are TALKING about SAYID.

KATE: I am concerned! Very concerned!

JACK: Grr. The longer Sayid stays away, the better. I will comfort you, Kate!

KATE: No thanks.

JACK: Are you sure you don't need a hug?

KATE: No. I'm good.

Somewhere in the JUNGLE, CLAIRE is WRITING in her DIARY. CHARLIE approaches.

CHARLIE: Hiya, Claire!

CLAIRE: Oh no. Not you.

CHARLIE: I know, I know, you're still upset about that dream. Luckily I am here to make you feel better, with tea and a preview for my new comedy show! It's called "Lost on an Island: Charlie and Hurley perform exotic dance moves for your pleasure." I could even show you a few of the exotic dances!

CLAIRE: Um. No, thanks.

CHARLIE: Something wrong, Claire?

CLAIRE: Actually, I'm kind of worried about Jack. I was talking to him earlier and he used the word "innocuous."

CHARLIE: Oooh, really? Sounds serious.

CLAIRE: Yeah, I thought it was a bit weird. But then he started singing about peroxide, so I figured he was probably okay.

CHARLIE: Well, if Jack uses any more big words, you can just come tell me about it.

CLAIRE: Okay.

CHARLIE: Oh, that reminds me! I came over here to tell you about this dream I had. What happened was, there was this biscuit, right, and it was on a bus with some bacon and, er… No, no, that's not right, it was the biscuit driving the bus and someone's mum got a tooth stuck in the bacon…

CLAIRE: Charlie…

CHARLIE: Anyway, it was all about food. Do you feel better now?

CLAIRE: No! You just reminded me that I'm still mad at you about the imaginary peanut butter!

CHARLIE: Oh.

Charlie quickly HIDES a plate of IMAGINARY BISCUITS behind his back.

CHARLIE: Anyway! I worry about you, Claire. Because I really like you. A lot. In a completely platonic, non-obsessive way, I mean. So I wondered if you would let me follow you around everywhere like a puppy, and we could call it friendship.

CLAIRE: Actually…I don't like you.

CHARLIE: Oh. Well, I'm not really surprised. But I'd better not tell her about Claire Obsessives Anonymous.

Charlie LEAVES. Claire has a FLASHBACK. She is with her FRIEND RACHEL, and they are going to SEE a PSYCHIC.

RACHEL: I'm tall! That is my sole personality trait!

CLAIRE: I'm moving into Thomas's apartment! I love Thomas, because he is loyal and dedicated and will never, ever leave me!

RACHEL: That's great! Now let's go see this psychic!

CLAIRE: I am reluctant! Reluctant, I say!

RACHEL: Oh, whatever, it'll be fun! And it only costs 200 dollars!

CLAIRE: That's pretty expensive fun.

RACHEL: Yeah, well, plot contrivances aren't exactly cheap, you know.

CLAIRE: What?

RACHEL: Nothing. Oh, look, here we are!

Inside the psychic's HOUSE, CLAIRE sits at a TABLE with RICHARD MALKIN.

MALKIN: I am a legitimate psychic. Mm-hmm, I am _defnitely_ legitimate.

CLAIRE: And isn't your mommy proud.

MALKIN: Mm-hmm. Wait. What?

CLAIRE: Nothing.

MALKIN: Okay! Give me your feet!

CLAIRE: Feet?

MALKIN: Hands. I meant hands.

CLAIRE: Ooo-kay. Here you are.

MALKIN: Okey-dokey, let's see here… Well, this is your heart line, and it's really short so it means that you'll be unlucky in love.

CLAIRE: Actually, that's my life line.

MALKIN: Oh. Well in that case, it means you're going to die, um…on December 42nd, 2003.

CLAIRE: But that's impossible! It's already 2004!

MALKIN: Oh. Nevermind. Um…you're pregnant?

CLAIRE: Yes! Wow! You're amazing! One out of three ain't bad!

RACHEL: Yes it is, it's only 33 percent––

CLAIRE: Shut up!

MALKIN: And, um, um…I can't come up with anything else, so I will act freaked out and vaguely ominous and refuse to continue the reading!

CLAIRE: Wow. That's a good technique.

MALKIN: Thanks, I use it quite oft–– I mean, rarely. Very rarely. Because I am a legitimate psychic. Very legitimate. Extremely legitimate.

CLAIRE: I didn't know it was possible to be _extremely _legitimate.

MALKIN: Well, it is. Good-bye now.

Back on the ISLAND, CLAIRE is ASLEEP. Suddenly, a HAND covers her MOUTH and then Claire SCREAMS.

ETHAN: Dammit! The whole point of putting my hand on her mouth was so she _wouldn't_ scream. Oh well, I'd better run off before anyone gets suspicious of me!

CHARLIE, of course, RUSHES to Claire's side, along with various other SURVIVORS.

CLAIRE: Somebody attacked me!

CHARLIE: Come on, Hurley! Let's go search the perimeter! Even though most likely the culprit is standing among us even as we speak!

JACK: But wait, how will you defend yourselves?

CHARLIE: We'll perform our comedy act and he will be immobilized with laughter, just like the fish we caught!

HURLEY: Good idea, dude!

Charlie and Hurley RUN off.

JACK: Don't worry, Claire, I will find the perpetrator!

CLAIRE: "Perpetrator"! Jack, you're scaring me!

JACK: Sorry. I mean, I will find the bad guy! Have some peroxide!

CLAIRE: That's better. I am comforted.

ETHAN: Hi guys! I'm just hovering around here because I was drawn by Claire's screams and I am concerned about her! Because I'm not suspicious! Very normal person here, who was on the plane. Uh-huh, yep, I was _definitely_ on the plane.

CLAIRE: My BAY-UH-BEE! He was trying to hurt my BAY-UH-BEE!

MICHAEL: No way! I can scream for my child better than that! WAAAAAALT! MAH BOOOOYYYYY!

CLAIRE: Oh, _whatever_. I am _so_ the better screamer.

LATER, in the JUNGLE, various PEOPLE are PATROLLING. JACK approaches HURLEY.

HURLEY: We got _nothin'_, dude. Me and Charlie had to perform our exotic dance moves without any audience at _all_.

JACK: Okay, could you maybe stop mentioning the exotic dance moves thing? It's really not that funny anymore.

HURLEY: What are you talking about? Of course it's still funny!

JACK: Trust me, man. It's not.

HURLEY: Dude, you don't even have a sense of humor.

JACK: Yeah huh! I told Kate some jokes earlier today! You can just ask her!

HURLEY: Okay, I'll do that. Anywho…I think we should start a census, because nobody can tell Scott and Steve apart. Oh, and we should have doors.

JACK: Doors?

HURLEY: Yeah, like for houses.

JACK: I know what doors are, Hurley.

HURLEY: That way I can be all, Hey, I think I'll go visit Sayid, and I can go knock on Sayid's door and he'll be all, Hurley, what's up, come into my tee-pee, and I can be all, Dude, Sayid, what up with you and Shann­­––

JACK: Hurley. Focus. We're looking for the guy who attacked Claire, remember?

HURLEY: That's what I'm talking about, dude! That's why we need to have doors!

Back at the CAVES, CLAIRE is sitting by a FIRE looking TROUBLED.

CLAIRE: Yeah, well, unlike Kate at least I have a good _reason_ to be troubled!

CHARLIE approaches.

CHARLIE: Don't worry, Claire, I'll protect you from nasty jungle men! I'll never let any nasty jungle man kidnap you and drag you off into the jungle while I hang idly from a tree with a hood over my head!

CLAIRE: Um. That's reassuring.

Claire has a FLASHBACK in which she is HANGING DRAPES. THOMAS arrives.

THOMAS: Sooo, Claire, remember how first I was totally in denial about you being pregnant?

CLAIRE: Yeah…

THOMAS: And then I completely changed my mind and decided I wanted us to have a baby?

CLAIRE: Yeah…

THOMAS: Well, I've completely changed my mind again!

CLAIRE: I don't think I like where this is going.

THOMAS: So, sayonara! And good luck with the baby!

CLAIRE: Let me get this straight. I didn't want to have this baby. You convinced me that it would be a good idea. You said you would never, ever leave me. And now you're leaving me? Stuck with a baby I didn't even want to have in the first place?

THOMAS: Well, that makes me sound pretty bad, doesn't it?

CLAIRE: So basically, to sum up, you're a complete bastard?

THOMAS: That's awfully harsh, Claire…I mean, I'm not selfish or anything, but it's only my own happiness and success that I'm concerned with! I'm outta here!

He LEAVES.

CLAIRE: _All_ men are bastards!

A second LATER, he RETURNS.

THOMAS: Wait a minute, this is _my_ apartment! Get the hell out!

CLAIRE: NO!

THOMAS: Well, _I'm_ not leaving!

VINCE VAUGHN in a brief CAMEO: Me neither!

Back on the ISLAND, HURLEY is on the BEACH collecting INFORMATION. He approaches LOCKE.

HURLEY: Hey, Locke!

LOCKE: How'd you know who I am?

HURLEY: Well, Charlie called you "the bald wanker" and Michael said you were "a creepy old bald man who is clearly a child molester," and––

LOCKE: I get it. Now let me make a joke that is almost Jack-like in its lameness! Hey, I'm _funny_! I hear you have a comedy show…can I join?

HURLEY: Um. No. I mean, nobody wants to see an old bald man perform exotic dance moves.

LOCKE: Oh, but they want to see _you_?

HURLEY: Of course! I'm _sexy_, man! And so is Charlie!

At this point, Locke becomes so INCAPACITATED with LAUGHTER that he FALLS OVER.

HURLEY: Dude. You okay?

LOCKE: Chortle gasp guffaw giggle!

HURLEY: Okay, I'm just gonna…leave.

Elsewhere on the BEACH, CHARLIE is talking with JACK and KATE.

CHARLIE: I told Claire I would protect her! We must find the bad guy! Hey, d'you think its one of our own people?

KATE: Must be. Not like there's any mysterious, murderous natives living in the jungle. It's just a normal island, after all.

JACK: Actually, guys, I've thought of a completely rational, scientific explanation for Claire's behavior! Therefore, I will refuse to entertain any other theories!

CHARLIE: But what if there really _is_––

JACK: Nope, sorry, decision's made, no input from you!

KATE: But I think Claire can––

JACK: Didn't you hear me? I'm right, you're wrong. And we're gonnna do things _my_ way!

CHARLIE: Sayid was right about you! Controlling bastard.

JACK: So we need a way to calm Claire down and stop her from having more hallucinations so she doesn't go into early wossname.

KATE: Labor?

JACK: Yeah. That.

CHARLIE: She's _not_ having halluci––

JACK: I suggest peroxide.

KATE: Um, don't you think some kind of sedative wou––

JACK: Or perhaps a sedative. Yeah, a sedative! Gosh I'm such a good doctor!

KATE: Hmm.

In the JUNGLE, ETHAN is COLLECTING FRUIT. HURLEY approaches.

HURLEY: Hey, um…dude?

ETHAN: Ethan!

HURLEY: Ethan. Right. All you redshirts are so easy to get mixed up.

ETHAN: I'm not wearing a red shirt.

HURLEY: I don't even know why I'm talking to you! As a redshirt, you should really just be wandering around in the background. But I'm sure the fact that you seem to be prominently featured in this episode isn't at all significant. Anyway…what's your full name?

ETHAN: Ethan Rom!

HURLEY: Wow! That's an anagram for "Other Man"! Wonder what that means?

ETHAN: No idea.

HURLEY: Where are you from?

ETHAN: Canada!

HURLEY: Uh-huh. And what were you doing in Australia?

ETHAN: Business!

HURLEY: Okay, well, thanks for your non-suspiciously prompt answers!

ETHAN: No problem. Just do me one favor, okay? Don't find the manifest. You don't need the manifest.

HURLEY: What's a manifest?

ETHAN: Nothing. Nevermind. No such thing.

At the CAVES, CLAIRE is again WRITING in her DIARY. JACK approaches.

JACK: Woah, Claire, you're looking kind of rough.

CLAIRE: Yeah, being _attacked_ can do that to you.

JACK: About that… I just wanted to let you know that I've thought up a very rational explanation for your behavior. Hallucinations!

CLAIRE: But there already _is_ a rational explanation. I was attacked!

JACK: Yeah, but my theory is also _scientific_ and _medical_ and it has _precedents_. Making it clearly the correct theory.

CLAIRE: Jack, I know the difference between real life and a halluci––

JACK: No, you _don't_, Claire.

CLAIRE: Wait. How do _you_ know what I––

JACK: Because I'm a doctor, Claire. And you're not. Therefore, you are stupid.

CLAIRE: All men _are_ bastards!

Claire STORMS off into the JUNGLE.

CLAIRE: I was just yelling at Jack for not believing me about the scary jungle man, so to emphasize my point I will go into the jungle alone!

AUDIENCE: You _are_ stupid.

While STORMING off, she has a FLASHBACK. She KNOCKS on the DOOR of MALKIN's house.

CLAIRE: Will you give me a reading now?

MALKIN: Oh, sure. Even though I was completely horrified last time, I'm sure it will be fine now.

They SIT at a TABLE.

MALKIN: So…you're engaged to your boyfriend.

CLAIRE: Um, no.

MALKIN: Your boyfriend fell off a bridge and died?

CLAIRE: I wish.

MALKIN: Your boyfriend left you?

CLAIRE: Yes! Wow! Amazing!

MALKIN: I _am _amazing. Hm, now what should I tell her? You will meet a tall dark stranger, your life is in grave danger, stay away from bridges… Or I haven't used the old "your unborn child is Satan" schtick in a while, maybe I'll go with that one…

CLAIRE: La de da, I am sweet and naive!

MALKIN: I'm sorry to say that your baby is evil.

CLAIRE: What?

MALKIN: Let me explain in words you will understand. Your baby is Anakin Skywalker, and if you don't raise him yourself, he will turn into Darth Vader.

CLAIRE: It's a boy, then!

MALKIN: No, that's not­­­­—not the important issue here.

CLAIRE: Well, _I_ think it's important. Boy or girl?

MALKIN: Satan!

CLAIRE: That's not a gender!

MALKIN: Fine, whatever, it's a boy, okay?

CLAIRE: Oh, good.

MALKIN: Look, have you ever seen _Rosemary's Baby_? It's like that!

CLAIRE: You mean Thomas is the devil? I _knew_ it! He was always a complete bastard, he said—

MALKIN: Pay attention! I'm going to talk very slowly now so you understand.

CLAIRE: Okay.

MALKIN: The baby……………is evil.

CLAIRE: Will he have any cool birthmarks? Like 666? Or maybe cloven hooves?

MALKIN: Yes, sure. And you must………keep………the baby.

CLAIRE: What? Why would I want to keep a devil baby?

MALKIN: So that you can influence him to be stupid—I mean, good.

CLAIRE: No way! That sounds like too much work. See ya!

She LEAVES. LATER, Claire is ASLEEP when the PHONE rings.

MALKIN: Surprise, it's me again!

CLAIRE: You've been calling me for months!

And so it is REVEALED that MONTHS have PASSED in a casual SCENE CHANGE.

MALKIN: You must keep the baby. You must keep the baby. You must keep—

CLAIRE: No way!

MALKIN: Darn, my ingenious plan has failed! I thought you would be more reasonable in the middle of the night!

CLAIRE: If you don't stop calling me, I'm changing my phone number!

MALKIN: You _always _say that, and yet you never do. Could it be you secretly enjoy my late-night phone calls?

CLAIRE: Ew! No!

She HANGS UP.

CLAIRE: Pervert.

Back on the ISLAND, CHARLIE, of course, has FOLLOWED CLAIRE.

CHARLIE: A-stalking I will go, a-stalking I will go, hi-ho the derry-o, a-stalking I will go!

CLAIRE: Charlie, come out. I can hear you there singing nonsensical songs.

CHARLIE: Hiya, Claire! I have followed you to say that even _I _think it was stupid for you to have gone into the jungle alone where, according to you, there is someone who wants to attack you. Luckily, _I_ am here to protect you!

CLAIRE: Oh boy.

CHARLIE: Yes indeedy, no savage jungle man will possibly be able to abduct you while I am here.

CLAIRE: I now hate Jack. I used to trust him, but not anymore!

CHARLIE: Cool! That makes me, you, Sawyer, and Sayid, and I'm sure Kate will come around eventually. Maybe we should start a club. And I'll write a dissertation called "10 Reasons Why Jack Is a Controlling Bastard."

CLAIRE: Sounds good. Why, in comparison to Jack, you actually don't seem all that bad!

CHARLIE: What a compliment! You know, it's really a good thing that Claire's as dumb as a sack of hammers, it might make it easier for me to get into her pants!

CLAIRE: So I'm moving back to the beach to get away from Jack!

CHARLIE: But the beach isn't safe!

CLAIRE: Excuse me? What dangerous things have happened at the caves? There was a nearly deadly cave-in, you sliced your foot on a rock, Michael smashed his finger with a rock, and I got _attacked_. What dangerous things have happened at the beach? Nothing!

CHARLIE: Well, of course it sounds bad when you put it like that!

On the BEACH, HURLEY is getting INFORMATION from SHANNON and BOONE.

HURLEY: Name?

SHANNON: Shannon Rutherford. And Boone's my brother. Definitely my brother. Nothing fishy going on here.

HURLEY: Where were you guys last night?

SHANNON: On the beach! Of course! Where else would we be? Not in the jungle having sex or anything! Because we're brother and sister!

BOONE: Gosh Shannon, defensive much? Anyway, Hurley, you should get the plane's manifest.

HURLEY: Yeah? That Ethan fellow mentioned the manifest, too.

BOONE: Yeah, Sawyer's got it.

HURLEY: Of course he does.

SAWYER is sitting in his TENT. HURLEY enters.

SAWYER: This whole "getting the manifest" scene is really just an opportunity for me to get some shirtless screentime.

HURLEY: When do I get _my _shirtless screentime?

SAWYER: After Charlie, but before Jack.

HURLEY: So, anyway, can I have the manifest dealie?

SAWYER: …No.

HURLEY: But I'm funny!

SAWYER: Well…you made me laugh, so okay, you get the manifest! Good job!

HURLEY: Sooo, Sawyer, I don't suppose I can convince you to join our comedy act? You get to perform exotic dances!

SAWYER: Nah, me and Sayid have already choreographed our own dances.

In the JUNGLE, CHARLIE and CLAIRE are WALKING.

CLAIRE: Why did you follow me, Charlie?

CHARLIE: Because I follow you everywh— I mean…because I like you. Yeah. In a completely platonic, non-obsessive way. Not because I'm a stalker or anything.

CLAIRE: Actually, I think you just have an unhealthy obsession with pregnant women.

CHARLIE: Dang! How did she find out the motto for Claire Obsessives Anonymous!

Suddenly, Claire begins to GASP in PAIN and CLUTCH her STOMACH.

CHARLIE: Claire! Claire, what's wrong? Why are you clutching your stomach and gasping in pain? Do you have a stomach cramp? Did you eat some bad guava? Do you—

CLAIRE: You are ten kinds of stupid. I'm having a _baby_. That is what happens when you're pregnant, you know.

CHARLIE: Oh. Right.

CLAIRE: Dammit, what do I do now? Charlie can't deliver my baby, he's an idiot, but Jack's not much better. At least he's a doctor…but he'll probably just want to use peroxide…

CHARLIE: Claire, I can _so_ deliver a baby! It can't be that hard!

CLAIRE: Hm…

CHARLIE: Wait. Which way does it come out, the front or the back?

CLAIRE: Okay. That's it. Get Jack.

CHARLIE: But I thought you hated Jack!

CLAIRE: I do!

CHARLIE: But he's, like, a spinal surgeon! He probably doesn't know anything about delivering babies!

CLAIRE: And you do?

CHARLIE: I _have_ watched movies on the Lifetime channel, you know.

CLAIRE: Well, that's just disturbing. Get Jack! _Now_!

CHARLIE: Oh, _fine_. But you're gonna owe me a big favor!

CLAIRE: As long as it doesn't involve you following me around everywhere and watching me sleep.

CHARLIE: Dammit, how did you _know_?

He RUNS off. Claire has a FLASHBACK. She is in a ROOM with an ADOPTION GUY and a COUPLE.

ADOPTION GUY: So you're here to sell your baby!

CLAIRE: I thought it was called adoption?

ADOPTION GUY: Oh it is, it is. Selling babies is, of course, illegal! Don't try it at home, kids.

CLAIRE: Um, okay.

ADOPTION GUY: So what's going to happen is, you have the baby and give it to this random couple, then they give you money.

CLAIRE: That sounds an awful lot like selling.

ADOPTION GUY: Well, it's completely different. The money they give you is merely a gift.

CLAIRE: Riiiight. Wink, wink.

ADOPTION GUY: No. There is to be no winking going on here. Now, does everyone understand the transaction—er, adoption procedure? Mr. and Mrs. Random Couple?

MRS. RANDOM COUPLE: We understand completely.

MR. RANDOM COUPLE: …

ADOPTION GUY: Excellent!

CLAIRE: Just a sec. When I give you the baby, do you think you could sing "Baby Got Back" to it sometimes?

MR. RANDOM COUPLE: …

MRS. RANDOM COUPLE: Is that the one that goes "Shake that healthy butt"?

CLAIRE: Yes.

MRS. RANDOM COUPLE: We'd be delighted.

ADOPTION GUY: Now Ms. Littleton, please sign this contract of sale—er, adoption. Once you sign, it is _final_! You can't change your mind! Ever!

CLAIRE: Okay.

The PEN does NOT WORK. The NEXT pen also does NOT WORK.

CLAIRE: Well, this is clearly a sign from God. Or maybe the devil. Whatever.

MRS. RANDOM COUPLE: I have plenty of other pens for you to try!

CLAIRE: No thanks, I'm too lazy to sit here and find a working pen, so I guess I'll keep the baby after all. See ya!

MRS. RANDOM COUPLE: NOOOOOO! MY BAY-UH-BEE!

CLAIRE: It's _my_ baby, bitch!

MR. RANDOM COUPLE: …

LATER, Claire goes to visit MALKIN.

CLAIRE: Well, my pen didn't work, so I'm ready to listen to you now.

MALKIN: At last! My plan to plant dummy pens was a success!

Back on the ISLAND, CHARLIE is TEARING through the JUNGLE. He finds ETHAN.

CHARLIE: Hey! It's my fellow Claire Obsessives Anonymous member!

ETHAN: Oh, hey, Charlie. Listen, I wrote this poem about Claire that I wanted to show you. It goes, "Her golden curls are plentiful, but her distended tummy is the most beautiful—"

CHARLIE: Wow, Ethan, that's really good! You wrote that?

ETHAN: Oh, it's just a little something I—

CHARLIE: Oh yeah, Claire's gone into labor! So I need you to go get Jack, okay?

ETHAN: Into _labor_? She's having the _baby_? _Now_?

CHARLIE: Yes, now! And what's with the italics? Go!

Ethan DASHES off.

CHARLIE: Gosh, it sure is lucky I ran into someone trustworthy to go find Jack!

He TEARS back to CLAIRE.

CHARLIE: It's okay, Claire, I'm here, I'm back.

CLAIRE: Where's Jack? And how did you run to the caves and back so quickly?

CHARLIE: Well, I'm super fast! Jack's not as fast as me, so he's still back there somewhere.

CLAIRE: My tummy hurts!

CHARLIE: Oh, right, okay, now I want you to squeeze my hand and concentrate on breathing, okay Claire?

CLAIRE: Did you get that from the Lifetime channel?

CHARLIE: …Yes.

Claire has a FLASHBACK. She is with MALKIN.

CLAIRE: So let me get this straight… I _don't _have to keep the baby, I have to fly to Los Angeles to give it to someone there? What is _with_ the men in my life completely changing their minds with no warning!

MALKIN: It's—

CLAIRE: And _don't_ tell me it's a plot contrivance!

MALKIN: Oh. Well, it is.

CLAIRE: What's wrong with Australian couples, may I ask? They're not good enough for my baby?

MALKIN: No. They're not. Only this one specific couple in Los Angeles is good enough!

CLAIRE: This seems very fishy to me! Fishy, I say! Plus, the guy from the adoption agency said I shouldn't try selling babies at home.

Back on the ISLAND, CLAIRE has TOLD CHARLIE about the PSYCHIC.

CHARLIE: Gosh Claire, you sure are stupid sometimes. _Clearly_ the psychic _knew_ the plane would crash, you would be stuck on the island forever and therefore be forced to raise the baby yourself!

CLAIRE: Wow! I never thought of that! It's so obvious!

She has the REST of her FLASHBACK. She is still with MALKIN.

MALKIN: So, here's your ticket, and did I mention the flight leaves tomorrow?

CLAIRE: Dammit, I'm not doing it!

MALKIN: You _have_ to, Claire! Otherwise the baby will be evil and destroy the world!

CLAIRE: Well, can't I at least get a later—?

MALKIN: NO! I mean…uh, the couple is going to be waiting for you at the airport.

CLAIRE: And you couldn't call to tell them about the new flight?

MALKIN: …No.

CLAIRE: Well, I am no longer suspicious! I'll do it!

Back on the ISLAND, SAYID is RUNNING through the JUNGLE.

SAYID: I've been running like this all day, believe it or not! Must…get away…from the whispers!

MEANWHILE…

CLAIRE: Well, my tummy doesn't hurt anymore, so I guess the baby decided not to come after all!

CHARLIE: And it was all thanks to me!

CLAIRE: Uh, sure.

CHARLIE: So will you let me follow—?

CLAIRE: No.

CHARLIE: Well, at least come back to the caves.

CLAIRE: No way! I'm going to the beach, where it's safe!

CHARLIE: Hey, I've thought of some dangerous things that happened at the beach! That one woman drowned, remember? And those boars attacked us?

CLAIRE: Well, I don't go into the ocean, so I couldn't drown, and the boars only attacked because of the bodies in the fuselage, which are now burned.

CHARLIE: Dang it, she's right. Man, the caves suck!

Meanwhile, at the CAVES, SAYID has ARRIVED.

SAYID: Hey, guys! What's up?

KATE is there because as one of the MAIN CHARACTERS, she automatically must be PRESENT when anything IMPORTANT is going to HAPPEN.

KATE: SAYID!

JACK: Grr.

SAYID: Let me be delirious and dramatic! WE'RE NOT ALONE! OTHERS!

JACK: Others?

KATE: Others?

LOCKE: Others? Oh boy!

HURLEY arrives at the CAVES.

HURLEY: Jack! Jack! I have something important to tell you!

SAYID: Hi, Hurley.

HURLEY: Jack! Jack, listen to me!

JACK: Well, I'm pretty busy here being a doctor and pouring water on Sayid's leg, but I guess I can spare you a few minutes.

HURLEY: I have something very dramatic to say! I checked the manifest, and…ETHAN WASN'T ON THE PLANE!

LOCKE: Gasp!

JACK: Gasp!

SAYID: Told ya! Others!

KATE: Who the hell's Ethan?

MEANWHILE…

CHARLIE: Screw the caves, I'm going back to the beach with you. That's where all the members of our new Jack-hate club are, anyway.

ETHAN: I am appearing out of nowhere to say hello very sinisterly!

CHARLIE: That was a very sinister hello, Ethan! I'm starting to think you might not be just a nice, normal Claire-obsessed person!

ETHAN: I'm not! I'm an _evil_ Claire-obsessed person!

CLAIRE: Dammit! Why does this always happen to me! I freakin' hate men!

-LOST-

* * *

AN: I have no idea how this chappie ended up so long, it didn't _seem_ that long when I was writing it. I'm not too thrilled with it, unfortunately, even though I actually really like this episode. Confidence Man, Solitary, Raised By Another, it's like a trifecta of Lost awesomeness. Too bad it's wrecked by another Jack episode. Although he _does_ get beaten up in it, which is a plus. 

I apologize for the long wait (well, longer than has become usual for this story) between updates; I _was_ in Mexico but I got back a week ago, so I was just being lazy. And unfortunately, on Saturday I'm leaving again to go camping with some friends for a while, but hopefully I'll get All the Best Cowboys up before then. I'm quite looking forward to parodying that one, actually. :D evil grin

An announcement all Charlie fans will appreciate...from here on out, I like Charlie. In early S1 I don't particularly care for him, probably because he's tainted by S2 Charlie, but starting with Raised By Another I like him, regardless. I still hate Jack, however.

(I hope you guys don't mind getting spoilers for the 3rd season...if you do, you probably shouldn't keep reading.)

III

III

III

III

Henry Ian Cusick is signed on as a REGULAR, so Desmond is OFFICIALLY ALIVE! Therefore, he has officially become my new 2nd-favorite character (sorry, Sawyer). In honor of this, I have added a Desmond section to my Sayid collage. (It is only _loosely_ a Sayid collage, however, as in addition to a Desmond section it also contains a quite extensive Sawyer section, as well as the occasional picture of my favorite females Sun and Ana, and re-enactments of the deaths of Shannon and Ana using Internet screencaps and script excerpts, courtesy of the latest Lost magazine. So it's really just a general Lost collage, focus heavily on Sayid. What can I say, I have an obsessive personality. :P)

Well, I'd better sign off now and post this thing. Reviews are always appreciated.


	11. Episode 11: All the Best Cowboys

Episode Eleven:  
All the Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues, _or _In which we find out about Jack's Daddy issues. Again.

* * *

Scene opens at the CAVES, where EVERYONE is FREAKING OUT. Except SAYID, who is UNCONSCIOUS.

HURLEY: Ethan!

JACK: Ethan!

KATE: Ethan!

LOCKE: Ethan!

REDSHIRT #1: Wonder what they're all in a flap about.

REDSHIRT #2: Whatever it is, no one's going to tell us about it.

REDSHIRT #3: Stop gabbing and get back to collecting wood in the background!

MICHAEL: What's with everyone standing around freaking out about Ethan?

JACK: Ethan! Where is he!

MICHAEL: On the path to the beach.

JACK: The PATH to the BEACH! Oh my God, THAT'S WHERE CLAIRE AND CHARLIE ARE!

LOCKE: Yes Jack, thank you, we realize that.

JACK: I MUST GO RESCUE THEM!

Jack RUNS off.

LOCKE: Dammit, I'd better go and make sure he doesn't hurt himself again.

Jack and Locke RUN through the JUNGLE until Locke magically FINDS the PLACE where CLAIRE and CHARLIE were.

LOCKE: Jack! Here are Claire's footprints. She is alive…or was, an hour ago. If she is otherwise when I find her, I shall be very put out.

JACK: I don't see any footprints!

LOCKE: Of course you don't.

JACK: …I hate you.

LOCKE: Okey-doke, time to show off my monster tracking skillz! Let's see, Charlie and Claire were standing _here_, and then Ethan approached from _here_, and then Ethan came and grabbed Claire, and Charlie started to run away…then he came back because Ethan mentioned Driveshaft, and then—

JACK: Wait, wait, wait. I get that you can see footprints, but how can you tell what they _said_?

LOCKE: Easy. Charlie's a coward. The only reason he would stop running away is if he got the chance to talk about Driveshaft.

JACK: Oh.

LOCKE: Anyway, as I was saying, then Ethan clocked both of 'em on the head, tucked Claire under his right arm and Charlie under his left, and dragged them off _that_ way.

JACK: So you're a pretty good tracker, huh John?

LOCKE: Well, on a scale of one to ten, one being you, ten being Prince Humperdinck, I'm an eleven.

-LOST-

Scene opens on JACK and LOCKE in the JUNGLE.

JACK: What are you talking about? I'm a great tracker! Just as great as I am at everything else!

LOCKE: Yeah, right. If I hadn't been here you would've just run right past this place.

JACK: Oh yeah? Well, I'll show you! I'm gonna go track Ethan all by myself!

LOCKE: I don't think that's such a good idea, Jack… For all we know, there could be a tribe of mysterious, murderous natives living on just the other side of the island! And they might kill you, and wouldn't that be…um, terrible.

JACK: Whatever! I'm a hero, I'm sure I can handle it!

LOCKE: Well, I'll just go back to the caves and organize a search party. Get some weapons, you know…water…

JACK: Bah! I don't need those things! I will kill Ethan with my bare hands and drink my own urine!

LOCKE: Um. Ew.

Jack RUNS off deeper into the JUNGLE.

JACK: See? This frenzied running is clearly a _great _tracking style!

He has a FLASHBACK. He is in an OPERATING ROOM, working on a PATIENT named BETH.

JACK: See? See, I really _am_ an awesome doctor!

BETH: Um, I'm kind of dying here.

JACK: Oh right, right…

WRITER #2: Could this be the same Beth that Kate briefly mentioned in the first episode? Find out during episode eight, season twelve!

JACK: Get me the defibrillator!

DEFIBRILLATOR: Here I am!

Jack proceeds to DEFIBRILLATE the patient until long after she is DEAD.

JACK: I…can't…give…up…

CHRISTIAN is standing in the SHADOWS.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, for crying out— Jack, you do this _every time_! It gets old! Be a man!

JACK: Never!

CHRISTIAN: How did someone with the emotional maturity of a ten-year-old ever manage to become a doctor?

Back on the ISLAND, LOCKE has returned to the CAVES and is TALKING with KATE.

KATE: How could you let him go by himself? Don't you remember what happened last time?

LOCKE: You mean when he stubbed his toe and lay in the jungle moaning until we made a stretcher and carried him back here? I figure if that happens again we'll just leave him. You wanna join the search party?

KATE: And get a chance to risk my life? Absolutely! I'm hooked on the adrenaline rush of DANGER!

BOONE and SHANNON approach.

BOONE: Can I come too?

SHANNON: Don't listen to him, he's an idiot, he'll just do something stupid and screw everything up.

LOCKE: Hm. Well, that Chico boy turned out to be a disappointing apprentice, so I guess I'll give this kid a try instead. What's your name?

BOONE: Boone.

LOCKE: Okay. Let's go, Bruce!

BOONE: It's Boone. As in, Daniel Boone?

LOCKE: Whatever.

MICHAEL approaches, with WALT and VINCENT.

MICHAEL: Locke, I want to make it very clear that I still think you are a child molester and I hate you. But can I join the search party too?

LOCKE: Um…no.

BOONE: Ha ha!

MICHAEL: Well, now I hate you even more! Maybe I'll get some redshirts together and make my _own_ search party, whaddaya think about _that_?

LOCKE: Whatever. Now Kate and Brad, the Chosen Ones, let's go!

BOONE: Boone. It's _Boone_.

LOCKE: Whatever! I'm a busy guy, I don't have time to remember everyone's name!

Somewhere in the JUNGLE, JACK is EXAMINING a TWIG.

JACK: See, this tracking thing isn't so hard! I found a TWIG! That is _clearly_ significant!

He has a FLASHBACK. He is in the OPERATING ROOM with CHRISTIAN and the BETH CORPSE.

CHRISTIAN: You've really gone too far this time, Jack. Now I know you've always been jealous of me, but that's no excuse for trying to take over my career.

JACK: I'm not trying to take over your career! I had to save your patient!

CHRISTIAN: Oh, stop with the delusions of grandeur.

JACK: Your hands were shaking! You cut the artery, the whatsit, the important one!

CHRISTIAN: Oh, god. How did you ever get through medical school?

JACK: Plot contrivance.

CHRISTIAN: Of course. The damned plot.

JACK: Father, how _could_ you?

CHRISTIAN: Cut the soap-opera theatrics, Jack. This isn't _General Hospital_.

JACK: No! I must show off my ability to cry on cue!

BETH CORPSE: You're dripping snot on me. Thanks so much for that.

CHRISTIAN: Listen, Jack. They called _me_ to do this procedure. _Me_, not you. What does that tell you?

JACK: That they made a grave error in judgment?

CHRISTIAN: No. It tells you that everyone's sick of you blubbering over every patient that dies, not to mention attempting to resuscitate them for hours at a time.

JACK: I'm just sensitive, okay? Sensitive men are sexy!

CHRISTIAN: Not when they drip snot everywhere, they're not.

JACK: Yeah, well, at least I'm not…an ALCOHOLIC!

CHRISTIAN: Oh, please. Anyone with you for a son would need a few drinks now and then.

Back on the ISLAND, LOCKE, KATE, and BOONE have found JACK.

LOCKE: Here he is. Damn.

KATE: So, Jack…did you…um, find anything?

JACK: Yeah! This twig, see?

KATE: Wow! Good job!

LOCKE: You should go back to the caves, Jack.

JACK: No way! I'm too much of a hero to go back!

LOCKE: But, Jack, we can't risk losing our only doctor. If you were _really_ a hero you'd have everyone's best interests at heart, so you'd go back. Right?

JACK: …My brain hurts. Let's go.

KATE: This exchange troubles me deeply.

BOONE: Why do you look troubled all the time?

KATE: What?

BOONE: I always see you gazing woefully at bits of sand. What's up with that?

KATE: Well, if you must know, I'm determined to gaze woefully at every patch of sand on the whole beach.

BOONE: Oh. Why?

KATE: I don't know. Because I look really hot while doing it?

At the CAVES, MICHAEL is TALKING to HURLEY.

MICHAEL: You know I really hate that John Locke character. It's like he doesn't want my help just because I lack any sort of hunting or tracking or jungle survival skills!

HURLEY: Imagine that.

MICHAEL: So I just formed my _own_ search party. Luckily all the other guys are redshirts, so I can use them as a shield in case anything dangerous happens.

WALT approaches.

WALT: I like Mr. Locke! And I hate _you_!

MICHAEL: Dammit, I thought we were bonding!

WALT: I'll never bond with you! I only bond with Mr. Locke!

MICHAEL: Walt! You are _not_ to be doing any bonding with child molesters! Now you stay here with Hurley!

HURLEY: Um. Dude. Did I volunteer to babysit?

Michael LEAVES.

HURLEY: Crap.

WALT: Yeah, you're stuck with me.

HURLEY: You know, I'm a pretty tough guy. Like your Mr. Locke.

WALT: Oh, silly fat man. Don't you know you're just the comic relief?

Somewhere in the JUNGLE, LOCKE and BOONE are TALKING.

LOCKE: You see, Brent—

BOONE: Boone.

LOCKE: —we use pieces of this red cloth to mark trees so we don't get lost.

BOONE: You mean we can't just unerringly find our way through the jungle like everyone else?

LOCKE: Nope.

JACK and KATE approach.

JACK: Locke! Why haven't you found anything yet!

LOCKE: Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

JACK: What the hell are you talking about? Get tracking!

KATE: Jack, what's wrong? You seem even more controlling and egotistical than usual.

JACK: Oh, Kate, this is all my fault because I didn't believe Claire!

KATE: Yes, it is.

JACK: You're supposed to comfort me!

KATE: Well, part of being a man is owning up to your own mistakes.

JACK: Sniffle, sniffle.

KATE: Oh, what am I saying, you're not a man. There, there Jack, it's all right, it's not your fault.

LOCKE: Hey, I found something!

It is one of the TAPE CIRCLES that CHARLIE had wrapped on his FINGERS.

TAPE: See? Told ya we were a plot point!

LOCKE: I think I'll use it as a finger puppet. And I'll call it Stanley. Or Gunther. Or maybe I'll call it…Jennifer.

KATE: Um…okay, but the important thing is that Charlie's leaving a trail for us to follow.

A little LATER, JACK FINDS another TAPE CIRCLE.

JACK: Oh boy! Do I get a gold star?

LOCKE: Woah, woah, hang on a sec… I've found another trail! Unless I'm wrong, and I am never wrong, they are headed dead into the fire swamp.

JACK: The _what_?

LOCKE: I mean, you know…that way.

JACK: Well, I like my trail better.

KATE: It could be, like…a false trail, or something.

LOCKE: My goodness! What genius! Kate, do you have a Ph.D in jungle tracking? Because only someone with specialized tracking knowledge could have thought of something that brilliant!

KATE: Um. It was really just common sense.

LOCKE: Well, that's more than Jack and Bill have. So you take Jack on that trail, and Bert and I will go to the fire swa—I mean, that way.

BOONE: Boone. I'm Boone.

LOCKE: Yeah, yeah.

Somewhere ELSE in the JUNGLE, WALT is now TALKING to SAWYER.

WALT: Guess what, Mr. Sawyer! Scott told me that Steve told him that Tracy told him that Craig told her that Neill told him that the pregnant lady was sitting in a rocking chair when she got kidnapped by that one guy from Kansas!

SAWYER: What's that, the redshirt grapevine?

WALT: Apparently, the guy from Kansas wasn't on the manifesto.

SAWYER: Oh, yeah? Where'd he come from, then?

WALT: Well, he could be from a group of ruthless, barefoot people who enjoy kidnapping and are living on the other side of the island.

WRITERS: Hey, good idea.

SAWYER: Hang on, hang on. Why am _I_ on the end of the redshirt grapevine?

WALT: You're not the end. You're supposed to tell Rose and the Chinese guy.

SAWYER: Oh, goody.

DEEP in the JUNGLE, LOCKE and BOONE are ostensibly TRACKING.

BOONE: My one tangible contribution to this entire show will be to name the redshirts!

LOCKE: Oh? What's their name, then?

BOONE: Uh…redshirts.

LOCKE: That's the best you got? I think they should be called…the dinkums.

BOONE: Um. Whatever. So, Mr. Locke, what do you do in the real world?

LOCKE: Please, Brad, call me John.

BOONE: Okay, _John_, please call _me_ Boone. Since that's my _name_.

LOCKE: Well, how can you expect me to remember a ridiculous name like _Boone_? Why didn't your parents give you a nice normal name, like Brad? And I worked for a box company. A box company that made _boxes_, none the less!

Somewhere ELSE deep in the JUNGLE, JACK and KATE are also ostensibly TRACKING.

KATE: Jack, I'm telling you, this frenzied running is _not_ a very good tracking style.

JACK: Well, that's clearly your fault for not being a better tracker.

KATE: It's hardly _my _fault. I mean, your frenzied running is basically obliterating the trail before I can even see it.

JACK: Hey, Kate! Let's have a Moment! Why don't you tell me a personal, moving story about your years as a fugitive?

KATE: Oh, thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?

Jack has a FLASHBACK. He is in his FATHER'S OFFICE.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, hey there, Jack. I just need you to sign this statement that says I was in no way shape or form under the influence while operating on that patient what's-her-name.

JACK: I won't! It's a _lie_!

CHRISTIAN: Did I, or did I not, tell you to quit it with the soap-opera theatrics? And also, is it really so hard to _shave_ once in a while?

JACK: The stubble is part of my fatigued-doctor look! I can't shave it off!

CHRISTIAN: Well, Jack, I too am a fatigued doctor, and yet I still manage to remain clean-shaven.

JACK: I guess I just have more testosterone than you.

Christian proceeds to LAUGH HYSTERICALLY for SEVERAL MINUTES.

JACK: What? _What_?

CHRISTIAN: Anyway…you've gotta sign this paper because, you know, I'll be disbarred or dismembered or something if you don't.

JACK: Never! You _deserve _to be dismembered! You were operating while _drunk_!

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, well, I could always accuse _you_ of operating while stupid. But I don't, Jack, I _don't_. It's called _family loyalty_.

JACK: I'm still not signing it.

CHRISTIAN: Sigh. On to Plan B. Jack, you're, um, a really, really awesome doctor.

JACK: Aw shucks.

CHRISTIAN: And it was _me_ who made you into such an awesome doctor. Because of the greater good and all. What I'm trying to say, Jack, is that I…I love you. Will you sign now?

JACK: Um…no.

CHRISTIAN: How about if I give you candy?

JACK: Well…

CHRISTIAN: Baby Bottle Pops, your favorite.

JACK: The blue raspberry kind?

CHRISTIAN: Of course.

JACK: Well, okay. I'll sign.

Back on the ISLAND, SAYID is at the CAVES, SLEEPING. He WAKES UP, to see SAWYER standing over him.

SAYID: Oh no, I've had enough with people watching me sleep, thank you very much.

SAWYER: Well, Walt told me that Scott told him that Steve told him that Tracy told him that Craig told her that Neill told him that the Indian guy had escaped from the chick with hairy legs.

SAYID: Close enough.

SAWYER: So I decided to come visit to see if you'd thought up any new choreogra— I mean…to threaten you. Yeah.

SAYID: I feel very bad about torturing you, Sawyer. Very, very bad. And I will never again torture another living soul. Ever. Not even the leader of the Others himself!

SAWYER: Others?

SAYID: Yeah, the French chick told me all about the invisible, whispering Others. She also told me about the sickness. Oops, I mean, the SICKNESS!dramatic underscore!

SAWYER: Uh-huh, that's real interesting. Well, I just want you to know that I kept your signal fire burning while you were gone.

SAYID: Oh Sawyer…you _do_ care!

SAWYER: Yeah, yeah…

On the BEACH, WALT and HURLEY are playing BACKGAMMON.

WALT: The purpose of this scene is to establish that I am supernaturally lucky! And also to emphasize that I have no relationship with my father!

AUDIENCE: Gah! Brains…exploding…

DEAF and/or BLIND AUDIENCE: Yes, even _we_ get it now.

WALT: Ha ha, you lose!

HURLEY: Grr.

WALT: We could play Craphole Island Clue instead?

HURLEY: No, I hate that game. It's always Charlie in the jungle with the golf club.

Deep in the JUNGLE, LOCKE and BOONE are NOT REALLY TRACKING anymore.

LOCKE: But why go back? It's such a nice day!

BOONE: Um, wouldn't it be smarter to go back and look for the trail where we last saw—

LOCKE: So, Bryce, what do you do in the real world?

BOONE: Boone. I'm the CEO of a company!

LOCKE: The CEO? Wow! What kind of company?

BOONE: Um. Oh, it's, you know, nothing really, just a…uh, well, it's actually kind of a company that does, you know, a little bit of wedding stuff, but—

LOCKE: Oh. So you're gay?

BOONE: No! I'm very authoritative and manly!

LOCKE: Um, right. Anywho, it's gonna start raining in EXACTLY ONE MINUTE.

BOONE: Really.

LOCKE: You should go back. I don't want you anymore now that I've realized you're possibly even more useless than Chico. At least Chico could hook me up with some heroin.

BOONE: I can't go back! I'm a Jack wannabe, I have to save Charlie and Claire! Plus I'd probably get lost, 'cause we ran out of red shirt about an hour ago.

It starts RAINING.

LOCKE: See? Told ya.

BOONE: That wasn't a minute! It wasn't even thirty seconds!

LOCKE: It's supposed to show that I have a mystical bond with the island, okay, Bree?

BOONE: Bree's a girl's name!

LOCKE: Whatever. Let's go, Butch!

Somewhere ELSE deep in the JUNGLE, JACK and KATE are still TRACKING through a very OMINOUS area. We know it is ominous because of the MUSIC, also because it is RAINING.

JACK: Hey, here's another one of those tape circle thingies! That means this _must_ be the right trail!

KATE: Oh, definitely. I mean, the first tape circle could have been a false trail, but Ethan couldn't possibly have planted this second one!

Then, they hear a HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM.

JACK: Oh no! Charlie's in trouble!

They go RACING off in the DIRECTION of the SCREAM. Jack SLIPS and ROLLS down the HILL.

JACK: Dammit!

ETHAN: I'm ba-aaack!

JACK: Dammit!

ETHAN: I don't know how you guys thought I was a normal survivor. 'Cause I am clearly evil.

JACK: Oh, yeah? You wanna go? I can take you!

ETHAN: Don't make me laugh.

Ethan proceeds to give Jack the BEATING that has been COMING to him since EPISODE ONE.

JACK: Can't…lose… I am…the hero…

ETHAN: Good heavens. Are you still trying to win?

He KICKS Jack into the MUD.

ETHAN: Toodles!

Jack has a brief FLASHBACK. He is in the HOSPITAL, watching as CHRISTIAN COMFORTS BETH'S HUSBAND.

JACK: This is very upsetting. It almost makes me want to…cry.

Back on the ISLAND, KATE has FOUND JACK.

KATE: We have to go back. The rain's washed away the trail.

JACK: NO! I'll just run off in a random direction and hope for the best!

He has another FLASHBACK. He is in some sort of IMPORTANT DOCTOR MEETING. However, he still HASN'T SHAVED.

CHRISTIAN: Blah blah…internal bleeding…blah blah…too late…

IMPORTANT DOCTOR GUY: By the way, the patient was also PREGNANT!

JACK: My goodness! This changes everything! My father killed not only a woman, but also her unborn child!

CHRISTIAN: Jack! Stop! Look, here's a Baby Bottle—

JACK: No! Not even my favorite candy can stop me from doing what's right! Yes, Important Doctor Guy, I have something to say. My father cut open the patient's whatsit artery! Because he was DRUNK! I said

DRUNK!

CHRISTIAN: My jerkwad of a son is exaggerating. I wasn't drunk. I only had _one_ tequila and tonic. Plus a Grey Goose martini. And some rum, with a Jack Daniels chaser. Followed by—

IMPORTANT DOCTOR GUY: I've heard enough.

JACK: Ratting out my father is very upsetting to me. Emote, emote, emote!

CHRISTIAN: Oh, Jack. Must you cry in _every_ flashback? _I'm_ the one who's just lost his job. And do you see me crying? No, you do not. That's because I'm a _man_, Jack, a _man_. You should try it sometime.

Back on the ISLAND, JACK and KATE are HURRYING through the JUNGLE. They find CHARLIE, who has been HANGED from a TREE.

JACK: Oh boy! This is a chance to show off my true skills as an island doctor hero! Kate! I'll hold Charlie up while you cut him down!

He DOES so.

CHARLIE: Um, could you please get your face out of my crotch?

Kate CUTS Charlie DOWN.

KATE: Jack! Jack, ohmygawd! Is he dead?

JACK: Why do you care? It's only Charlie.

KATE: Oh. Right. Whew. I was worried there for a second.

CHARLIE: This is bloody depressing.

KATE: He _looks_ kinda dead.

JACK: Actually, it just so happens that he's only _mostly_ dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead.

KATE: Yeah? So can you save him?

JACK: I don't know. I mean, I don't have any peroxide. Or any magic chocolate-covered pills.

KATE: Chocolate-covered pills?

JACK: The chocolate coating makes it go down easier.

KATE: Well, maybe you should use some Charlie Pace Resuscitation techniques.

JACK: CPR?

KATE: Yeah.

CHARLIE: Is somebody gonna save me, or what?

JACK: Well, I'll just pound on his chest for a while, see if that does anything.

It DOESN'T.

KATE: Oh well, Jack…you tried.

JACK: Oh Kate, I'm a failure! In fact, I'm so upset I'm going to cry!

KATE: Jack, nobody's gonna blame you for his death. It's not like he was important, or anything.

CHARLIE: Please, just kill me. Save me from my miserable, pathetic existence.

MUSIC: Sad…death…sad…

JACK: No! I can't give up! I _must_ prove that I truly am an island doctor hero!

He continues to POUND on Charlie's CHEST.

KATE: How long are you planning to do that?

JACK: Can't…give…up… Must…be…hero…

KATE: Oh, god. This is getting tiresome, Jack.

CHRISTIAN in a brief CAMEO: Now you know how _I_ felt. Is it any wonder I turned to alcohol?

Suddenly, CHARLIE begins to BREATHE!

KATE: Woah. How did _that_ happen?

JACK: Don't look at me. I'm just as surprised as you are.

KATE: Must be a plot contrivance, then.

JACK: He was only not breathing for about ten minutes…he wouldn't have _too_ much brain damage or anything.

CHARLIE: I'm ALIVE! Damn it.

LATER, back at the CAVES, JACK, KATE, and CHARLIE have RETURNED, along with MICHAEL and the REDSHIRT SEARCH PARTY.

MICHAEL: Yeah, I knew we wouldn't find anything…who ever heard of redshirts doing something that would actually get into the episode?

WALT: DAD! I am incongruously happy to see you!

JACK: Feeling okay, Charlie?

CHARLIE: Actually, my neck—

JACK: That's great. Anyway, I'm going back into the jungle tomorrow to rescue Claire, so anything you can tell me that would help…

CHARLIE: Help you be a bloody hero, you mean?

JACK: Yes. Exactly.

CHARLIE: No! You're always the hero! When will it be Charlie's turn?

JACK: Um, never.

CHARLIE: Well, I can't _remember_ anything that happened in the jungle! So there!

JACK: You're being awfully childish, Charlie. But I'll forgive you on account of your having been mostly dead all afternoon.

CHARLIE: I'll tell you this one thing… THEY just wanted Claire!

JACK: They?

CHARLIE: The…OTHERS!

JACK: Others?

CHARLIE: Yep. Others. Very ominous folk.

ELSEWHERE at the CAVES, SHANNON approaches KATE.

SHANNON: Um, so Boone isn't back yet, and I'm getting a little worried…

KATE: Oh, how sweet of you to be showing sisterly concern.

SHANNON: What? Oh—sisterly. Right. Because I'm his sister.

KATE: Well, I wouldn't worry. I'm sure he's safe with Locke.

SHANNON: Um, hello, what island are you on? Last I checked Locke was a creepy and barely sane old bald man.

Somewhere DEEP in the JUNGLE, LOCKE and BOONE are NOT EVEN PRETENDING to TRACK anymore.

BOONE: Sooo…if we're not following a trail, what exactly are we following?

LOCKE: Well, I keep hearing this voice in my head that's telling me where to go.

HATCH: I'm over heeeeere…

LOCKE: There it is again!

BOONE: Okay, I'm thinkin' you're a little bit not quite sane. I'm going back.

LOCKE: I thought you said you'd get lost?

BOONE: I think I'm probably safer alone in the jungle than alone with you.

LOCKE: Well, that's not a very nice thing to say. Here, have this plot device—I mean, flashlight.

He THROWS the FLASHLIGHT. Boone, being a LOSER, MISSES it. It makes a CLANK NOISE on the GROUND.

BOONE: Um, that's not how the jungle floor normally sounds.

LOCKE: No, Butch, it's not.

And so the HATCH is DISCOVERED.

BOONE: Could it be part of the plane? That somehow fell all the way out here and buried itself deep, deep in the earth? Could it? Huh, could it?

LOCKE: Butch, your teachers at school may have told you there's no such thing as a stupid question. Well, they were wrong.

BOONE: So what do _you_ think it is, then, _John_, if you're so smart?

LOCKE: I think it's a hatch.

BOONE: A hatch?

LOCKE: Yep. I mean, first the Others, now the hatch? I think we actually have a plot now! It's so exciting!

-LOST-

* * *

AN: Updated right on schedule, yay me. :P I should probably retitle this the Princess Bride chapter…originally I was only going to have the one Prince Humperdinck tracking reference, but then I got a little carried away. So unfortunately, if you haven't seen The Princess Bride, well, first of all, shame on you, and second of all, you probably thought some lines sounded a little strange.

Like I said last chapter I'm going camping con mis amigos tomorrow, so the next update will probably be in about two weeks. And after that I'm starting college, so updates won't be as frequent as they have been over the summer. I'm not the type to study or spend a lot of time on schoolwork (I'm more of the procrastinator type :D), but hopefully I'll be too busy, you know, having a life to write parody all the time. But my goal is to finish season one and get a good start on season two before next summer.

I have one request for you all (well, besides review). I recently got a new laptop, for school, and I need a name for it. It's a very nice expensive laptop, so I think a sort of sophisticated-sounding male name would be best. Anything you can suggest would be appreciated!

Have a nice day.


	12. Episode 12: Whatever the Case May Be

Episode Twelve:  
Whatever the Case May Be, _or_ In which the good and pure of heart Sayid is seduced by the evil temptress Shannon

IIIIIIIIIIIII

Scene opens on the JUNGLE, where KATE is in a TREE, PICKING FRUIT.

KATE: And the purpose of this scene is to show that I am hot.

SAWYER: It's working.

KATE: What? What was that?

SAWYER: Uh…chirp, chirp?

KATE: Oh, just a bird.

She CLIMBS DOWN the tree.

KATE: Whew, I'm all sweaty!

SAWYER: Mmmm…

KATE: What's that?

SAWYER: Meow.

KATE: Oh. Just a cat.

She begins to WALK AWAY.

KATE: Wait a second, there are no cats in the jungle! Someone's following me!

She THROWS a ROCK into the BUSHES. Somehow, it HITS her TARGET and SAWYER emerges.

SAWYER: Why are you throwing rocks at me with your preternaturally accurate aim?

KATE: Oh, it's you. Don't you and Sayid have some choreography to be going over?

SAWYER: I don't know what you're talking about.

KATE: Sayid won't be very happy when I tell him you're stalking me.

SAWYER: It's not _stalking_. I just have the very masculine urge to protect you, you helpless female-type creature.

KATE: Well, if one rock takes you out then I have to say I don't feel very protected. Besides, I'm not a wimp like Claire or Charlie, I can go into the jungle by myself and be perfectly safe.

SAWYER: I will now be entertaining by doing an impression of Kate!

KATE: That's not funny.

SAWYER: Then why are you laughing?

KATE: I'm not laughing.

SAWYER: Yes you are.

KATE: Am not.

SAWYER: You _are_! You like me! I knew it!

KATE: Nuh-uh!

Then they EMERGE from the jungle at a GORGEOUS PARADISE LAGOON, complete with MATCHING WATERFALL.

KATE: Oooh.

SAWYER: Oh boy! This is a perfect opportunity for some Shirtless Sawyer Screentime!

KATE: How about Pantsless Kate Screentime?

SAWYER: Even better!

They go SWIMMING, complete with DUNKING and TICKLING and general NAUSEATING CUTENESS.

KATE: _Jack_ never has time to be nauseatingly cute with me. He's always too busy being a _hero_.

SAWYER: So you _do_ like me!

KATE: Don't tell anyone. I've got my jungle cred to uphold here.

SAWYER: Let's celebrate by diving off rocks into unknown waters!

KATE: Okay! I mean, there could be a rock right underneath the surface for us to crack our heads open on, but I don't care!

Then they FIND the GROSS DEAD PEOPLE underwater.

KATE: Talk about spoiling a mood.

SAWYER: Damn it. Kate's not gonna want to put out now.

-LOST-

Scene opens at the LAGOON, where KATE and SAWYER have SURFACED.

SAWYER: So, Kate, the sight of those gnarly old dead people didn't traumatize you or anything, did it?

KATE: Mm…nope.

SAWYER: No lasting damage?

KATE: I'm good.

SAWYER: Great! Well, I'm just gonna do some grave-robbing!

KATE: There is no grave.

SAWYER: I was being _metaphorical_.

They both go UNDERWATER again as Sawyer PATS DOWN the GROSS DEAD PEOPLE. Kate notices a SILVER CASE.

KATE: I am shocked at the appearance of an item from my past!

SAWYER: Yeah, because the past _never_ plays a role in what happens on the island.

Upon RESURFACING…

KATE: Sawyer! Go down and get my case for me!

SAWYER: What? You think you can just order me around and—

KATE: Yes.

SAWYER: Fine! But I'm gonna grumble about it!

He GETS the CASE and both RETURN to SHORE.

KATE: Now I will hold the case very awkwardly in a way that clearly shows I have never held it before!

SAWYER: Aha! I am about to make a very startling observation! That case…_isn't yours_!

KATE: Good one. You've got me all figured out.

SAWYER: Hm… But if the case isn't _yours_…then why did you _want_ it?

KATE: Oh, Sawyer, you just keep getting smarter and smarter. Now I will walk away very casually and leave the case behind!

SAWYER: This is very mysterious! Mysterious mysterious mysterious!

Meanwhile, at the BEACH, LUGGAGE is washing out to SEA as various SURVIVORS attempt to RESCUE it.

SAYID: Even though I am a genius, I don't know why the tide is changing so suddenly! But I think it is very strange!

JACK: Yep. That big hunk of metal in the sand there is gonna be underwater soon.

SAYID: The fuselage?

JACK: The what?

SAYID: Part of the plane? The plane that we _crashed_ here in?

JACK: I _know_ that, Sayid.

SAYID: Hm.

JACK: Well, anywho…Sayid, I want you to take me to the French chick!

SAYID: Um…why?

JACK: Because, as the hero, it really should have been me who discovered her in the first place. And, as the hero, I need any information that will help me rescue Claire from the Others!

SAYID: There are no Others.

JACK: What? But yesterday you kept saying there were!

SAYID: Yeah, I changed my mind.

JACK: But you said you _heard_ them!

SAYID: Well, that was _clearly_ the wind! Duh!

JACK: Well then, how do you explain Claire's abduction?

SAYID: I dunno. Polar bears?

JACK: Sayid, you are very exasperating. Now I think you should get a move on figuring out the French chick's maps!

SAYID: Sorry, can't! Don't speak French!

JACK: And you couldn't find someone who _does_ speak French to help you?

SAYID: Oh my goodness, Jack! It's a good thing we have you here to be in charge, 'cause I never would have thought of that! Not in a million years!

JACK: Well, that's why I'm the hero and not you

Elsewhere on the BEACH, SHANNON is FLAUNTING her USELESSNESS by reading a MAGAZINE. BOONE approaches.

BOONE: The fact that Shannon is useless has been reiterated almost as many times as Michael and Walt's lack of a father-son relationship!

SHANNON: Well, I'd rather be useless than try to be useful and fail miserably, like you.

BOONE: Yeah, well…you suck!

LATER, it is NIGHT-TIME and KATE is sitting by her FIRE. She sees SAWYER with the CASE and looks TROUBLED.

KATE: I do _have_ other facial expressions, you know.

She has a FLASHBACK. She is TAKING OUT a LOAN in NEW MEXICO with the BANK MANAGER, MARK HUTTON.

KATE: La de da, I am a sweet and innocent young photographer! See, this is my "sweet and innocent" face!

HUTTON: I am completely taken in by this sweet and innocent young photographer! Plus she's pretty hot!

Suddenly, some BANK ROBBERS come inside with GUNS!

KATE: This is my "shocked and terrified" face!

The bank robbers make EVERYONE get on the FLOOR, while HOLDING the BANK MANAGER at GUNPOINT.

KATE: I have nothing to do with this! I'm just as shocked and terrified as everyone else!

BANK ROBBER JASON: Break out the money, you sonofabitch! I am soooo hard-core!

Back on the ISLAND, KATE is SNEAKING into SAWYER'S TENT.

KATE: I'm not gonna watch him sleep, or anything. I just want my case!

The CASE is BETWEEN his LEGS.

KATE: Well, _that's_ interesting. I mean…not that I want to _touch_ him there, or anything. I'll just take my case…

SAWYER: Guess what, I'm a light sleeper.

He WRAPS his LEGS around Kate.

KATE: Oh, woe is me. This is horrible, just horrible.

SAWYER: Sexual banter!

KATE: Headbutt!

SAWYER: OW! Dammit, ow! First the rock throwing, now the headbutting…I thought you liked me!

KATE: Gimme my case, you bastard!

SAWYER: Oh, so _now_ you want the case. Why didn't you just take it before, instead of walking off and letting _me_ have it?

KATE: I'm complicated like that.

The NEXT DAY, SHANNON is SUNBATHING, in a DIFFERENT BIKINI. She UNTIES the STRAPS so as to get a more ATTRACTIVE TANLINE. SAYID approaches.

SAYID: Hello, um, half-naked white girl.

SHANNON: La de da, let me sit up and hold a towel over my chest! Seduce, seduce, seduce.

SAYID: Your evil temptress wiles won't work on me, for I am good and pure of heart!

SHANNON: Whatever.

SAYID: Yes, I am here strictly for business purposes. I need your help translating the French chick's maps.

SHANNON: Sorry, sounds like too much work.

SAYID: Pleeeease? I'll let you seduce me some more.

SHANNON: What about Sawyer?

SAYID: Oh, he's too busy stalking Kate these days.

Elsewhere on the BEACH, SAWYER is ATTEMPTING to PICK the CASE'S LOCK. He is LAUGHABLY UNSUCCESSFUL. MICHAEL and HURLEY approach.

MICHAEL: That's a Halliburton, man.

HURLEY: Ha ha!

MICHAEL: You've got as much chance of picking that lock as I have of forming a relationship with my son.

HURLEY: Ha ha!

MICHAEL: And that's not a lot.

HURLEY: Ha ha!

MICHAEL: IMPACT VELOCITY!

SAWYER: What about impact velocity?

MICHAEL: Nothing. That was just to remind everyone that I'm actually a smart person.

Somewhere in the JUNGLE, BOONE is walking with the AX. He approaches LOCKE.

LOCKE: Butch, what are you doing with that ax?

BOONE: Um, you told me to bring it. Are you sure you're not going senile?

LOCKE: No, Butch, I'm not senile. Now let's get to that latch!

BOONE: Hatch.

LOCKE: That's what I said. Hatch.

Meanwhile, on the BEACH, CHARLIE is SITTING. ROSE approaches with some WRECKAGE.

ROSE: Charlie, I'm here to boost you out of your wallowing depression.

CHARLIE: Oh joy.

ROSE: I'm kind of like the cheap island version of Oprah.

Somewhere in the JUNGLE, SAWYER is WHACKING the CASE on a ROCK.

SAWYER: Whack-a-Case, Whack-a-Case!

He is VERY UNSUCCESSFUL.

SAWYER: But I won't give up! I'll just have to use my brains to solve the problem!

Sawyer's idea of using his brains is to DROP the CASE from the top of a SMALL CLIFF.

SAWYER: Oh, yep, this is definitely a genius idea. I won't have any control over how the case hits the ground, but I'm sure it'll hit in exactly the right place to make it open!

He DROPS the CASE. It DOESN'T OPEN.

SAWYER: Oh, shock! How could this not have worked!

Just then, KATE appears from the JUNGLE and TAKES the CASE.

KATE: Nice try! Toodles!

SAWYER: You followed me out here?

KATE: Yep. You were too busy singing "My Heart Will Go On" to notice.

SAWYER: I was NOT!

Sawyer does a TARZAN and CLIMBS down a VINE to CHASE Kate. He CATCHES her.

SAWYER: Nice try, but I'm just too fast for you!

KATE: Headbu—

SAWYER: I'm much too smart to get caught by _that_ move again! You see, I learn from past exp—

KATE: Headbutt!

SAWYER: Dammit!

He RELEASES Kate.

KATE: You keep forgetting I'm not some poor helpless female.

SAWYER: That's why I'm ready to bargain. Just tell me what's inside the—

KATE: NO!

SAWYER: I didn't even finish—

KATE: I'll never make a bargain with you!

SAWYER: Watch it, Freckles. Keep interrupting me and I'm gonna think Jack's starting to rub off on you.

KATE: Gasp! Well, since you've _insulted_ me now, I'll _definitely_ never tell you what's inside!

She has a FLASHBACK. The BANK ROBBERY is still PROCEEDING.

BANK ROBBER JASON: So I'm, like, a totally bad-ass criminal, and you'd better gimme the money before I, like, blow your brains out!

HUTTON: Mm…no.

A FAT MAN attempts to DISARM another BANK ROBBER. The GUN lands at KATE'S FEET.

KATE: Well, this is interesting. And very coincidental!

FAT MAN: I can see that you're a sweet, innocent young woman, but I'm asking you to KILL THE EVIL BANK ROBBERS!

KATE: This is my "helpless and terrified woman" face! I…I don't know how to use a gun!

RANDOM BANK CUSTOMER: I think you just pull the trigger.

KATE: The what?

FAT MAN: The trigger! Pull the trigger!

KATE: I can't! It's too…slippery!

FAT MAN: Oh for— This is getting suspicious!

BANK ROBBER JASON: Okay, Mag— I mean, little woman I've never seen before! Let's go into this office over here so we can have sex— I mean, so I can beat you up!

KATE: God, you're an idiot.

They RETIRE into the OFFICE, where it is REVEALED that Kate is called MAGGIE and is IN LEAGUE with the BANK ROBBERS!

BANK ROBBER JASON: We're basically a young hot version of Bonny and Clyde. Now let us kiss with tongues!

Back on the ISLAND, SHANNON and SAYID are sitting in a MAKESHIFT OFFICE made of what else but the ubiquitous BLUE TARP.

SHANNON: Well, sooo…I'm not really having much luck here.

SAYID: Shannon, I know you can do it.

SHANNON: R-really? You do?

SAYID: Absolutely. I don't think you're useless at _all_. In fact, let's have a Moment!

SHANNON: You're not just saying that to get into my pants?

SAYID: Um. No.

SHANNON: Well, I guess I'll keep trying then. Plus you're pretty hot.

SAYID: Hm…I vaguely remember something about this chick Nadia back in Iraq…

SHANNON: And I'm not wearing a bra.

SAYID: What? Nadia who?

At the CAVES, SUN is TENDING to some PLANTS. JACK approaches.

JACK: HELLO. WHAT. IS. THIS. PLANT. FOR.

SUN: I hate you.

JACK: I. DON'T. UNDER. STAND.

SUN: Then let me be more clear. I. HATE. YOU.

KATE approaches.

KATE: Jack, I need your help.

JACK: Oh. Why?

KATE: I mean, I know you're basically an idiot, not to mention completely controlling and egotistical, but you're also a _good person_. And that's why I like _you_. And not Sawyer.

JACK: Duh.

KATE: Yeah. Anyway, Sawyer's got this case of the marshal's, and there are GUNS inside it!

JACK: GUNS!

SUN: GUNS! I mean…I'm not eavesdropping.

KATE: Yeah, and I figure we'll need those guns to confront any mysterious, murderous jungle natives who show up.

JACK: Why do you want _my_ help? I've never held a gun in my life!

KATE: I know, you're too much of a wuss. I just need you to tell me where the marshal is buried, so I can dig him up and get the key.

JACK: Doing a little grave-robbing, then, Kate? Watch out or I'm gonna think Sawyer's starting to rub off on you! Ha ha!

KATE: Um. That's crazy talk.

JACK: I know! You hate Sawyer!

KATE: Yes. Yes I do.

JACK: But I am suspicious about this so-called _case_. So we're gonna open it together, okay?

KATE: Actually, I'd rather—

JACK: Good, it's settled then.

On the BEACH, ROSE and CHARLIE are MOVING STUFF.

CHARLIE: I have fallen into a dark hole of depression into which light never shines.

ROSE: Life is good!

CHARLIE: Um, what island are you on? Mysterious monsters! Murderous polar bears! Evil Others!

ROSE: Well, _anything_ sounds bad if you only look at the negative side! You've gotta look at the positive side, too! It's a beautiful day! We have our health to be thankful for!

CHARLIE: …What is _wrong_ with you?

ROSE: I got religion.

In the JUNGLE, JACK and KATE are preparing to DIG UP the MARSHAL.

KATE: Awfully convenient that he didn't get burned in the fuselage with everyone else!

JACK: Oh, yeah, you know, um… I, like, needed to bury him…because I equated him with my father…? Or something.

Kate has a FLASHBACK. She is still in the OFFICE with JASON.

KATE: Hit me, baby!

JASON: Sure.

He WALLOPS her across the FACE so that she LOOKS BEATEN UP, and they EXIT the OFFICE.

JASON: So, Mr. Bank Manager, see how hard-core I really am? Super hard-core! And if you don't open up the vault, I will _kill_ Mag— I mean, this random woman!

HUTTON: Well, okay. I am simply too good of a person to refuse when another's life is in danger!

JASON: Good people are _so_ predictable. That's why _I_ decided to become a bad-ass hard-core criminal type!

KATE: What the hell am I even _doing_ with this loser?

Back on the ISLAND, JACK and KATE are DIGGING UP the BODY, by which they are suitably DISGUSTED.

SAWYER in a brief CAMEO: Why didn't anyone invite _me_? You know grave-robbing is my favorite leisure pursuit!

JACK: Are you okay, Kate? You're not traumatized by the sight of a mouldering corpse?

KATE: Jack, please stop pretending that I'm a delicate female.

JACK: If you would just wear that dress I found for you—

KATE: You're delusional. Anyway, I'll just grab the wallet, palm the key before Jack sees it, and I'm golden! No way I'm going to share the contents of that case with an idiot like him.

She opens the WALLET, which is full of MAGGOTS.

KATE: Ew! Gross! Ew ew ew ew!

JACK: I thought you just said you weren't a delicate female.

KATE: Um.

JACK: Highly suspicious, I am!

He takes the WALLET, but finds NO KEY.

KATE: Would ya look at that. Too bad. Oh well, see ya!

JACK: Hang on just one second! I have suddenly developed super lie-detecting ability and I know the key is hidden in your hand!

KATE: What the hell?

JACK: That's one of the perks of being the hero! I can suddenly develop these talents that only last one scene and will never be explained!

KATE: Watch it, Jack. You're making me want to join Charlie's Jack-hate club.

JACK: So, thanks for the key.

KATE: Um, excuse me, you can't just _take_—

JACK: You forfeited your right to the key when you _lied_ to me! I thought our relationship meant more to you than that!

KATE: _What_ relationship? And I want my key!

JACK: Sorry! My key now!

Back at the BEACH, SAYID and SHANNON are still working on the MAPS.

SHANNON: Your French friend must have been on some crazy shit when she wrote this stuff.

SAYID: No! Somehow it is _your_ fault that what she wrote doesn't make any sense!

SHANNON: But I think I might have been on the _same_ crazy shit, 'cause it sounds kind of familiar.

SAYID: You really _are_ useless.

SHANNON: I hate you!

She STORMS off.

SAYID: Somehow, I am touched by this display of spoiled brat behavior.

NADIA in a brief CAMEO: Sayiiiiid…

SAYID: I didn't hear anything!

Elsewhere on the BEACH, JACK approaches SAWYER at his TENT.

JACK: Gimme the case.

SAWYER: …No.

JACK: Gimme the case.

SAWYER: No.

JACK: Gimme the case.

SAWYER: …Okay.

KATE is SITTING on some WRECKAGE, looking TROUBLED.

KATE: There's a bit of sand over here that I haven't gazed at woefully yet.

JACK approaches with the CASE.

JACK: Okay, Kate. We're gonna open this thing together! 'Cause I always keep my word!

KATE: Wow, Jack! That's so magnanimous of you! I mean, considering that it's basically _my_ case!

JACK: Oh, I know. It's so big of me to actually let you see inside it.

Kate has a FLASHBACK. The BANK ROBBERS are inside the VAULT with KATE and HUTTON.

HUTTON: Please don't hurt the sweet, innocent young photographer!

BANK ROBBER JASON: Oh, I won't hurt _her_, she's the freakin' mastermind! _You_, on the other hand…

HUTTON: Well! See if I ever flirt with any young hot photographers again!

KATE: In order to remind everyone that I'm actually good at heart, I will insist that nobody gets hurt!

BANK ROBBER JASON: Too ba—

KATE: Except you, of course. I don't care about hurting _you_.

She GRABS a GUN from another BANK ROBBER and SHOOTS Jason in the LEG.

JASON: You _shot_ me!

KATE: Uh, yeah.

She SHOOTS all the OTHER BANK ROBBERS as they stand there DOING NOTHING.

OTHER BANK ROBBERS: We have very slow reaction times.

KATE: See that, Jason? _That's_ what we call hard-core!

HUTTON: I shoulda stayed home sick today.

KATE: How're you doing, Mark?

HUTTON: Uh. Fine.

KATE: Good! I just need one _teensy_ little favor from you, okay?

HUTTON: Well, you've got a gun, and you just shot three guys, so…sure.

KATE: If you could be a doll and open this one safe deposit box for me, that would be _great_.

HUTTON: …Are you bipolar?

Slightly LATER, Kate OPENS the deposit BOX to find…a small ENVELOPE.

KATE: _Clearly_ worth all the trouble.

Back on the ISLAND, JACK and KATE are at the CAVES with the CASE.

JACK: Okay, Kate! I'm opening the case now, Kate! It's your last chance to tell me the truth, Kate!

KATE: Well, there's this—

JACK: Fine, be that way!

KATE: Why do I even bother.

Jack OPENS the CASE to find GUNS, AMMO, MONEY, and a small PACKAGE, apparently containing the SAME ITEM as the ENVELOPE from the SAFE DEPOSIT BOX. Kate OPENS the PACKAGE (while looking TROUBLED) to find a LITTLE TOY PLANE.

JACK: Kate! You went through all this just to get a toy?

KATE: This is nothing. Once I robbed a bank and shot three guys for it.

JACK: So what's the big deal?

KATE: Oh, it belonged to this guy, I think he was my boyfriend or my childhood best friend or something, I dunno, the writers haven't really gotten that far…anyway, I killed him accidentally, or maybe on purpose, or maybe it was just my fault that he died…anyway, he died and I had something to do with it.

WRITERS: We're leaving our options open.

KATE: And now I will burst into tears because of the emotional volatility that this plane has awoken within me.

JACK: Well, I would comfort you, but I have important hero things to be doing. Plus I get nervous around big words.

That NIGHT, at the NEW CAMP down the BEACH, CHARLIE SITS with ROSE.

CHARLIE: Your husband is dead.

ROSE: Is not!

CHARLIE: Is too!

ROSE: I'm not going to argue with you. I have God on my side. Beat_ that_!

CHARLIE: Yeah? Well, I have…this mango!

ROSE: I win.

CHARLIE: Maybe. But you'll starve to death before I do.

SHANNON approaches SAYID at his FIRE.

SHANNON: I thought I'd have another go at seducing you.

SAYID: Okay!

SHANNON: So first I'll mention an old boyfriend to make you jealous and insecure. And then I'll sing in French!

SAYID: You're awful sexy.

SHANNON: Oh yeah, and something about a little French boy and a song from _Finding Nemo_. I'm not too clear on that part.

SAYID: Whatever. Keep singing.

In a SETUP for the NEXT EPISODE, BOONE is watching this JEALOUSLY from the SHADOWS.

BOONE: Notice the ominous tilt to my eyebrows. Just when you thought they couldn't get any scarier!

KATE is SITTING by her own FIRE with her PLANE.

KATE: I don't need Jack _or_ Sawyer! I've got my little toy plane! I shall call it Squishy, and it shall be mine, and it shall be my Squishy.

PLANE: I'm not squishy.

KATE: Shut up before I chuck you into the fire.

-LOST-

IIIIIII

AN: All Finding Nemo references are fair game from now on, and I intend to exploit this fact to the best of my ability. Just a warning.

I was (mostly) kidding about calling Shannon an evil temptress. I am (or was) actually a reluctant Shayider. Reluctant because, of course, I really want Sayid for myself. Plus I didn't like Shannon much at first. Then I started liking her. Then she died.

I managed to post this chappie before I planned, so I'll be able to get Hearts and Minds up before I leave for school. Which is good, because I've been looking forward to Hearts and Minds practically since I started these parodies. Thus far any Boone-bashing has been overshadowed by the Jack-bashing, but this discrepancy will soon be corrected. :oD

Until next time...review, and make me happy.


	13. Episode 13: Hearts and Minds, pt 1

Episode Thirteen:  
Hearts and Minds, _or_ In which Shannon and Boone are (almost) incestuous

* * *

Scene opens on the BEACH, where BOONE is WATCHING SHANNON in a CREEPY way. SAYID approaches. 

SAYID: I decided to try my hand at a little seduction of my own! Here, Shannon, have these fancy Italian shoes!

SHANNON: Wow! Such a practical gift for use on a deserted island!

SAYID: Yes, I thought so. I think they belonged to some dead chick.

SHANNON: How romantic!

SAYID: Yep, just call me Don Juan.

SHANNON: Oh Sayid!

SAYID: Oh Nad—Shannon!

HURLEY approaches Boone.

HURLEY: Listen, dude, basically I think you're useless and a sucky boar hunter, but I'm gonna say it in a real nice way, 'kay?

BOONE: Why don't you go tell _Locke_ that he's a useless sucky boar hunter?

HURLEY: Ha, yeah right! He'd probably stab me! You, on the other hand, are obviously too wimpy to be a danger to anyone. Even with those terrifying eyebrows, which seem to be your only weapon.

BOONE: Whatever.

He has a FLASHBACK. He is at a COUNTRY CLUB with a BLONDE. His CELL PHONE is RINGING. He ANSWERS, and it is SHANNON.

SHANNON: Boone! I'm being ABUSED!

BOONE: What?

SHANNON: My jerk boyfriend is ABUSING me!

BOONE: I don't care.

SHANNON: Yes you do.

BOONE: Do not!

SHANNON: Do too!

BOONE: Okay, I do.

SHANNON: So I want you to come pay him off, m-kay?

BOONE: Is this a setup?

SHANNON: Nope. No. No way.

BOONE: Okay. Good. Where are you?

SHANNON: Sydney.

BOONE: …?

SHANNON: In _Australia_?

BOONE: …?

SHANNON: God, you're an idiot.

Back on the ISLAND, BOONE approaches SAYID on the BEACH.

BOONE: Hey Sayid, if you don't stop trying to seduce my sister, I'm gonna beat you up!

SAYID: Oh, really? Before or after you lead a mission to Mars?

BOONE: Hey! I'm serious, man!

SAYID: Or will it be when you've actually accomplish something useful?

BOONE: I hate you.

SAYID: I'd love to chat some more, Boone, but right now I have to go laugh hysterically for several hours at the very idea of you beating me up. And let me know about the Mars thing, will you?

LOCKE: Hey, Butch! It's hatch time!

SAYID: Hatch time?

LOCKE: I mean boar-hunting. Of course.

In the JUNGLE, LOCKE and BOONE are WALKING towards the HATCH.

LOCKE: You shouldn't antagonize Sayid. He's not like you. He's a real man.

BOONE: I'm a real man!

LOCKE: Let's see. Sayid's a soldier. _You_ run a wedding company.

BOONE: Shut up!

They arrive at the HATCH.

LOCKE: Not quite as pretty as the monster, but not bad.

-LOST-

Scene opens on JACK and HURLEY in the JUNGLE.

HURLEY: Time for me to set up the B storyline!

JACK: Hey, Hurley. What's up?

HURLEY: I have diarrhea.

JACK: Oh. How…disturbing.

WRITER #1: A fat man with diarrhea! Har har har! We are _sooo_ witty!

WRITER #2: Does Hurley ever overcome his case of diarrhea? Find out in episode eighteen, season twelve!

WRITER #3: That's the episode with the zombies!

JACK: You should eat some fish.

HURLEY: Well, yeah, but see, that Chinese guy is ABSOLUTELY THE ONLY PERSON who can fish! And he hates me!

JACK: Wait a second. Out of all 40-something survivors, _only_ the Chinese guy can fish?

HURLEY: Yeah! I mean, maybe some redshirts can, but it's not like I could ask one of _them_.

JACK: Yes, I see your dilemma. Well, good luck!

HURLEY: You're not gonna help me?

JACK: Nah, I think I'm in the mood to go stalk Kate.

HURLEY: Okay, well, I'll just collect some large leaves that I can go use as toilet paper!

WRITERS: Observe our skill! We can use potty humor even when no potties are within a thousand-mile radius!

Elsewhere in the JUNGLE, KATE is SKIPPING about merrily.

KATE: I'm just out for a stroll in the nice little jungle, collecting berries and wildflowers! La la la!

JACK WATCHES her from some BUSHES.

JACK: Charlie was right, stalking _can_ be quite satisfying.

KATE: If you're trying to stalk someone, here's a tip: Don't talk to yourself.

JACK: Why hello, Kate! Didn't see you there!

KATE: Sure.

JACK: I thought I'd see if you wanted to have a Moment. Need your hair combed or anything?

KATE: No! I'm still mad at you.

JACK: What? Why?

KATE: Well, you insisted that you open the marshal's case with me, and when I tried to hide the key so I could open it by myself like I wanted, you _stole_ the key, and then when I started crying because of the emotional volatility of the case's contents, you just walked away and didn't try to comfort me or _anything_!

JACK: Sorry, I lost track of what you were saying when you mentioned the marshal. I really don't have time to listen to these long speeches, Kate, I'm a very busy person you know, what with bossing everyone around and all.

KATE: Grr. I've gotta get this guy away from me. Hey, Jack, come over here! I have something really important to show you!

JACK: Cool! I knew you liked me! In celebration I will make a lame joke!

KATE: _Sawyer's_ jokes are actually funny.

JACK: What's that about Sawyer?

KATE: Nothing. Look, here's a garden!

They have arrived at a GARDEN, where SUN is PLANTING stuff.

SUN: Yay me!

JACK: Good job, Sun! You're doing really well with this garden I told you to make!

KATE: This was _your_ idea?

JACK: Of course.

SUN: It was _my_ idea!

JACK: I'm just full of good ideas like this.

SUN: If it weren't so important to keep my English skills a secret, I swear I would go join Charlie's Jack-hate club.

Somewhere in the JUNGLE, LOCKE and BOONE are at the HATCH.

BOONE: Remember me? This episode is about me!

LOCKE: Um, Butch, nobody cares about you.

BOONE: My mommy does!

LOCKE: I doubt it.

BOONE: You're mean! I don't wanna open the hatch with you anymore!

LOCKE: Real men don't whine, Butch.

BOONE: But Jack whines all the time!

LOCKE: Oh, you poor sad little boy. If you think Jack's a real man you are even more pathetic than I thought. Anyway, now I shall tell you a vague and possibly significant story in which I pronounce Michelangelo in a funny way.

BOONE: Oh joy.

LOCKE: So anywho, this guy Michelangelo, I think he was an inventor or something, he used to think about his inventions a lot, and then he would build them.

BOONE: Yeah…?

LOCKE: So that was important.

BOONE: Whatever.

LOCKE: And in conclusion, we're gonna figure out how to open this dang hatch!

Boone has a FLASHBACK. He is in SYDNEY, KNOCKING on a DOOR. A random MAN OPENS the door. His name is BRIAN.

BRIAN: I have no idea who you are but I can already tell you are a huge loser.

BOONE: Am not! I'm Shannon's brother, Boone.

BRIAN: Oh, she told me about you.

BOONE: Really?

BRIAN: Yeah. She said you were a huge _loser_.

SHANNON arrives.

SHANNON: Boone! What are you doing here!

BOONE: You asked me to come!

SHANNON: Did not!

BOONE: Did _so_! You called me and said you were being abused!

SHANNON: I have no recollection of that conversation.

BOONE: You suck. I'm leaving.

Back on the ISLAND, HURLEY approaches JIN at the OCEAN.

JIN: Hello, fat sweaty comic relief man with digestive issues.

HURLEY: Me. Want. Fish.

JIN: ...?

HURLEY: Fish. FISH. FISH!

JIN: ...?

HURLEY: Okay, you don't speak English…how about Spanish? Habla español?

JIN: ...?

HURLEY: Darn language barrier. He doesn't understand no matter how well I enunciate!

JIN: No fish for you.

Somewhere in the JUNGLE, LOCKE and BOONE are WALKING.

BOONE: So, John, we should, you know…tell people about the hatch.

LOCKE: No.

BOONE: Okay.

LOCKE: Wimp.

BOONE: Fine! I'm going to tell Shannon then!

LOCKE: Um, why?

BOONE: Because I'm in lov…erm…because she's…um, smart.

LOCKE: Oh, Butch, you need to come up with better lies.

BOONE: Shut up.

LOCKE: So, Butch, _why_ do you need to tell Shannon the truth so badly?

BOONE: Because she's my lov…umm…sister.

LOCKE: You know, Butch, I'm sensing that you have some sort of unhealthy fixation on Shannon.

BOONE: I do _not_! I only carry around _one_ picture of her! And it's a little one! And only a _tiny_ little piece of her hair. And only _one_ fingernail clipping from her little finger. And that's _it_!

LOCKE: What, no urine sample?

BOONE: No, I keep that in a special container in my suitcase.

LOCKE: You need help, Butch.

BOONE: It's perfectly normal!

LOCKE: And I know just how to help you!

BOONE: You do?

LOCKE: Oh, sure. I'll just knock you out and tie you up in the middle of the jungle!

He WHACKS Boone on the back of the HEAD, then begins to RUN away, GIGGLING.

LOCKE: Oh wait…I still need to tie him up. I'm just so used to running away giggling after I knock people out.

A little LATER, BOONE wakes up TIED in a very INTERESTING and PAINFUL way.

BOONE: So, how'd you learn to tie people up like this, John? They teach it at your box company?

LOCKE: None of your business.

BOONE: Oh, I get it…you're into S & M, right? You're one of those kinky old bald guys?

LOCKE: Shouldn't you be demanding that I untie you?

BOONE: Actually, I'd kind of like to learn how to make knots like these…

LOCKE: You're supposed to be _angry_!

BOONE: Oh, okay. Sorry. Untie me, you sonofabitch!

LOCKE: Wimp.

BOONE: I hope you die.

LOCKE: I'm doing this to _help_ you, Boone.

BOONE: How is _this_ helping me??

LOCKE: You'll see, once I put this goop on your head.

BOONE: What is it?

LOCKE: A cure for premature balding, much better than Rogaine.

BOONE: Um…

LOCKE: It was too late for me. I only hope to save you from the same fate.

BOONE: Oookay…so can you untie me now?

LOCKE: Nah…the anti-balding cream was the most important thing, obviously, but you still have some vision quest thing to do. See ya.

BOONE: What if I _die_ out here?

LOCKE: Well, that would just be an added bonus for the rest of us, wouldn't it? Now, let me casually throw this knife magically into the perfect place where it will be just out of reach of your straining fingers.

He LEAVES. Boone has a FLASHBACK. He is in SYDNEY, talking to a POLICE DUDE.

POLICE DUDE: No, Mr. Carlyle, we can't, as you suggest, "arrest that poophead Brian, because he is a meanie."

BOONE: Then I will pout!

SAWYER: Hellooooo!

POLICE DUDE: Now _that_ guy's a meanie.

WRITER #1: Wait a second, wait a second. Why is Sawyer showing up in Boone's flashback?

WRITER #2: Because it's COOL!

AUDIENCE: OMG! WTF! SAWYER!

WRITER #2: See?

WRITER #1: Well, okay…but we're not going to start going completely overboard with people appearing in other people's flashbacks for no good reason, right?

WRITER #2: Of course not! That's crazy talk!

CLAIRE, JACK, KATE, JIN, and MICHAEL all WANDER through the POLICE STATION.

BOONE: Focus back on me please! This is _my_ freakin' episode! Now you listen up, police dude! You must listen to me because I am very authoritative and manly! I run a _wedding company_! So there!

POLICE DUDE: Snark snark condescending snark snark LOSER.

BOONE: I'm not listening, because it's time for me to unveil a shocking revelation!

AUDIENCE: Ooooh.

BOONE: Here goes… SHANNON ISN'T MY SISTER! SHE'S MY _STEP_-SISTER!

AUDIENCE: …That's it?

BOONE: Okay, it's not up to the caliber of "Locke was paralyzed" or "Kate's a fugitive," but…

POLICE DUDE: Please, sir, leave here before I am forced to arrest you on charges of criminal loserhood.

LATER, BOONE meets BRIAN on a DOCK.

BOONE: I have a diabolical plan to make you leave Shannon!

BRIAN: Yeah, what's that?

BOONE: I give you money!

BRIAN: Yeah? So what if I take the money and stay with Shannon anyway?

BOONE: Well, you have to pinky swear!

BRIAN: Darn! Foiled again!

Back on the ISLAND, KATE and SUN are GARDENING.

KATE: I continue to lie about my past even though the person I am talking to does not understand English! This is very significant, yadda yadda.

AUDIENCE: Hmm…the fact that Kate is a compulsive liar is starting to get almost as repetitive as Michael and Walt's lack of a father-son relationship.

KATE: Gasp! Sun just smiled at the same time as I said something amusing! Thus, it logically follows that she speaks perfect English!

SUN: Darn. Pretty soon this is gonna become the worst-kept secret on the island.

At the BEACH, JIN and HURLEY are FISHING. Jin is SUCCESSFUL. Hurley is NOT.

JIN: I have caught a plentiful amount of marine life, fat man. Would you care to partake of my bounty?

HURLEY: Yeah, yeah. SCREW…YOU.

JIN: Why does everyone always assume I'm saying something mean?

SEA URCHIN: MUAHAHA! URCHIN ATTACK!

HURLEY: Oh, GREAT! First I can't catch any damn fish, now the ocean is attacking me!

JIN: Never fear, fat man! I shall come to your aid!

In the FUNNIEST MOMENT EVER IN THE HISTORY OF LOST, possibly even the FUNNIEST MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF TV, Hurley CRUSHES and NEARLY DROWNS Jin.

JIN: Behold, the new comedy duo!

HURLEY: Come see our new show! It's called "Lost on an Island: Hurley drowns Jin repeatedly for your amusement!"

CHARLIE in a brief CAMEO: What? No! _I'm _supposed to be the funny fisherman!

Hurley COLLAPSES onto the SAND.

HURLEY: Jin, man, you gotta help me! I need you to take your ding-dong and wee-wee on my footsie!

JIN: No, fat man, I will not use my male member to urinate on your appendage.

ELSEWHERE on the ISLAND, we are treated to a CLOSE-UP of SAYID'S UNNATURALLY LONG FINGERNAILS.

SAYID: Amazingly enough, living on an island with no hygienic amenities does _not_ cause my nails to break, or even get dirty! That's because they're the nails of a superhot genius Iraqi hero! Boo-yah!

With the help of his ABNORMAL FINGERNAILS, Sayid is making a COMPASS. LOCKE approaches.

LOCKE: Did you just say "boo-yah"?

SAYID: …No.

LOCKE: Boone's out hunting, by the way.

SAYID: By…himself?

LOCKE: Yep.

Sayid and Locke share a fit of HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER.

SAYID: Well, maybe we'll luck out and he'll get himself gored, eh? Then I'll be able to seduce Shannon with no distractions!

LOCKE: Yeah, whatever. Now let me tell a vague and boring story about my unpopular childhood.

SAYID: You're getting weird now. Please go away and leave me and my freakish fingernails in peace.

-TO BE CONTINUED...

* * *

AN: It has been far, far too long. For this I apologize. I also apologize for posting only a half episode. I only got this far in a fit of inspiration tonight, since I had finished with my work for the day. Well, I do have a paper due on Friday that I could've worked on a bit more, but I didn't feel like it. Of course, it's a paper for my CHILDREN'S FANTASY class, so it's not like it's that much of a hardship or anything. About a month ago I got to write a paper on His Dark Materials, and now I'm writing about The Dark is Rising. Ah, bliss. The only thing that could possibly be better would be a class on Lost. 

Speaking of Lost... AHHH! HOW AWESOME IS THE NEW SEASON! Yes, it is very awesome. Naked/prophet/Jesus/allegory Desmond is uber-awesome. Sayid is being less of a genius than usual, but I still loves him, I do. And Sawyer! Sawyer is so in love with Kate it's almost unbearably sweet. Jack has kept up his streak of crying in all of his flashback episodes. I also heart Ben for being so very deliciously evil. Sun has become VERY interesting, but then I always knew she was interesting since she's been my favorite female character since House of the Rising Sun. The mystical shaman Locke seems to have returned. Even Boone made a brief appearance, and looking mighty hot I may add (and if I, the Hater of Boone, say this, then you know it's true). Who knew death could improve one's hotness? I do have one wish, however, and that is for Paolo to go on a dynamite excursion, wave around some boom-boom sticks, and explode with his freakin' perfect hair into a MILLION ITTY BITTY PIECES. It would be a very Arztistic way for him to go. DIE, Paolo, DIE.

ANYWAY, I would like to tell you to expect Part 2 in a couple weeks, but unfortunately I can't make any promises. Basically if I'm not in class, doing homework, or eating, I'm hanging out with friends or hanging out on the Internet. Or sleeping. Seriously, I don't even have time to read anymore. I used to read about two books every week, but in the two months I've been at college I've only read, like, three books (besides the ones for class). It's kind of depressing.

I have rambled on for far too long. Please review and be nice to me.


	14. Episode 13: Hearts and Minds, pt 2

Episode Thirteen:

Hearts and Minds, _or_ In which Shannon and Boone are (almost) incestuous

**Part 2**

Somewhere in the JUNGLE, BOONE is still TIED UP.

BOONE: Life sucks. I hate Locke.

SHANNON: Boooone! Boooone, I loooove you!

BOONE: What? What? Shannon, is that you??

MONSTER: RAR!

SHANNON: Boone, you big strong man, you must come rescue me!

The fact that Shannon is COMING ON TO HIM should instantly alert Boone that he is HALLUCINATING; however, he is just DELUSIONAL enough to be convinced of his own MANLY STUDLINESS.

BOONE: Don't worry! I'll save you! Oh boy, I finally get a chance to be a hero like Jack!

Very HEROICALLY, Boone REACHES and STRAINS and GRUNTS in a very MANLY way until he can GRAB the KNIFE. Even more heroically, he also manages to do this with his RIGHT HAND, while in SOME SHOTS his right hand is also TIED behind his BACK.

DIRECTOR: Uhmm…nothin' to see here, folks…

Finally getting hold of the KNIFE, Boone uses it to CUT the ROPES and in the process accidentally SLICES OPEN his JUGULAR— Oh. Never mind, that's just WISHFUL THINKING.

MONSTER: A slightly closer RAR!

BOONE: Shannon! I'm a-comin' for ya!

He finds SHANNON, who is TIED LOOSELY to a TREE.

BOONE: Hang on…I had to practically rip my hand off to get free, and she could've just wiggled out from under her ropes?? Something fishy is going on here!

SHANNON: I couldn't have done that! I might have messed up my hair or broken a nail!

BOONE: Oh. Well, that's in character.

MONSTER: A very close RAR!

BOONE: RUN!

They RUN.

BOONE: Wait, wait, I have a good idea! Let's hide in this same stand of trees that Kate hid in during the Pilot episode!

DIRECTOR: Shut up you. No, we are _not_ reusing the same sets.

SHANNON: I thought the pilot was dead.

MONSTER: I shall LOOM OMINOUSLY! RAR! FEAR ME!

BOONE: Oh Shannon…let me enfold you in my manly protective embrace.

SHANNON: Oh Boone…my manly protector!

BOONE: Wow, this is great! Except for the whole imminent-death-by-mysterious-monster part!

The MONSTER STALKS AWAY, leaving nothing but a LARGE FOOTPRINT in the jungle EARTH.

MONSTER: I don't have time for this, I have other people to terrorize! Like Rudolph.

BOONE: Whew.

SHANNON: Whew.

BOONE: In our immense relief at being alive…wanna have raunchy jungle sex?

SHANNON: No way. That would totally give away the whole this-is-really-a-hallucination twist.

BOONE: Damn.

ELSEWHERE in the JUNGLE, SAYID is doing something MECHANICAL.

SAYID: I'm SMART!

MICHAEL in a brief CAMEO: I have no relationship with my son!

JACK approaches.

SAYID: Jack, the very man I wanted to see! Which way is north?

JACK: What? Why?

SAYID: Do you _want_ me to shove bamboo shoots under your fingernails?

JACK: Umm…it's that way.

SAYID: Good job! You get a cookie and a gold star! Now see here, this compass shows a _different north_!

JACK: Am I supposed to care about this?

SAYID: What are you doing just wandering around in the jungle anyway?

JACK: Well, the episode was over halfway over and I'd only had one scene. That was clearly unacceptable.

SAYID: I see.

Back in the random STAND of TREES, BOONE and SHANNON dare to EMERGE into the JUNGLE again.

SHANNON: I hate Locke.

BOONE: Me too.

He has a FLASHBACK. He is still in AUSTRALIA, returning to BRIAN'S HOUSE.

BOONE: Hey Shannon, did Brian break up with you? Too bad. Let's go!

SHANNON: You are the biggest idiot ever.

BRIAN comes home.

BRIAN: Hello again, loser!

BOONE: What are you doing here?? You pinky swore!

BRIAN: Oh, did I? I forgot.

BOONE: Oh, I see what's going on here… Brian, you weren't going to break up with Shannon, you were just going to be a huge scumbag and keep the money anyway and not tell her anything about it!

SHANNON: Um…exactly.

BRIAN: Just when I thought he couldn't get any stupider. Let me spell this out for you very carefully: Your sister…set you up. She is…a ho bag.

BOONE: How dare you call her that! I'm going to beat you up!

BRIAN collapses in a fit of HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER.

BOONE: —Wait. She did _what_?

SHANNON: It's not my fault! I have a tragic backstory!

KATE, JACK, SAWYER, LOCKE, MICHAEL, SUN, JIN, SAYID, CHARLIE, and HURLEY all in brief CAMEOS: Join the club.

BRIAN: Aw, I'll just punch ya for the hell of it!

He PUNCHES Boone, who FALLS OVER.

BOONE: Whimper, whimper.

BRIAN: No, I can't beat you up…there's just no challenge.

Back on the ISLAND, LOCKE is SITTING on the BEACH. JACK approaches.

LOCKE: What are you doing here?

JACK: I demanded another scene. And an extra Christmas bonus.

LOCKE: Okay…so what are we supposed to talk about?

JACK: Well, first I ask about Boone, and then you make a lame joke, and then we talk about boars.

LOCKE: Sounds unnecessary.

JACK: Oh, it is. I think JJ wanted to do something with a giant 4-toed statue, but I was like, No way, Jack needs screen time.

LOCKE: I need to close this scene with a mysterious and possibly profound line… Man is the greatest predator of all. Remember that.

JACK: Whatever.

Somewhere in the JUNGLE, KATE and SUN are WALKING.

KATE: So, _you_ speak _English_!

SUN: What?

KATE: I said, SO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH!

SUN: Yes, but keep it quiet, please.

KATE: DON'T WORRY, I won't tell anyone YOU CAN SPEAK ENGLISH!

SUN: Please stop yelling.

KATE: Okay. And don't worry, I'll try to use only one syllable words, too.

SUN: Um, thanks.

KATE: Sooo, why doesn't Jin know YOU CAN SPEAK ENGLISH?

CHARLIE comes WANDERING by.

CHARLIE: Who can speak English?

SUN: Dammit!

KATE: Umm…no one. Me.

CHARLIE: Well…congratulations.

SUN: Whew, that was close. Now I will take a leaf out of Locke's book and end the scene with a deep and meaningful line… Have you never lied to a man you've loved?

KATE: Wooh, yeah, been there! One time there was this guy, and he asked me if I was a fugitive, so of course I told him no, no way!

SUN: You mean you're a fugitive?

KATE: …Crap.

SUN: Don't worry, Kate, I won't tell anyone YOU'RE A FUGITIVE!

KATE: Oh, shut up.

On the BEACH, JIN gives HURLEY a MYSTERIOUS CONCOCTION.

JIN: You see, fat man, this will counteract the poison of the urchin that is flowing in your veins.

HURLEY: Yeah, I get it, you hate me because I wouldn't take your gross slimy food before! Well, FINE! I'll EAT it!

JIN: Yelling is unnecessary.

HURLEY: Me. Want. Fish.

JIN: Just eat the damn thing!

Hurley EATS the CONCOCTION.

HURLEY: Not bad. Kind of tastes like eggnog.

JIN: My work here is done!

HURLEY: And now just when you least expect it, with perfect comedic timing, I will throw up!

WRITERS: We are sooo good with the bodily fluid jokes this episode!

JIN: The fat man has regurgitated my miraculous curing concoction! Alas, now he shall die.

ELSEWHERE on the BEACH, JACK gives PILLS to CHARLIE.

BOONE in a brief CAMEO: What the hell! This is _my_ episode, and I haven't even been onscreen since the last commercial!

WRITER #2: Sorry, man…you're just not interesting enough to carry forty minutes of screentime. That's why we had to come up with so many secondary storylines to supplement yours.

BOONE: Dammit! I quit! Just kill me off already! But give me a real heroic death scene, okay?

WRITER #2: That can be arranged. And I'll see what I can do about the heroic part.

CHARLIE: Let's carry these sticks from here to there.

JACK: Um…why?

CHARLIE: So it looks like we actually do stuff besides wandering around the jungle for no apparent reason.

JACK: But I love wandering around the jungle! That's my whole freakin' storyline!

CHARLIE: Um, yeah, I know.

JACK: We need to actually do something in this scene.

CHARLIE: Too late.

JACK: Let's have a conversation about Locke. Who is sitting over there with unnaturally straight posture.

CHARLIE: That sounds…unnecessary.

JACK: Why is everyone obsessed about having meaningful scenes today? If I'm on the screen, it's important!

CHARLIE: Just to piss you off, I will end the scene with a deep and profound remark!

JACK: Yeah, everyone's been really into that lately.

CHARLIE: Maybe because most of the scenes today have been unnecessary, and the writers hope we won't notice if they end them with something profound?

WRITER #1: What is with all the criticism today!

WRITER #2: I think it started when we tried to make an episode that was all about Boone.

CHARLIE: Anyway…Locke saved my life, yadda yadda, and he's gonna get us off the island, et cetera et cetera. Can I go now, before I get roped into another pointless conversation?

ELSEWHERE on the BEACH, MICHAEL is holding a MYSTERIOUS BOX.

AUDIENCE: Great…that must mean the box will soon be explained in a flashback. Which will likely feature Michael and Walt's tragic lack of a father-son relationship.

BOONE in a brief CAMEO: WHERE AM I???

WRITER #1: Shh, have a cookie.

MICHAEL: Oh, look, my son is playing with the dog, how precious. My goodness…am I feeling fatherly?? Wow, this is a major breakthrough.

AUDIENCE: Um…I bet it's not. Just a hunch.

HURLEY approaches with a PAPAYA.

HURLEY: So, you've got a toothbrush! That's great. 'Cause you know, teeth-brushing should be your main priority here on this mysterious, dangerous island where we barely eat anything anyway.

MICHAEL: Oh, I never let Walt brush his teeth.

HURLEY: Huh?

MICHAEL: He uses a secret child-molesting toothpaste plant, and I'm not having that!

HURLEY: Whatever.

JIN approaches with a DEAD FISH.

JIN: Here you are, fat man.

HURLEY: Wow! A dead wet slimy fish! I love you!

SAYID in a brief CAMEO: My shoes were _so_ a better gift.

JIN: Now you will no longer be plagued with digestive issues, humorous as they may be to the writers.

HURLEY: Well, actually, I don't think just one fish one time will really—

JIN: Only one fish for you!

Meanwhile, KATE is at the STREAM. JACK approaches.

BOONE in a brief CAMEO: Why is someone who is NOT ME on the screen??? Do you realize it has been ten minutes since my last scene? These episodes are not that long, people!

JACK: Yes, I am well on my way to getting, in the last twenty minutes of the episode, more screentime than Boone, the so-called star.

KATE: Oh, it's _you_.

JACK: Hold out your hand!

KATE: Oh, I get it…this is a peace offering, right?

JACK: Well, actually it's a ploy to get another scene, but peace offering works too.

KATE: Do you _listen_ to yourself when you speak?

JACK: No, other people do that.

Somewhere in the JUNGLE, BOONE and SHANNON are WANDERING.

BOONE: _Finally_!

SHANNON: Are we lost?

BOONE: My first scene in freakin' ten minutes and I'm freakin' lost. Great.

SHANNON: I hate Locke.

BOONE: Hey, Locke's my friend!

SHANNON: Um, five minutes ago you hated him.

BOONE: Well, if you think about it, he was really perfectly justified in knocking us out and leaving us to be terrorized by the monster—

SHANNON: You are such a wuss. I can't believe I ever slept with you.

AUDIENCE: …?

WRITERS: Dammit, you gave away the twist!

SHANNON: Like anybody even cared anymore.

WRITERS: Good point.

BOONE: Hatch! There's a hatch!

SHANNON: Yeah, don't care.

MONSTER: I'm ba-aack!

SHANNON: And _I'm_ running away!

BOONE: You know, I have this theory that the monster is actually the Abominable Snowmon— Hey, wait up!

They proceed to RUN AWAY.

MONSTER: Ho-hum, must I chase these boring people again? Maybe mauling one of them to death will add a little spice! I pick the blond one!

SHANNON: Reeebleeeeuuaaauuurgh!

BOONE: Your "mauling" voice needs a little work. Wait. SHANNON!!

He has a FLASHBACK. He is in a HOTEL ROOM in SYDNEY. SHANNON arrives.

BOONE: Brian left? What a surprise. Didn't see that coming. From a mile away. No, make that two miles. Or three.

SHANNON: Whatever, I'm over it. And I'll be your stepsister seducer this evening!

BOONE: What? No. No, I will not—well, all right. I'll sleep with you.

SHANNON: What?

BOONE: You've convinced me.

SHANNON: No, but I'm supposed to go into this riff about how I know you've always been in love with me and—

BOONE: Why are we not making out already?

They have SEXUAL INTERCOURSE. Later…

SHANNON: Let's not tell anyone, okay?

BOONE: Why not? You're not _embarrassed _or something, are you?

SHANNON: No, of course not. Why would I be embarrassed about sleeping with a guy who's been my brother for twelve years, and who has freaky eyebrows and runs a subsidiary of a wedding company owned by his mom?

BOONE: Exactly.

SHANNON: Oh, God, I already regret it.

Back on the ISLAND, BOONE finds SHANNON'S MANGLED CORPSE lying in a STREAM.

BOONE: Boo-hoo! Oh boo-hoo-hoo!

SHANNON: Oh, quit the Jack imitation. You'll find a way to carry on.

BOONE: No, please, take me with you!

WRITER #2: I'm working on it. How do you feel about falling off a cliff?

BOONE: Too boring. Not heroic.

WRITER #2: What if you were in a little plane that fell off a cliff?

BOONE: Better. Let's do lunch.

SHANNON: Hey, I could use a _little_ mourning here!

LATER, BOONE somehow manages to make his way back to the CAVES, where LOCKE is SITTING by his FIRE.

WRITERS: We didn't want to show three hours of Boone blundering around in the jungle.

BOONE: You killed her! I'll kill you!

LOCKE: Actually, it was all a hallucination! Look, there's Shannon right over there!

SHANNON: …so I was like, no way am I putting that thing in my mouth, and he…

BOONE: …Oh.

AUDIENCE: Well, I guess they had to use the "surprise, it was all a dream/hallucination!" angle _once_. I mean, this isn't "Scrubs" or something. Now it's out of their system and will never be seen again!

WRITERS: Right. Of course it won't.

LOCKE: You're welcome.

BOONE: For _what_?

LOCKE: Well, now that you've come to terms with your unhealthy obsession, you'll be able to move on and— Oh, forget it, let's get to the hatch.

BOONE: Just stick to the vague stories from now on, okay?

AUDIENCE: Thank God this episode is over.

LOST

AN: Another update, finally! I admit that I rushed through this episode in the last couple days, resorting to frequent writer-participation and mindless Jack- and Boone-bashing…and I actually don't dislike this episode all _that_ much. I just wanted to finish so I could move on to my next episode.

Actually, I thought I might try something different and jump ahead a little. Like to Season 3. Like to episode 6 of Season 3. Because Nathan Fillion is in that episode, and all the Firefly jokes I could use have been running through my head since the episode aired, practically. Also, it would give me an excuse to closely scrutinize Nathan Fillion's scenes without feeling like a stalker. Not to mention re-watch my Firefly DVDs searching for ever more obscure references. (You might want to brush up on your Firefly—if you've never seen it you may be somewhat lost.)

So, do you guys think I should take a break from S1 and do this episode? I'd post it as another story, 'cause that would attract more new readers. (By the way, it doesn't really matter what you think, since I already downloaded the episode and it took like 10 hours because I stupidly didn't think to do it while I was still at school, so I got stuck with the crappy dial-up at home—I'm not letting that 10-hour download go to waste.)

Look for it hopefully possibly as soon as this weekend, the 6th or 7th. And then I'll do Special, and maybe Homecoming, before going back to school. Happy New Year!


	15. Episode 14: Special, pt 1

Episode 14:  
Special, _or_ In which yeah, Michael and Walt STILL don't have a father-son relationship, gee whiz what a surprise

* * *

Scene opens on a CLOSE-UP of MICHAEL'S EYES.

MICHAEL: WAAAAAAAAAAAALT!

AUDIENCE: That's annoying.

MICHAEL: Just think of it as a little preview for season two.

CHARLIE approaches.

CHARLIE: Claire's still kidnapped, you know. And even if everyone else has forgotten about her, _I haven't_!

MICHAEL: WAAAAAAAAAAAALT!

CHARLIE: So do you know where Claire's bags are? I feel the urge to look through them, sketchily.

MICHAEL: WAAAAAAAAAAAALT!

CHARLIE: CLAAAAAAAAAIRE!

MICHAEL: WAAAAAAAAAAALT!

CHARLIE: CLAAAAAAAAIRE!

MICHAEL: Well, that was a productive conversation.

CHARLIE: Yes. Now let us continue being self-absorbed and never speak to each other again.

MICHAEL: I wouldn't have it any other way.

JACK approaches with FIREWOOD.

MICHAEL: WAAAAAAAAAAALT!

JACK: I assume that was your way of saying, Why hello Jack, you wouldn't have happened to see my son while you were being manly and chopping firewood, would you?

MICHAEL: Not everyone is in love with you, Jack.

JACK: Nonsense! And no, I haven't see Walt.

MICHAEL: Dammit! I mean, I told him to stay within ten feet of the caves at all times! Yesterday, you know where I found him? _Thirteen_ feet from the caves! Not just eleven, not even twelve, but _thirteen_!

JACK: Gosh, Michael. How awful!

MICHAEL: Today I fully expect to find him _fifteen _feet away! He's out of control!

JACK: You should give him a break. I remember when I was Walt's age, I was constantly rebelling like that. Like this one time, my father told me to finish my homework before I watched "The Waltons," but I actually finished my last three math problems during commercials! I was _really _outta control!

MICHAEL: Yeah, well, you're clearly a bad influence, so you stay away from my kid! WAAAAAAALT! If I find you more than ten feet away from the caves, you don't get any papaya for desert!

Michael WANDERS off into the JUNGLE. HURLEY talks to JACK.

HURLEY: Worst. Father. Ever.

JACK: Pretty much.

HURLEY: Let's go play golf.

JACK: Cool. I sure don't want to, like, help him look for his kid or anything.

HURLEY: Nah, we're all way too self-centered for that. The golf tourney waits for no man!

MICHAEL: WAAAAAAAAALT! Whew, all this screaming is making me dizzy, hope I don't faint.

AUDIENCE: Please do.

Michael has a FLASHBACK. He is in a STORE and has found THE MOST MASSIVE CRIB EVER.

MICHAEL: However, the crib is still overshadowed by my massively cool hat! It's not quite a cap and not quite a winter knit, it's the best of both worlds!

SUSAN: When I met you three years ago, I saw that hat across a crowded room and I just knew…this was the man for me.

MICHAEL: Let's buy the crib!

SUSAN: No.

MICHAEL: Well, okay. I listen to everything you say because I'm a freeloading artist bum and you're a high-powered lawyer.

SUSAN: I definitely wear the pants in this relationship! That must be why you're wearing earrings and I'm not.

MICHAEL: Hey, let's name our baby Walt!

SUSAN: Hm. You have thirty seconds to convince me.

MICHAEL: Well, Your Honor, Walt was my father's name—

SUSAN: Your father?

MICHAEL: Yeah, but don't get excited, he will never be mentioned again because my character is soon to become completely one-dimensional and reduced to only one word.

SUSAN: What word?

MICHAEL: WAAAAAAAAAALT!

SUSAN: Huh. Guess we'd better name him Walt then, or it might be a little awkward.

MICHAEL: Yay!

SUSAN: But I won't marry you.

MICHAEL: Why not?

SUSAN: Well, so I won't have to divorce you later and lose my money, you freeloading artist bum.

MICHAEL: Makes sense.

Back on the ISLAND, LOCKE is giving WALT a KNIFE.

LOCKE: Now, Walt, I don't want you to drop the knife into your foot this time, okay? Sixteenth time's the charm!

WALT: Golly gee, thanks Mr. Locke! Ouch!

LOCKE: Oh boy.

BOONE: I'm only here because I have no identity without Locke.

AUDIENCE: Who is that guy with the eyebrows again?

BOONE: Oh, come ON! I just had a flashback episode!

AUDIENCE: Nope, sorry, don't remember. Did you get beat up in it or something?

BOONE: I hope I die soon.

WRITERS: We're still working on it.

LOCKE: Okay, now Walt, I'm going to tell you a little secret about how to throw that knife. Now, before you throw, I want you to just _picture_ the throw. If you picture it, it'll happen! Just like if you picture yourself winning a race, you'll win!

WALT: But what if everyone else pictures winning the race too?

LOCKE: Shut up. Now throw!

Walt makes a PERFECT THROW.

BOONE: Crap. The ten-year-old kid is now officially cooler than me.

WALT: Oh boy! I wanna go find someone to race so I can picture winning!

LOCKE: I knew you had it in you! Now, how would you feel about becoming my new sidekick?

BOONE: Hey!

LOCKE: Chico and Butch have both failed me. But you, _your_ name I can actually remember!

MICHAEL appears.

MICHAEL: Not so fast, you ugly old bald man! I see you've lured Walt more than ten feet away from the caves!

WALT: He gave me a knife too! Isn't it pretty?

MICHAEL: I've just spent two hours looking all over for you! Now I want you to go off into the dangerous jungle again, alone and weaponless, so I can have a little talk with Mr. Locke here.

Walt LEAVES with VINCENT.

LOCKE: Worst. Father. Ever.

MICHAEL: In case I haven't communicated this enough in recent episodes, I hate you and I think you're a child molester.

LOCKE: Michael, I'm not a child molester. Walt knows his own mind, he's a very _special_ boy—

MICHAEL: You're not doing much to convince me you're not a child molester here.

LOCKE: Walt's great at throwing knives! Now he can defend himself in case a polar bear ever tries to eat him!

MICHAEL: If we were back home I'd bust a cap in yo' ass!

He WAVES the KNIFE around.

BOONE: And that's my cue to attempt something manly and heroic but fail miserably!

He TACKLES Michael. Michael PUNCHES him.

BOONE: That's it. I give up on life.

MICHAEL: If I see you within five feet of my kid again, I will take very drastic action! I mean it, I'm getting out the tape measure!

LOCKE: Ooh, yeah, I'm real scared.

-LOST-

Scene opens on BABY WALT.

AUDIENCE: Awwwww!

SUSAN: So, I got this job offer, far far away from here.

MICHAEL: That's nice.

SUSAN: It's a really, really great opportunity.

MICHAEL: Great.

SUSAN: So I'm leaving you and taking Walt with me. You freeloading artist bum.

MICHAEL: NOOOOO! WAAAAAAALT!

SUSAN: Shut up!

MICHAEL: I just…don't understand. Don't you _love_ me?

SUSAN: Not really, no. It's pretty annoying when you wake up in the middle of the night screaming Walt's name. Annoying, and a little creepy.

MICHAEL: They're flash-forwards, I can't help it. WAAAAAAAALT!

SUSAN: Honestly Michael, I'm a little worried about Walt going prematurely deaf, what with you screaming into his eardrums all the time.

MICHAEL: You just don't understand a father's love!

SUSAN: Maybe not, but I understand the court system, and I know I'll get custody of Walt. So you might as well just concede now.

MICHAEL: All this legal jargon is making my brain hurt!

AUDIENCE: This is boring, show baby Walt again!

SUSAN: So it's settled! Walt is mine, I'm leaving and you'll never see him again! 'Cause I would rather live on a boat than live with you!

MICHAEL: Yeah? Well, _I_ would rather live on a _polar-bear-infested island_ than live with you!

BABY WALT: Goo goo ga ga.

AUDIENCE: Awwww!

BABY WALT: Yes, yes I _am_ the cutest baby ever, thank you. I've even got an agent, and I'm getting a cameo on Elmo's World. He's gonna ask me how I wiggle my ears and my response will be a work of existential genius.

Back on the ISLAND, the OLD NON-ADORABLE WALT is SLEEPING, while MICHAEL sits nearby WATCHING.

MICHAEL: I'm _allowed_ to watch him sleep, I'm his _father_!

SUN approaches.

SUN: In case you were wondering, yes, I _can_ still speak English. Only you know about it. And Kate. And Hurley. And Charlie was singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" the other day and I just had to join in, so he knows too. And Sayid. And that guy with the spider in the jar. And—

MICHAEL: Uh-huh, that's enough about you. This is _my_ episode, it's _my_ turn for a monologue.

Michael proceeds to give a very MOVING SPEECH about how he WISHES he could COMMUNICATE with WALT. However, due to the unique ELECTROMAGNETIC FLUCTUATIONS and SOUND WAVE DISTORTION properties of the island, all that comes out is—

MICHAEL: WAAAAAAALT! WAAAAAAALT! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!

The next MORNING, SAYID is doing something SMART with MAPS in a CONFERENCE with JACK and SHANNON.

SAYID: So me and Shannon figured some stuff out, and we wanted to show _you_, Jack, because you're our fearless leader.

JACK: Well, I'm flattered, but you really don't have to run everything by me, guys.

SAYID: Really? Because yesterday, when Boone tried to dig a new latrine, you yelled at him for half an hour because he didn't go through the proper channels. You said he needed to fill out Form B and take it to Charlie, who would give him Form B7 which he could then fill out and get notarized by Rose, and then he had to bring Form B7—

JACK: You know, if you monopolize more than five minutes of my extremely important time, you have to fill out Form BS and then apply for a special license—

SAYID: Okay! Look at this. I figured out that when I put this map down and rotate it exactly 92 degrees, and then I take _this_ map, fold it into ninths and place it on top of the first map in exactly _this_ position, and then take this third map and fold it into a cootie catcher, it means that these maps _clearly_ point to a location on the island. Also, that I'm going to be rich and meet Ashton Kutcher.

MICHAEL approaches.

MICHAEL: That's stupid. You're never going to meet Ashton Kutcher by sitting around here and fiddling with maps. You're gonna need a raft!

SAYID: Pfft.

JACK: Pfft.

SHANNON: Pfft.

MICHAEL: Screw you, I'm building a raft.

JACK: Okay, but be sure to get the DD37 Construction Permit first and then submit your detailed plans to Jin before you begin work.

ELSEWHERE on the island, WALT is reading his SPANISH COMIC BOOK.

WALT: Oh look, a picture of a giant polar bear.

MICHAEL approaches.

MICHAEL: Hey Walt, put down that foreshadowing comic book of doom and help me build a raft so we can leave the island and meet Ashton Kutcher.

WALT: Sweet.

MICHAEL: You know I'm a pretty good artist, want me to teach you about art?

WALT: No, art is for wusses. I want Mr. Locke to teach me about knives.

MICHAEL: That's it! No more foreshadowing comic books of doom for you!

He has a FLASHBACK. He is on the side of a BUSY ROAD talking to SUSAN on a PAYPHONE.

MICHAEL: This looked like a good place for my monthly call to check up on Walt.

SUSAN: He's still alive. Good-bye now.

MICHAEL: OH MY GOD!! You have a man there, don't you??

INDISTINCT MALE VOICE: Garble garble sex garble.

MICHAEL: AAAIEEEEE!

SUSAN: Well, at least that's a nice change from WAAAAALT!

MICHAEL: I hate you!

SUSAN: I don't see why you're so surprised. You know I don't love you anymore.

MICHAEL: Fine! In that case, I'm coming for Walt! Your new man is probably a _child molester_ or something!

He SLAMS down the PHONE, and is apparently so ANGRY that he FORGETS to LOOK BOTH WAYS before CROSSING the STREET.

MICHAEL: WAAAAAAAAAAL—

PLOT DEVICE—er…CAR: Screech, BANG!

MICHAEL: Ow.

-TO BE CONTINUED...

* * *

AN: Yeah, I know this is only about 1/4 of the episode, but it's pretty long and all I have so far, so I decided to post it and let you know I haven't given up. Plus, I am rapidly approaching exam season and I need some ego-boosting in the form of reviews. So if you happen to flame, I will probably cry, and it will be your fault. Just a warning. I may update with another bit of the episode within the next couple weeks... I have several papers due and exams coming up, but working on my parody scripts is a good way to procrastinate while still feeling productive. Alternatively, you might not see an update until mid-May.

Oh yeah, and how great is the 2nd half of the season? Pretty freakin' GREAT, right? With the obvious exception of Stranger in a Strange Land, which was the most useless nothing of an episode ever, every episode has been awesome. I even liked Expose, it was so silly and campy and fun. Plus, any Lost episode with Lando Calrissian is an automatic winner. Enter 77 and One of Us are probably my faves tho.

Please review and be nice, so I feel good and do well on my exams. Because if you don't review and I fail college, yeah, it'll pretty much be your fault.


	16. Episode 14: Special, pt 2

Episode 14:  
Special, _or_ In which yeah, Michael and Walt STILL don't have a father-son relationship, gee whiz what a surprise 

**Part Two**

* * *

Michael has a FLASHBACK. He is sitting in a WHEELCHAIR in the middle of a HOSPITAL, drawing a PICTURE of himself in a WHEELCHAIR in a HOSPITAL drawing a PICTURE of himself in a WHEELCHAIR in a HOSPITAL.

MICHAEL: M.C. Escher was a big influence on me.

NURSE: Michael? Why are you sitting out here in the middle of this huge random hospital room?

MICHAEL: I don't know… Hey, why does this room have beds and chairs and file cabinets and doctors walking through it all the time like it's a hallway?

NURSE: We need to cut back on our expenditure, so we've decided to combine the patients' rooms with waiting rooms and office rooms. And we're getting rid of all the hallways to give us more space.

MICHAEL: Oh.

NURSE: Wait till you see the new surgery-bathrooms.

She begins to WALK AWAY.

MICHAEL: Hold on! You were supposed to compliment my drawing so everyone knows what a great artist I am! And you need to tell me a lame joke so that in a later scene I can bond with my son because we both think it's lame!

NURSE: Sorry, new hospital policy—we have to write down exactly what we do every minute we're on the job. If I write down "complimenting" and "telling a lame joke," that's two minutes I don't get paid for.

Suddenly, SUSAN enters!

SUSAN: WTF is this room?

LATER, Susan PUSHES MICHAEL through the HALLS of the hospital.

SUSAN: I'm sorry, why can't we just have a stationary talk, like normal people?

MICHAEL: This hospital won't have hallways for much longer. We should take advantage of them.

SUSAN: I'm getting married and leaving the country with Walt.

MICHAEL: Oh, that's all right. I've really mellowed since being hit with that plot dev—car.

SUSAN: And my fiancé wants to adopt Will—Walt.

MICHAEL: Hang on a second, I know what's going on here! You've changed his name, haven't you! You always hated the name WAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!

SUSAN: So you've mellowed, huh?

Back on the ISLAND, HURLEY approaches MICHAEL by the STREAM.

HURLEY: Sooo…you know how a few minutes ago, before you started staring off into space and screaming WAAAAAALT, you told him to stay at the caves? He just left.

MICHAEL: Dammit! I was too busy flashbacking to notice when my kid wandered off right under my nose!

HURLEY: You do know you're the worst father ever, right, dude?

Somewhere out in the JUNGLE, LOCKE and BOONE are DOING NOTHING.

BOONE: Shouldn't we be, like, digging a hole or something?

MICHAEL approaches, looking ANGRY.

MICHAEL: WAAAAAAAAAAAALT!

LOCKE: What's that, Michael?

MICHAEL: WAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!

LOCKE: Walt's not here, if that's what you're asking.

MICHAEL: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!

LOCKE: Okay! I'll go and find him if that'll make you stop screaming!

Elsewhere, CHARLIE and KATE sit down with CLAIRE'S BAGS.

CHARLIE: Thanks for pretending you wanted to help me just so you could go see Sawyer.

KATE: Noooo problem.

CHARLIE: Every day that Claire is gone, it's like—

KATE: Like pieces of you are crumbling away?

CHARLIE: Exactly! I just keep thinking about how she was my best chance of getting any on this island.

KATE: Oh.

CHARLIE: I figured, she was pregnant and probably wouldn't be into it, but once she had the baby and got her figure back…she'd want to show her gratitude to me.

KATE: That's sick.

CHARLIE: But it was more than that! As time went on I grew to see what a special, special person she was. I offered to brush her hair and cut her nails so I could take the clippings. I even took a vial of her blood one night. It's all in that duffel bag, there.

KATE: Ew.

CHARLIE: Maybe I could clone her…

KATE: I'm leaving now.

CHARLIE: Good. I need to engage in a brief moral struggle over whether I should read Claire's diary.

KATE: Don't.

CHARLIE: You're right…much more time-efficient to just skip the struggling.

Somewhere in an unspecified JUNGLE LOCATION, WALT is WALKING with VINCENT.

VINCENT: A rabbit!

He magically DEATTACHES himself from his LEASH and RUNS AWAY.

WALT: I'm going to have a flashback now.

In his FLASHBACK he is STARING at VINCENT, who is PANTING.

WALT: His tongue…it's so fascinating…can't…look…away…

They are in AUSTRALIA with SUSAN and her husband BRIAN.

SUSAN: Blah blah blah I'm a lawyer! blah blah legal jargon blah blah blah I'm smart!

WALT: I'm doing a science experiment on Vincent's tongue, and I need help! Would you say the saliva level is superfluous, excessive, or disproportionate?

SUSAN: Let me engage in foreshadowing. OH, I suddently don't feel well!

BRIAN: Gosh, Susan, I hope you don't have a blood disorder that is only now rearing its ugly head.

WRITER #1: Hey, wait a minute… Wasn't Shannon's boyfriend in the very last episode also named Brian? Can't we come up with any other names?

WRITER #2: …No.

WRITER #3: Brian is the _perfect _name, we don't need any others.

WRITER #1: I like Tom better.

WRITER #2: Fine, we'll use Tom from now on.

WALT: Hey! I need help examining Vincent's tongue over here!

BRIAN: I have an idea! Let's ignore Walt so he's forced to get angry and demonstrate his freaky superpowers!

WALT: I don't like you, Brian! That's why I call you Brian instead of Dad, even though you're my legal father and I've lived with you as long as I can remember!

BRIAN: Man, I wish it had worked that one time when I tried to lose Walt in the forest. But he followed a trail of vegemite crumbs all the way home.

Back on the ISLAND, WALT is YELLING for VINCENT.

POLAR BEAR: Helloooo tasty little boy!

Cut to FLASHBACK. MICHAEL opens the door of his APARTMENT to find BRIAN.

MICHAEL: It's YOU! Get out of here!

BRIAN: I have some bad n— Wait. How do you know who I am?

MICHAEL: I always answer the door like that.

BRIAN: Okay. Whatever. Susan's dead and you're taking Walt. Buh-bye now.

MICHAEL: What? I don't want WAAAAAAAAAALT!

BRIAN: Well, I'm going to Thailand so I can find myself. If you don't go get Walt I guess he'll just stay in Sydney with his nanny until she calls Child Protective Services.

MICHAEL: Wow. You are not very nice.

BRIAN: Walt has freaky superpowers! I think he might be the devil's spawn.

MICHAEL: Are you calling me the devil?

BRIAN: I'm just saying Susan might have cheated on you with the devil.

Back on the ISLAND, MICHAEL and LOCKE find Vincent's LEASH out in the JUNGLE.

MICHAEL: We really need to get a better leash.

LOCKE: Okay, I'll just need to skin a boar…tan the hide, make some leather…

MICHAEL: Hey. I'm letting you help me find Walt right now, but you start acting weird, you're outta here.

LOCKE: How generous of you.

WALT: POOOLLLLLAAAAAAR BEEEAAAAAAR!

MICHAEL: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!

LOCKE: Marco! Polo!

MICHAEL: Stop that.

He has a FLASHBACK. He is in AUSTRALIA, talking to Walt's SENSIBLE-SHOES-WEARING NANNY.

SENSIBLE-SHOES-WEARING NANNY: Brian wanted you to have some of Susan's effects.

MICHAEL: Thank— Her underwear?

SENSIBLE-SHOES-WEARING NANNY: Sorry, that must be the wrong— No, that's the right box. Huh.

MICHAEL: Yeah, there's underwear, and what looks like some hair and fingernail clippings… Is that a vial of _blood_?

SENSIBLE-SHOES-WEARING NANNY: Oh god I hope there's not a stool sample.

MICHAEL: I don't think— No, hang on…there it is, underneath the rag soaked in her sweat.

SENSIBLE-SHOES-WEARING NANNY: Okay, to make up for _that_ box I'm going to give you _this _one. It's full of all the letters you sent that Walt never saw, so he knows nothing about you and thinks you don't care about him at all!

MICHAEL: Great.

SENSIBLE-SHOES-WEARING NANNY: So I'll go get him now!

Back on the ISLAND, MICHAEL and LOCKE find WALT hiding in the SAME STAND OF TREES THAT KATE AND BOONE HAVE PREVIOUSLY HIDDEN IN while a TERRIBLY REALISTIC CGI BEAR attempts to MAUL him.

MICHAEL: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!

WALT: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!

MICHAEL: Sniff…I'm so proud.

Walt has a FLASHBACK. He is again STARING at VINCENT'S TONGUE.

WALT: Magic tongue…

VINCENT: Um, it's really not that special.

MICHAEL enters.

MICHAEL: I'm here to take you away from this huge expensive house and your pool and your private school so you can live in a crappy New York apartment with a man you don't know.

WALT: No thanks.

MICHAEL: Brian didn't want to be your daddy, so it has to be me. Even though I'm not sure this is legal since I renounced my rights as your father eight years ago and it's Brian who's your legal father. But he's a bastard. So I'll tell you what—let's steal his dog!

WALT: I'm sorry, I can't get onto planes with strangers.

MICHAEL: I'm not a stranger, I'm your father.

WALT: How do I know you're not just some random person from the street who wants me to _think_ he's my father so he can kidnap me? I'm going to need to see three forms of ID and a DNA test before I go anywhere with you.

On the ISLAND, MICHAEL and LOCKE begin a rescue attempt by CLIMBING some convenient BRANCHES that pass over Walt's hiding place.

Locke displays his SPIDERMAN INSTINCTS by GRABBING MICHAEL'S WRIST every time he WOBBLES.

LOCKE: Don't fall! Don't fall! Don't fall! Don't fall!

MICHAEL: Leave me alone! I know how to walk across a branch!

LOCKE: Give Walt this knife!

MICHAEL: He's only ten, he'll hurt himself!

LOCKE: No he won't, he only cut himself fifteen times the other day when I was teaching him to throw.

MICHAEL: Them's good odds! Here, Walt, catch this knife! You can stab the polar bear and enrage him further!

As Walt CATCHES the KNIFE, it SEVERS the LAST TWO FINGERS of his LEFT HAND.

WALT: OW!

POLAR BEAR: Damn, I wish I had my armor.

Michael DROPS DOWN next to Walt.

MICHAEL: Hey there son!

WALT: Hey.

MICHAEL: I'm gonna tie this vine around your waist so Mr. Locke can pull you to safety.

WALT: Okay…just don't touch my bum.

MICHAEL: Yeah, well, that's why I didn't want Locke to be the one to come down here.

After a TENSE COMMERCIAL BREAK, Michael STABS the bear and also ESCAPES.

POLAR BEAR: That's okay… I have to go to Svalbard anyway and change my name to Ragnak or something.

He goes GALLUMPHING off into the JUNGLE.

Michael and Walt experience a TEARFUL REUNION in the TREETOPS.

WALT: You _do_ care about me! Sniff, sniff.

MICHAEL: I love you, WAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!

LOCKE: I'll just nod meaningfully at Michael. This means that we're friends now.

MICHAEL: …Except not really.

That NIGHT, MICHAEL and WALT sit around a FIRE.

MICHAEL: Here, Walt, I want you to have this box.

WALT: Is this—underwear?

MICHAEL: Haha, oops, wrong box. Here ya go! It's all the letters I sent you over the past eight years!

WALT: Why didn't you give this to me in the first place? I might not have hated you so much!

MICHAEL: I had to wait for the box to be explained in a flashback first.

WALT: Why is this card blank inside?

MICHAEL: It was supposed to be a lame joke that this nurse was supposed to tell me, but she couldn't because the hospital was so strict about timesheets.

WALT: That's dumb.

MICHAEL: I know, that's what I said.

WALT: I finally have a relationship with my father!

MICHAEL: This means that the audience will have to endure WAAAAAAAAAAAALT for much of season two!

Elsewhere at the CAVES, CHARLIE is reading CLAIRE'S DIARY.

CHARLIE: You knew it was going to happen.

CLAIRE'S DIARY: I'm getting really freaked out by that has-been pop star. I think he's stalking me. Diary, the little limey runt just won't— BLACK ROCK!

CHARLIE: This is disturbing. Not only does Claire think I'm a has-been, she also caught on about the stalking thing!

CLAIRE'S DIARY: BLACK ROCK! BLACK ROCK! BLACK ROCK!

CHARLIE: Oh, Claire…

JACK: Why is that journal screaming Black Rock?

SAYID: My goodness! The French chick mentioned a black rock also!

JACK: Why am I at the caves sharing a fire with Sayid? He doesn't even live at the caves!

SAYID: I'm an Important Character. That means I automatically have to be around when someone makes a discovery.

CHARLIE: It's a law of probability, or physics or something.

SAYID: Now let us introduce a storyline that will ultimately go nowhere.

CHARLIE: Maybe the French chick's maps point to the black rock! Maybe that's where Claire is! Let's go!

JACK: No.

CHARLIE: Okay. Say, do either of you know anything about cloning?

Cut to LOCKE and BOONE, wandering around in the JUNGLE in the middle of the NIGHT.

LOCKE: Oh, Vincent! Come to the dog whistle!

BOONE: Here, Vincent! Here, boy!

POLAR BEAR: Vincent? Yep, he sure was tasty.

CLAIRE: Do I hear the dulcet strains of a dog whistle summoning me forth?

There is much RUSTLING in the underbrush as the camera attempts to CONCEAL CLAIRE for the LONGEST possible amount of TIME.

BOONE: I will repeatedly whisper Vincent's name, making me look like even more of an ineffectual loser.

LOCKE: I will pull out my knife in super slo-mo action, making me look COOL!

CLAIRE: Howdy!

Boone FALLS BACKWARDS in fright.

BOONE: BAAAHHH!

LOCKE: It's just Claire. Wimp.

-LOST-

* * *

AN: Haha, this update is like a year late. Sorry about that. Actually, I think I'm pretty much done with this fic; I just didn't like leaving the last episode half-finished. I will probably continue with these S1 parodies at some point (after all, I'm already more than halfway through the season), but I'll start it as a new fic because this one is getting so long it's just losing steam.

I had wanted to do a parody of Flashes Before Your Eyes (my favorite S3 episode) while I'm still on break from school and have the time, but my sister lent my new DVDs to the neighbors without telling me. Thanks, sis. So instead, I might tackle a couple S2 episodes since I've been re-watching it and realizing just how parody-able it really is. But after that, I wouldn't expect anything else until summer because I'll probably be even more busy this semester than in the past, since I'm now working and running a lit. mag.

When I went to post this I realized that the 2-year anniversary of this fic was two days ago. If I'd known that I'd have gotten this done sooner so I could have posted it on the anniversary. Oh well. Anyway, I'm still not _quite _done here—I was rewatching the Pilot the other day and seeing tons of new things to parody, so I think I'll do a Director's Cut version someday and post it as the final chapter. And maybe a little "coming up, on LOST" segment in which I preview things I plan to parody in the future seasons.

Disclaimer: In the past year I unfortunately have not inherited the rights to Lost. The repertoire of Lost-related things I do own, however, has expanded to include the S3 DVDs (if the neighbors don't break/lose/steal them) and a Sawyer action figure ("There are nicer ways to wake a man up, Freckles…"). I also own a GREAT DEAL OF EXCITEMENT about the START OF S4 (truncated though it may be due to the STUPID, STUPID WRITERS' STRIKE).

Big thanks to everyone who has read, favorited, or reviewed these parodies over the past two years. I've tried to reply to every reviewer but I know I missed some, and for that, my apologies.


End file.
